I Thought About You Again.But It's Not The Same As It Used To Be.I Didn't Get The Urge To Text You.I

I thought about you again. But it's not the same as it used to be. I didn't get the urge to text you. I didn't even think of actually unblocking you. I would have before. i miss who you were but not enough to break no contact I looked back at a video of you. you playing your stupid fucking guitar.

Then I took a guitar class. It wasn't much of a choice now that I think of it. But now I am forced to remember you. Every other day. Whether I want to or not.

I don't miss you how I used to. I don't have dreams about you coming back into my life, not anymore. I don’t cry thinking about you. And it's great, it's wonderful actually But as much as I don't miss you. As much as I want to forget about you entirely. You still hold a small piece of my heart. I wish you didn’t, believe me I wish you didn't. but you do. You forever will, unfortunately.

You still own some of those love songs. And you definitely still own some of those break up songs. Funny, how I look for the two sides of you in the lyrics of two very opposite topics. Songs about the joy of falling for you. Songs about the bitter heartbreak after I fell. And the fact you weren't there to catch me.

Why did you do that? Why did you make me believe that you loved me back? Why? I know that we weren't meant for one another. In hindsight we probably never were. Although sometimes I still wish we were.

"why did you cry when i told you i loved you?"

because i knew eventually one day you'd stop

"I love you. why can't you accept that?"

I want to believe you

I really want to

and I'm trying

God I'm really trying

but I can't

for some reason

I can't

I can't imagine anyone could ever think of me that way

and I know if I keep pushing you away you'll end up leaving

and I take full responsibility that it would be my fault

no matter how hard I try I can't accept your way of thinking.

Why do you love me?

How could you love me?

I could list all my flaws

you cannot tell me you would still love me

and if you did

I don't believe it

I can't

no matter how much I want to.

You'll leave I know you will.

You will see that I am not worth it.

I'm not worth all the time or the effort.

You will realize that I am too much work.

I'm too complicated.

I need you to understand.

You can keep trying

But I can't guarantee I will ever accept that anyone could love me.

high hopes for 2024 💕