Nerdyparker616 - Kei

Digging Your Own Grave — nikolai g.

— synopsis :: you've seen a lot in your time as a psychiatrist, but nothing you've seen before would prepare you for your time treating nikolai (cw: gn!reader (mostly), reader is nikolai's psychiatrist, mentions of suicide/self harm, suggestive content, yandere, murder, death threats, mention of fyodor, mentions dazai if you squint really hard)

"Morning, Doctor" You were happily greeted by one of the nurses at the main desk of your floor of Yokohama's Adult Psychiatric Ward.

There were two types of nurses in mental health care, those who were born to care for people and brighten their lives, and those who clearly didn't care about anyone's soul but their own. You were lucky enough to work with the first in that list. "Good Morning" You grinned back at her, pouring yourself a cup of coffee from the pot that sat behind the desk.

"Oh, the head wanted to let you know, some of your appointments have been moved around today. Gogol got out of administrative segregation late last night, so we prioritized his appointment"

You took a long sip of your coffee, smiling a bit, progress in your patients were always good news for you. "What time was his appointment scheduled?" You asked her. The nurse's eyebrows furrowed, before she turned to her computer and typed a few things.

"Right now that time is just listed as.. well basically whenever they can get him to you. It looks like every other appointment is going to fall in after that." She answered. This news didn't frustrate you, this came around quite often. The goal of the institution was to make recovery and progress as peaceful and less stressful on the patients as possible. Forcing them to uproot their schedules and what they're doing for their own self care for their therapy sessions would add to the already high levels of stress that came with being in a psych ward. It would do more harm than good, so it came around very often that sessions would be scheduled for 'whenever the patient feels like coming to you'

"Lovely. Do you happen to know what he's up to right now?" You asked her.

She thought for a moment, "Last I checked, his watch was taking him to the showers to clean up, and then he was going to take him down to the cafeteria for breakfast"

"Perfect, please see if he can come meet me after he finishes his meal. And do you know if he's had his meds yet?" You asked, slightly leaning over the nurses shoulder to look at her screen as she once again typed things into the system.

"Looks like he hasn't, guess that's your job again. Isn't that just lovely, huh doctor" She smiled up at you. You hummed in approval as you took another drink of your coffee.

"Thank you again, please have someone walk Gogol up to me once he's ready" You requested as you began walking towards your office.

"Will do" The nurse responded, waving to you as you headed down to your room. You entered your office and set your coffee mug down on your desk, starting to tidy up a bit. You had worked late last night, filling out some last minute paperwork, and hadn't been able to organize your space.

Your office was a cozy room, always the perfect temperature, with neutral colored paint covering the walls, and a soft carpet that your shoes sunk into, just slightly. There was a large window on the wall furthest from the door, allowing an abundance of natural light into the room, and a view to the world outside. Of course, given the patients you worked with, and the level of the building you were on, the window was of a bulletproof material instead of glass. A safety precaution to keep your patients from throwing themselves out the window. Aside from your desk, there were two soft plush couches that faced each other on either side of a small wooden coffee table. You did your best to make your office a place that your patients could find safety, peace and comfort in. You hoped you had succeeded in that.

You were pulled out of your thoughts by a knock on your office door, you called for the guest to come in, and the door opened, revealing a young male nurse, followed by your next patient. "I brought Gogol for you" The nurse announced, weakly gesturing to the tall man behind him. He was clearly not happy with his predicament, it was difficult to get watch nurses to stay with Nikolai for very long.

"Oh come on! Don't be so formal!" Nikolai remarked, slapping the back of the scrub-clad nurse in front of him.

"Hand to yourself, Gogol" You scolded, sometimes you did feel like you were treating your patients like children, but sometimes it was the best way to remind them of rules they needed to follow. Nikolai raised his hands and heard his head, in a gesture of surrender.

"Sorry 'bout that Doctor" He apologized, you couldn't tell if it was a genuine apology, or him being goofy.

"Shall we start the session?" You asked, indicating that the nurse was to leave, and Nikolai to step into your office. The door closed behind the tall man, and you sat yourself down on one of the couches in the room, moving your hand towards the couch across from you to invite Nikolai to sit. He walked across the room in a few strides, before dramatically plopping himself down on the cushions. You pulled a tape recorder out of your coat pocket, "Do I have your permission to record this session?" You asked, recording sessions with patients, especially those like Nikolai who had been reported to be violent or display unpredictable behavior. Though you were legally required to ask for their permission, and were forbidden to record if they denied you said permission.

Luckily for you, Nikolai was never against you recording your sessions. "You always do. Why do you still ask me every time?" He asked

You pressed the button to start the recording, and set the tape on the table between you. "It's the law. I'll lose my job if I record without your permission" You explained, standing up to move towards the medicine cabinet in your office, unlocking it with a key from your pocket.

"So if I say you recorded without my permission, and they believe me, you'll lose your job?" He asked, he seemed almost excited.

"Well, technically. But you wouldn't do that, would you Nikolai" You glanced over at him, he had a massive grin across his face.

"Wouldn't dream of it, doll"

"Lovely. Now, can you tell me your full name, and date of birth?" You asked him, pulling his bottles of pills from the large cupboard.

"Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol! Born April First!" He declared proudly.

"Very good." You pulled the correct dose of each pill from the bottles, and locked them back up again. "Do you know where you are?" You asked, filling a small paper cup with water from a cooler that stood next to the medicine cabinet.

"The Yokohama Adult Psychiatric Ward" He answered, his tone a bit sing-song-like.

"Great job. Here are your meds" You said, placing the pills into his hand. He tossed them into his mouth, and swallowed them down with the water. You walked to your desk and pulled a small flashlight from the drawer.

'`Open" You requested, pointing the light towards his mouth. He opened his mouth wide with an over the top 'ahh' noise. He lifted his tongue as you pointed the light to different parts of his mouth to check if he had actually swallowed the pills. "Great job" You turned the light off, and placed the torch in your coat pocket. You sat back down on your couch, and picked up a small notepad and pen. "So, what are you wanting to talk about today?" You asked him.

Nikolai thought for a moment, before he shrugged. "I don't know"

"Well, can we talk about why you went into administrative segregation?" You asked him, trying to prompt a conversation. Nikolai was typically open to talking in your sessions, in fact he talked quite a bit, even if it wasn't about his mental health, but every now and then it did take some prompting from you to get him going.

"You mean solitary?" It was less than a question, and showed how unhappy he was with the situation.

"Yes. Whatever you would like to call it. Do you want to talk about that?" You asked him again. "I heard about what happened, you got aggressive when they tried to take you down there."

"Of course I did!" He shouted, "I hate it there! They lock me in a tiny room, with no windows, and a big metal door! And all the walls are padded, and I know they haven't been cleaned ever because they're sticky, and they smell like death! The room they put me in this time had some weird stains on the wall, and I've seen a whole lot of blood before Doctor. They tried to tell me it wasn't blood. Shit, they might as well have put me in a straight jacket. I bet you they wanted to, the way they were whispering outside my door"

You scribbled down some notes, and Nikolai quickly continued. "And I can admit that maybe a few times I deserved to go in there. But I didn't even do anything this time!" He shouted

"From what I heard, you were making sexual remarks to a nurse" You said, you didn't know the full story, as you hadn't been able to talk to Nikolai himself yet.

"I called her doll!" He shouted, he was beyond irritated. "I call everyone a doll! She told me it was time for dinner, and I said 'thank you, doll' and then I'm in the middle of eating dinner and the big guys came in and took me away!"

You nodded. "Nikolai, I understand that you feel like you did nothing wrong, but that nurse felt uncomfortable. We hold the safety of our employees very high here" You tried your best not to take sides in anything, you were here for support and to give the help you had studied and were trained to give. Your job was not to take sides, or enable, or disable, anyone.

"Okay!? But what about me! Other patients make me feel uncomfortable all the time! Nothing happens to them!" He shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. "Like that new god damned roommate I have!! The guy with the brown hair, he asks all the female nurses to kill themselves with him, and he doesn't get put into solitary?! But I call a nurse 'doll' ONE TIME!! And! He fucking stinks, our whole room has reeked since he moved in"

"That's different Nikolai" The minute you said the words you knew you picked the wrong ones.

"How is it different!?" He yelled, his voice was only raising. "Wait a minute, actually. Don't answer that. You think I'm fucking insane don't you! You think I don't deserve to be treated right because I've lost my mind!" His eyes were wide and his pupils looked like they were shaking.

"You know that isn't true, alright. Calm down, please. This place is here to help you, and you've been here long enough to know that. And I'll try to see if your room can be switched if you're really that unhappy with the situation. We want you to be comfortable, but we also need to keep everyone here safe" You said calmly. Nikolai let out a deep exhale and relaxed back into the couch. You gave him a few moments to collect himself before you continued. "You know what we've never talked about before?" Nikolai just raised his eyebrows in response. "Where are you from? We've never talked about your upbringing?"

Nikolai slouched down in the seat and shrugged. "I was born in Ukraine, I don't know. It's not really interesting" You let out a small sigh, and scribbled some notes on your notepad again. Usually getting into the childhood of your patients was the best way to get to their root of what brought them to you. But when it came to Nikolai, it was near impossible to get that information out of him, no matter how much you tried to push to get it.

Nikolai stood up, and walked over to the window of your office, looking out of it.  "You wanna know something doctor?" He asked

"Whatever you want to share with me"

"I don't actually belong in here" He said, leaning against the windowsill crossing his arms. "I'm completely sane, believe it or not" His voice was calm, and soft, a tone you've never heard Nikolai use, in the almost year of your treating him.

"You think so?" You asked

"I know so. I know that what I do is wrong, and I know exactly why it's wrong. I feel bad for what I've done, deep down I really do feel guilty"

You raised your brow towards him. "Really now?" Not only were you incredibly interested in what you were saying, this is the most Nikolai had really opened up in this way. "Do you want to talk about that more? You shot a man point blank in the middle of a crowded shopping mart. Did you know him at all?"

Nikolai shook his head. "I didn't know him" He answered, "Had never seen him before in my life. I felt bad, I really did. I think he may have had a kid with him."

"He did. So if you feel bad about what you do, why do you do it? And if you know that you're sane, why did you take the insanity plea"

Nikolai turned around to face you and smiled "Because I knew if I did I'd be brought here to see your pretty little face!" So close.

"Sit back down, Nikolai" You said, disregarding his comment. He followed your request, and sat back down on the edge of the couch.

"I am being serious though. Nobody believes me, but I am sane. I haven't lost my mind, maybe it's a little off from what it's supposed to be, but I still have all the pieces to it" He leaned forwards to grab a puzzle cube from the small basket of fidget toys on the table between you. He started fiddling with it, making no attempt to actually solve the puzzle.

He wasn't entirely wrong about himself. You had been treating Nikolai for just under a year now, your first meeting being the very day he was admitted to the ward. After a few months of tri-weekly evaluations, you began picking up on various symptoms of bipolar disorder, as well as some form of PTSD. The trauma which caused it was still completely unknown to you. Nikolai had a way of talking a lot, yet never actually telling you anything. He knew exactly how to fill your meetings with banter that was just barely useful enough to you to figure out the basics, but never enough to give you any information on what may have changed his brain chemistry the way it's been changed.

Nikolai leaned back into the couch. "So are you married? Or single?" He asked you.

"Why do you want to know?" You asked. It was incredibly important that you kept things strictly professional between you and your patients. You've had many cases where patients have developed inappropriate feelings towards you, and you've been trained in catching the signs and turning the situation around before it progressed too far. If you were unable to, the patients were switched to a new provider. It's just how things worked in this field.

"No real reason. I just think, if we're talking all about me, and you're learning all of these things about me. I should be able to know at least a few things about you" He fiddled with his braid a bit. "Come on, indulge me just this once, and I'll answer any one question you have. And I'll be completely honest with you"

You were a bit skeptical, technically you weren't supposed to talk about your personal life with your patients. It wasn't against the rules, but it was implied to you that it was a bad idea. But you supposed that answering this one question wouldn't be harmful. "I actually got engaged a little over a year ago" You answered.

"Really?" Nikolai asked, he seemed shocked. "I've never seen you wear a ring"

"I don't wear it to work. Safety hazard" You explained. "Besides, I wouldn't want it getting lost or stolen"

Nikolai nodded, looking around the room. Something about his demeanor seemed like he was disappointed, or even upset, by your answer. "Huh... So,, what's your new name gonna be when you get married?" He asked

"Dostoevsky" You answered, you couldn't help but smile a little bit, which seemed to make Nikolai smile in return.

"That's a nice name. Is he, or she, russian?" He asked.

You nodded, "Yes, he is" You answered. "Now, I answered your question, so you answer mine. What was your childhood like?"

"He. Is that the only way you swing? Or is it like a both way sort of thing. Or all ways, like a rotating door?" He completely ignored your question.

"That's none of your business Nikolai" You said "Besides, our deal was one question. That would make it two questions, that wasn't what we agreed on. Now, answer my question. What was life like for you growing up?"

Nikolai's grin grew, and he leaned forwards across the table. "Wanna know a secret Doctor?" He asked, in a hushed whisper.

"What's your secret Nikolai?" You asked him, you knew what was coming. You should have known from the beginning.

"I was lying when I said I'd answer your question”

You sighed, "You know, Nikolai. You have to stop pulling these things on me"

"Why would I do that! Then these sessions would just be no fun!"

"You don't think it's fun to come see little old me?" You asked, with a little fake pout

"Oh, I love seeing you. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that Doctor"

You glanced up at the clock that hung on the wall behind Nikolai, "Well, I'm glad to hear that you enjoy these sessions, but it looks like we're out of time for this one. Is there anything else you want to talk about before you head out?" You asked him

He shook his head "Nope!" He said, popping the 'p' sound. "I talked about everything I wanted to talk about today"

"Alrighty then" You reached to grab the recorder from the table, and turned it off, ending the recording, and moved to grab the phone on your desk to call for someone to come escort Nikolai back to his room. Once you got a hold of the front desk and they let you know someone was there. When you turned around, you nearly jumped back onto your desk. Nikolai was so close to you that his nose was almost pressed against yours. "Jesus, Nikolai. Come on now, back up" He took a step back, and turned to look out the window.

"Do I really need an escort? I can behave myself" He said.

"Yes, you do. It's in the rules Nikolai" You said, sitting yourself behind your desk.

"Can you be my escort?" He asked, leaning over your desk. "If you know what I mean"

You eyed him, "Come on now, Nikolai. You know that isn't appropriate"

"Ugh, fine!" He groaned. "I'm sorry" His apology shocked you just a bit, he usually didn't apologize for his jokes.

"Don't worry about it, Nikolai. You're okay, let's just make sure we think before we speak." Right after your words, there was a knock on your office door, alerting you that Nikolai's watch nurse was there. "Come in" You called. The door opened and the nurse stepped in. "Alright Nikolai, I'll see you tomorrow, alright"

He smiled and waved towards you as he walked out of the office. You waved back, and watched as he left until the door closed. Once he was gone, you began going through the notes of the session, and filling out the general paperwork that came with your job.

The rest of the day was filled with more sessions, and more paperwork. It was a relatively calm day, and most of your patients had reported that they felt they were making progress, which always warmed your heart to hear. Eventually the work day ended, and you gathered your things from your office, to head down to the main floor to leave. As you were heading out, you passed various patients that greeted you as you were leaving. You were going to pass Nikolai's room, and at first thought nothing of it. If he didn't say anything to you, you weren't going to disrupt whatever it was he was doing.

When you actually passed his room though, you found him sitting on the edge of his bed, completely unmoving as he stared directly out the door. You stopped at his door, and knocked on the door frame. There was no response from him. "Hey, Nikolai" You tried to get his attention.

His head shook a bit, as he finally blinked back into reality. "Oh hey there Doctor!" He grinned, as if nothing was wrong.

"Is everything alright?" You asked him. He nodded, beaming brightly at you.

"Yep! Are you heading home for the night?" He asked you.

"Yeah I am, day's over for me" You answered.

"Well then, I'll see you tomorrow"

You nodded slowly, a bit concerned about his previous behavior, as well as the sudden shift in it. "I'll see you tomorrow" You left his room, and made one more stop at the front desk before leaving. You leaned over the counter, gesturing for the nurse to lean closer to you. She said, "Can you have someone look after Gogol extra closely tonight?" You whispered, "I checked up on him, he's displaying some behaviors that are concerning me"

She nodded "We'll get someone on his case right away"

You stood up straight again. "Thank you, have a good night"

"You too, (y/n)"

Your drive home was peaceful, you didn't live too far from the hospital you worked at, and you arrived home not too long after you left the building. You cut the car's engine, and stepped out, making your way up to the door. You unlocked the front door, and stepped inside. Letting yourself relax as you kick off your shoes, and set your bag down. You heard shuffling from the kitchen, and quickly made your way to the room. Your heart almost melted as you saw the dining room table filled with food, your fiancé was standing over the counter, fixing up drinks for the two of you. "Welcome home" He sent a small smile in your direction. "I made dinner for us"

"I can see that. Thank you, Fedya" You walked towards him, letting him wrap your arms around you.

"How was your day?" He asked, kissing the top of your head.

"It was alright, nothing too eventful" You answered, it was difficult to tell your future husband about your days, given the laws of confidentiality around your field of employment. "How was your day?"

"It was alright, busy and boring. You know, the usual '' He answered. In the recent months, he had become bored and irritated with his job. He did his best to not let it affect your relationship, but every now and then, very rarely, it came around. "How about we eat"

You nodded. "That sounds great. I forgot lunch today" You chuckled a bit.

"Well then, eating will definitely be the best idea" He kissed the top of your head again, and let go of you to move to the dinner table. In his typical gentleman fashion, he pulled a chair out for you, pushing you into the table, before taking his own seat.

"What did you make?" You asked, looking over the table, there was a fancy serving bowl in the center of the table, it was filled with soup with a clear-yellowish broth.

"It's called Shchi. It's a type of cabbage soup" He answered, dishing up bowels for both of you. He handed you your bowel, and you took it from his hands. It was warm, and started to burn after being in your hands for too long.

"Thank you for making dinner" You said, gently blowing on a spoonful of the soup.

"Of course, my love" He smiled softly at you from across the table. You strung up casual conversation over dinner, talking about your days some more, and making plans for upcoming weekends, and other such things. Meals were always a calm and peaceful time, even with the busy schedules that both of you had, you always made sure meals were completely free of anything from work, or other stressors, leaving the time for the two of you to connect again.

Since it was Fyodor who made dinner, you took the task of cleaning up. As you cleaned the kitchen, and cleared the table from dinner, Fyodor was getting ready for bed, and setting up your alarm system, as you always did before you slept or left the house. When everything was cleaned, and the dishes were put away, you went to the bathroom to shower, and got yourself dressed for bed. As you were brushing your teeth, Fyodor came behind you, wrapping his arm around your waist. He pressed little kisses against the side of your neck. "Hey, Hey. Stop it, that tickles" Fyodor hummed into your neck as a response.

"Hurry up and get to bed" He muttered. You spit out the toothpaste and rinsed and wiped your mouth. You turned around in his grip so you were facing him.

"Why the rush? Do you have plans or something?" You teased me.

Fyodor lifted his head to look at you, a little smirk across his face. "I might. Would you like to find out"

"I would love to find out" Fyodor slid his hands down behind your thighs, and picked you up, holding you under your ass, he carried you to the bed, and set you down, laying over you. He leaned down, pressed kissing starting at your lips, down to your chest, moving your night top out of his way. You felt a knot tighten in your lower stomach, and heat started to rise between your legs.

Then the phone rang. You looked over to the nightstand, and saw it was your work phone, which was only called in emergencies. "Oh, Fyodor, get up. It's the office" You said, tapping Fyodor's side. He got off you, standing near the edge of the bed, as you went to answer the phone. Before you could even get out the usual greeting, the person on the other line began speaking, they were clearly frightened, and they were speaking fast, and frantically. "(y/n)!" They yelled "We need you to come here now! I don't know what happened but Gogol is losing it, nobody has been able to stop him" There was a loud scream, and you heard what sounded like a gunshot. "He's asking for you! Please hurry up and get here! Please!"

You had no time to respond before the phone call ended, you wasted no time tossing the phone on the bed and moving to change out of your pajamas. "What's going on, (y/n)?" Fyodor asked, picking up on the frantic nature of the current scenario.

"Something's going on at work. One of my patients is having a psychotic break, or something" You explained "I have to go in to try and help. I'll be back later" You quickly kissed his cheek, before running out of the house and to your car. You completely disregarded traffic laws and speed limits as you made your way to the office. Once you were there, you cut the engine and ran inside, forgetting to lock your car in panic. You threw the ward doors open, and the scene you were met with was something you never expected to see in your years as a psychiatrist.

Nurses, patients, and your fellow doctors alike were all on the ground completely lifeless. The once pristine walls and floors were stained bright red. It seemed like everyone on your floor was dead. You looked around the room, until your eyes landed on Nikolai. He was sitting with his legs crossed on the counter in front of the nurses desk, a single cowering nurse curled on the ground in front of him. His attire was covered in the same bright red that the room was, and in his hand was a small handgun. The nurse on the ground looked up and saw you. "(y/n)! Thank God you're here!! We don't know where he got the gun, he's going crazy-" He was cut off by a sharp jab to his side from Nikolai's foot.

"I'm not crazy!" He yelled "I'm not crazy!! You're the crazy one! Tell them (y/n)! Tell them I'm not crazy!" He turned to you, his eyes were blown completely wide and bloodshot. You stayed where you were.

"Nikolai. Where did you get the gun?" You asked him, trying your absolute best to stay calm, despite the complete terror you were in.

"I've had it this whole time!" He said proudly, jumping off the counter nearly missing landing on the nurse who was still on the ground. "But everyone here was too fucking stupid to notice it!! Except you." He walked towards you, reaching his hand out until it was resting on the side of your face. Far too gentle given what he had just done. "Except you. You're the only one here who deserves to live past tonight."

"Nikolai. What's going on? Let's please, just calm down and talk"

"I am calm!" He yelled, before taking a deep breath. "I am calm. I am" He repeated, his voice was much softer this time.

"Alright, you're calm" You said, "Can you please hand me the gun, and we can talk. You can tell me everything you need to tell me, and we'll figure this out okay" You slowly began reaching out to try and grab the gun from him.

"No!" He held the gun in the air, above where you could reach it. "No! I'm going to keep it!"

"Okay" Your hands were shaking, and you realized that you were no longer able to cover up how afraid you were. "You can keep it, but talk to me, Nikolai. Tell me what's going on" You were not prepared for a situation like this, never in a million years would you expect that you would need to be.

"We can't talk here!" He yelled. "We don't meet in the middle of the hallway! We will meet in your office!"

"Do you want to go to my office?" You asked him.

He nodded. "Yes" There was something about the way he said it, you couldn't quite put your finger on it, but it made your gut twist with some mix of potent discomfort and fear that made you want to vomit.

"Alright, let's go to my office. You know where it is, would you like to lead the way" Your voice was clearly shaking, you had no energy or mind to try and hide it.

"Don't try and cop me out like that!!" He yelled. "That's not how it goes! No! You're supposed to have your cup of coffee, and it's always in the same cup, and you're sitting in your office, and the nurse brings me to you! That's how this is supposed to go!"

Your eyebrows furrowed together. Why of all things was your coffee cup his concern right now? How could that be anyone's concern? Any sane person at least.

"So go!" He was gripping the sides of his head, handfuls of his hair held tightly in his fists. "Go make a cup of coffee, and go to your office. And the nurse will bring me to you! That's how our sessions are supposed to go!"

"Alright. We'll do that, but can I have the gun please?" You asked

"No! If you have it, you won't give it back" He shouted "Just go make a god damn cup of coffee so we can have our session!"

You put your hands up in a defensive manner. "Alright, if you stay, and don't move until you come to my office. I will do whatever you want, okay"

Nikolai nodded, and watched as you carefully walked over to the nurses desk, cautious to not trip over the many bodies that laid across the ground. Once you were behind the desk you turned on the coffee pot, keeping a careful eye on Nikolai. So far, he had listened to your request not to move. The coffee seemed to take forever to brew, but finally there was enough for you to fill your usual cup. "Now go to your office, this nurse here is gonna take me to you once you're there" Nikolai said, pointing to the shaking nurse with the gun in his hand.

"Put the gun down," you said sternly. It was still your priority to protect the nurses who worked under you, despite how afraid you were. Nikolai looked at his hand, and chuckled.

"I didn't even realize it." He said, lowering his hand. "Now go on, don't keep me waiting" His mood had so drastically changed from what it was before you had made your coffee. Your legs were shaking as you made your way down to your office, you closed the door behind you and tried to catch your breath before Nikolai came in. It was definitely easier said than done, every exhale came with the threat of bursting into tears. Something you absolutely could not do at the moment.

Eventually, you heard footsteps getting closer to your door. You heard a weak knock on the door, and it opened slowly. The nurse and Nikolai were at the door. "Thank you very much, nurse" Nikolai said with a smile so large it was almost inhuman. It happened in the blink of an eye, as Nikolai raised the gun and shot the nurse in the head. You let out an involuntary scream, quickly covering your mouth with your hand.

Nikolai used his foot to move the limp body out of the doors way, and pushed it closed before turning to you. "Don't worry, Doctor" He said, "You're safe" He put his hand on your face again. "I'd never do anything to hurt you"

You nodded, "Do you want to take a seat?" You asked him.

"I would love to take a seat. You're so kind to offer that, my dear" He grinned, walking over to take a seat on the usual couch. "Go on, you know how these things work. You sit on your couch, I sit on mine, and we have a little chit-chat. Nothing different than the talk we had this morning"

This morning. It was hard to believe that less than twelve hours ago you were sitting with a perfectly coherent mind, and for sense of the word he seemed to be just fine. You couldn't wrap your head around how quickly everything shifted. God, would you live to go home? Were you going to be able to get married? Or have kids? What if you didn't even make it out of this session. How truthful was Nikolai being when he said he wouldn't hurt you?

"I SAID SIT DOWN!" Nikolai snapped you out of your thoughts, and you quickly moved to sit down, nearly tripping over your own feet. "Thank you for being such a compliant Doctor. You're being so good, making this so easy for me"

You nodded. "Explain what's going on Nikolai? Did something happen?" You asked.

"Oh goodness. Where do I begin?" He beamed, leaning back over the back of the couch. "I guess you happened, Doctor. Can I just call you (y/n). Calling you doctor makes me feel so upset"

"You can call me whatever you'd like" In any other circumstance, you would have given him permission to call you by your name, there were no rules saying he had to call you 'doctor' he chose to do that all on his own, but you never would have said he could chose to call you whatever he chose. Your relationship had to of course be friendly, to keep things comfortable, but you also had to be strictly professional.

"That's so great!" He laughed loudly, like he was full of some type of sick joy.

"What do you mean, I happened?" You asked him.

Nikolai looked directly at you, giving you a look that felt like he was staring right into your soul. "I'm in love with you, (y/n). I've been so completely in love with you since I walked through those doors a year ago, "he said. "But you don't love me. You're always so nice to me, so gentle, and caring. I don't deserve those things, but you give them to me anyways. Yet every time I try to make an advancement towards you, you shut me down. 'what what you say, nikolai' or 'that's not appropriate, nikolai' or 'let's keep things professional' You act like you care about me, but you don't!" His voice rose as he spoke, his frustration increasing. "You play with my brain, you play with my heart, you act like you love me, you act like you care about me. But then you tell me you can't love me?!"

"Nikolai. Look, I do care about you. I care about all of my patients-"

"SHUT UP!" Nikolai cut you off "Shut up!! You don't care about me! You don't! You care about me because you get paid to care about me! You HATE ME!"

You opened your mouth, but closed it again, both too afraid to speak, and not sure what to even say.

"Did you expect me not to snap?! I'm so in love with you, and you" He paused, gripping at his hair again. "You can't love me! You love someone else! You'll never really love me! You don't know how to care about anyone but yourself!"

His eyes widened when he heard what he said. "No, no, no!" He yelled, hitting his forehead with his palm. "No, I don't mean that! Fucking stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" He hit his head with each word. "You aren't like that. You, you're the best person I've ever met. You're the best person who's ever blessed this god forsaken earth. I didn't mean what I said, please forgive me!"

You rose from your seat, and walked over to him, grabbing his hands to keep him from hitting himself. Things were starting to fall in place now "Nikolai, listen to me" You looked him in the eye, unfolding the fingers that were wrapped around the gun, and set it on the table. "I do care about you, okay. I care about every single person I've ever treated. You're very special to me, all of my patients are. Working with you, and seeing the progress you've made has been an absolute gift this past year." You explained, sitting down next to him, keeping his hands in yours. Part to comfort him, but mostly to keep him from grabbing the gun again.

"But you don't love me" His voice was a whimper now, soft and almost broken sounding.

You took a deep breath before answering, you didn't know how to continue in a way where you could be honest, but without upsetting him more. "I do love you, Nikolai. But not in the way you want me to, I can't love you in the way you want me to" You explained, you felt his hands tense under yours, and gave them a tight squeeze, quickly continuing your words. "You are a great person. You're funny, and a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. I've come to learn so much about you, and you're one of the most interesting people I've ever met. If you weren't my patient, I would have loved to be good friends with you. I love and care about you in the way friends love each other."

You really weren't sure if your words were helping, Nikolai didn't seem to be relaxing at all. His eyes narrowed, "Like a friend?" He asked, his voice rough, sharp, and harsh. If it was something physical, you were sure it would cut right through you. "Like a friend!" He shouted again, he stood up so quickly he almost pushed you back onto the couch. "How could you?! I tell you how much I love you, and you say you love me LIKE A FRIEND!?"

You tried to explain yourself further, but Nikolai cut you off again, grabbing your shoulders, shaking you a bit. "I killed for you, (y/n)! I killed for you, and I'd kill for you again" He pressed his forehead against yours. "I'd do anything you ask me to do. I'd kill myself for you. Anything, you don't understand that, do you?"

Your chest felt heavy, and you quickly glanced at the gun on the table. Nikolai noticed your glace, and let go of you just long enough to grab the gun. Before you could stop him, he had it pressed against the side of his head. "See! I'll prove it to you! Just tell me to do it! Tell me to do it and I'll shoot! I'll blow my brains out right now!"

"Nikolai put that gun down now!" You yelled.

"Why should I?!" He laughed "Why should I put it down!? I have no reason to live, if you don't love me, what do I have to live for!?"

"You have a lot to live for. You said you'd do whatever I said, and I said put the gun down. So put it down"

"But you haven't told me why! Why wouldn't I do it?! Why wouldn't I end it all right here, right now!?"

"Listen to me. I know you're upset, and I know that the feelings you have right now feel so incredibly powerful, and all consuming to you. But I promise you, all of these things will go away eventually. You just need to put the gun down, and calm yourself down for me. Please"

Nikolai's features softened, and he lowered the gun. For a split second, you calmed down, almost letting yourself relax. But it only lasted for a very split second, until Nikolai pointed the gun towards you, aiming it right at your head. "I hate to sound so cliché here (y/n)" He began, putting his finger over the trigger. "But you've made it clear that I won't ever be able to have you. If I can't have the only thing I've ever wanted in life, what reason do I have to live in this world?" He asked. "A world where I'm constantly locked up, kept from being free. The only way to be completely free is to lose the bounds that life holds on us. I want you to be free too, we can be free together."

He took a deep breath before adjusting the gun in his hand, it was still pointed at you. "What I'm trying to say is, if I can't have you, no one else can"

Before you could even react to his words, Nikolai pulled the trigger and the gun went off. It didn't happen instantly, you felt the pain, it was a feeling so intense you couldn't begin to describe it. Before you finally lost all consciousness, you saw Nikolai turn the gun to his own head. "Don't worry, (y/n). I'll be with you"

Tokyorev! characters dating a dazai!reader

(Chifuyu, Smiley and Angry)

Warnings ⚠️: S*icide mentions, attempts. Violence. Curse words and a lot more

Author's note 📝: I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling extremely iffy about posting this as in the BSD world, Dazai's attempts are somewhat treated as a gag. Please do not take suicide as a joke. If you ever find this offensive please tell me. I will delete this if ever.

Tokyo revengers does not belong to me. All credits go to Ken Wakui, and Kafka Asagiri for Dazai Osamu from Bungou Stray Dogs

Chifuyu :

When I tell you mans done, mans is done with your bs lol

While he was in a meeting with the gang, his phone rang.

He was just letting it buzz inside his pockets when his mind kept gnawing at him to answer

So he did, ignoring the subtle looks he got from Takemitchy and Baji, he discreetly answered his phone and put it above his ear. Covered by his uniform sleeves

The first words he heard was at Atsushi asking if he knew where you were, not even a greeting.

“What do you mean?” He was getting nervous now.

“Y/n? She didn't show up today and yesterday, we thought she blew it off with you” Atsushi said, his voice becoming more panicky by the second.

“She hasn’t even answered my texts today! I thought she was busy with the agency!” Chifuyu exclaimed. Before he could hear Atsushi’s response though, Draken snatched his phone with an irk mark visible

“Chi-” “DRAKEN-” They both started “Ahem. Y/n’s missing!!” urgency in his voice

Draken’s eyes widened, he gave chifuyu’s phone back when the said boy tried to snatch it. He looked towards Mikey who was just staring at them.

Draken walked over and told him the commotion, as he had the authority of at least a 100 people, the meeting ended abruptly. And he ordered them to help look for the missing person in their friend group.

While you had found yourself shackled to a wall with none other than Chuuya in front of you.

The two of you battled it out. Chuuya holding onto your neck as you provoked him.

“Come on, Hurry~ Come oooon!” His eyes turned rigid as he stabbed a knife on the wall behind you, But still getting caught in it.

Not getting too injured but you spoke too soon as another person had caught you, The Y/n Dazai off guard.

Q, the child you had locked away, had shot you through your upper stomach area. Chuuya was also startled, Q was supposed to be somewhere else with a person watching over him.

But here he was asking if he could play with you some more. You looked at him with cold dead eyes clutching your bleeding stomach before returning to your facade.

“Gross” You said as you looked at the child up and down. To which he ignored and held his doll closer to him.

“Oi- you suicidal maniac, look at yourself first before calling others that” Chuuya sneered, turning around to leave with Q in his hold

“Next time we meet, I’ll bring you a pretty boy who’s willing to kill himself with you.” He scoffed and waved his unoccupied hand around.

You watched him with sparkling eyes as he walked away “Chuuya~! I had no idea you were a good person!” Forgetting about the fact that you were in a relationship once the idea of S*icide was brought up.

“That was my way of telling you to go die you idiot” He spoke, his coat thrashing around with his movements.

Seeing as you were literally on the verge of bleeding out, instead of running decided to surprise your boyfriend.

You entered Toman’s base and looked around before finding Chifuyu.

He looked like he had run around in circles, his heavy breathing and dirty, dishevelled appearance.

“CHI~ FU~ YUUUU~!” you yelled out running towards him at full speed.

He turned around faster than you could finish calling out to him, taking into account your bloody clothes

The other members, who were present, deadpanned at your state

Draken had an irk mark on his face as he said “Oi y/n, did you really just go missing, for another s*icide attempt?” He facepalmed at himself for getting worried.

“It wasn’t me this time! You guys wouldn’t even believe me once I told you where I was” You dramatically put your hand on your head

“Anyways Guess what!??” You excitedly announced, chifuyu holding onto you in order to stabilize you.

“I’d rather not” Chifuyu said as he looked around your face for bruises, that’s when he saw the rather large wound on the bottom side of your face.

He clenched his teeth as he wiped the blood around the wound.

“Come on! You guys are no fun!!” you pestered them to which they just sighed at your antics

“Fine y/n, what is it?” They uninterestedly asked, Mikey was on Draken’s back finally getting the sleep he desperately needed.

“Look I got shot!!” pointing to your stomach with sparkles around you.

The boys had whiplash from turning to you so fast.

“Y/n! This isn’t something you should be happy about!” the worried tone of Mitsuya bringing you out of your daze.

You got hit in the back of the head by Chifuyu though. “You should have said that in the beginning you idiot!” He screamed, bending down to pick you up bridal style.

“Yeah, yeah” you spoke with a pout. “On another note, I’m dripping-wet hehe~ Anyone wanna help with that? EHEM CHIFUYU EHEM” You spoke with no shame, though your tone was laced with mischief and seduction

The boy bursted into different shades of red, including Mikey who was pretending to be dead asleep behind Draken.

“Y-Y/n! That’s not something you say out loud” Your boyfriend scolded you, Takemitchy in the background sporting a nosebleed.

“Eh? But I am” You looked down towards the puddle of blood you were currently above.

"WE NEED AN AMBULANCE YOU F*CKERS" "DON'T CURSE AT ME MY FINGERS ARE TREMBLING" "HURRY THE F*CK UP THEN" "OH MY F- GIVE IT TO ME YOU BLONDE F*CK"

Chaos ensued and you probably took 20 years out of their lifetime.

Smiley :

Bruh, Let it be known to others that you were not to be left alone.

Nahoya, was called by atsushi, telling him he needed to babysit his girlfriend for the day

Nahoya was called early in the morning to babysit you, his girlfriend because she had apparently chosen to eat a poisonous mushroom.

Yeah, that was all too confusing for the barely-awake Nahoya to comprehend.

Nonetheless, he still picked you up from the agency you were “interning” in.

Once he had arrived, Kunikida had pushed you into his arms.

“HOYAAAA~~ YOU’RE HERE! GOODNESS THIS TRULY IS PARADISE!!!” You screamed from his hold, latching on his neck as you almost choked him.

How the hell was he gonna explain this to the members. Should he just leave you at home? Nah you might make another attempt he thought.

He was calming you down, saving himself from the embarrassments you could cause him.

As he was in the middle of lecturing you on why you shouldn’t cliff dive off a park bench he was met with Gang members from the previous fight Toman had.

They had bandages wrapped around them as well as band-aids.

“F*ck” he thought, he could probably handle them when he’s alone. But hell you were here, his obviously knocked up girlfriend.

“Heh. Looks like we got ourselves a jackpot” The leader of the goons said, snickering with his goons before looking at you up and down and eyeing you like you were a piece of meat.

“HAH! What luck, why don’t you introduce us to your lady friend” They were pointing at you, who was on nahoya’s shoulders

Smiley was looking around the place, hoping for a path he could take to escape with you.

Before he could make a choice though, he ducked down to avoid getting hit with a bat.

“Not so f*cking fast lover boy. We still got beef with you” the one who held the bat spoke, his saliva flying from his mouth

“Ahhh~ who knew i just had to eat mushrooms growing the nearby hills to have such an interesting way out” You stated still on Nahoya’s back before full out laughing madly

The surrounding people had to take a step back from the slight fright you had unintentionally caused.

“W-what the hell” one of them spoke up Nahoya had to thank you, just from that he managed to arrange a plan for both of you to escape.

Before any other boys could utter a word, He ran, first in a full circle with 2 people on his tail before running through a bush.

He almost got caught by the leader but thankfully he managed to successfully run away.

Once he had arrived in Toman’s meeting place, he could finally catch his breath, giving you to his twin, who was wary of being around you right now, given your….current state.

He was right to be wary as you immediately latched on to him screaming “AH! I’ve finally caught you! Rainbow pillbug” which almost suffocated him.

Anyways! Takemitchy had to give him some water before he could finally utter some words.

“Hahhh, Gang Hahh, Goons Hahhh, Bats” were the only words he could utter before collapsing on the dirty ground from the marathon he had just ran.

All the while you had managed to escape from Angry’s hold as you stepped on Takemitchy’s head muttering barely slurred words with your hanging mouth “What amazing resilience!” You spoke with your hand on your head in a salute position with animated sparkles and red cheeks appeared.

Before they could even ask what was going on, A group of people came. They were the same ones who were picking a fight earlier.

Your boys were outnumbered, with only the main cast there. While the cowards had brought in at least 20 people.

Nothing the invincible Mikey couldn’t handle though.

But the leader was obviously dumb enough to test them as he shouted “There they are! Get them!” he shouted while his goons were hesitating.

All the while the Toman members were just curiously watching them. Their relaxed gazes which seemed to scream “Not even worthy to pick a fight with”

He saw this and got mad “What are you idiots doing!? I said get them! Before I kill them all” irk marks appeared all over his already ugly face.

Takemitchy, who was still on the ground, heard you muttering “Kill kill kill huh?” He got goosebumps.

He looked up and saw you pointing at their leader with a gun “HUH?? W-WAIT Y/N-SAN DON’T-” he couldn't even finish his sentence as you had fired

“HOLY F*CKING SH*T” All of them thought as they looked at the man on the ground holding his groin.

Which you shot by the way.

All of those present held their family jewels in their hands as they all collectively took one step away from you.

“BULLSEYE!!! HEY!! GUYS I HIT THE PINATA!” You screamed with obvious delight, you looked behind you, all of those on your side flinching before you ran to Nahoya, you’re boyfriend, who was too busy looking at the guy you shot in the d*ck.

“Baby~~ Are you my stuffed teddy bear??UGH I’m so happy~~” you swooned almost twirling him with you.

“O-oi Masaru!! You ok!?!?” “Does he look ok to you?!” Toman gulped, their eyes comedically turning to you, who was smothering Smiley on your chest then back to the guy you shot.

They all wordlessly agreed not to bother you right now though.

Needless to say, the next time you tried to talk to Takemitchy he almost peed his pants.

Angry :

To say that Nahoya was now protective of Souta because of you was an understatement.

You continuously put your and Souta’s life in danger.

From rushing into a burning building to deliberately playing russian roulette.

Angry, was not s*icidal at all, he was always shaken up after every s*icide attempt you had done with or without him.

It was an unhealthy relationship no doubt. But the way you were just so mysterious and capable of adjusting to anything made him so curious about you.

That curiosity soon turned to bite him in the back as that was what blossomed into his feelings for you.

Toman was iffy about you. They couldn’t understand you, nor could they understand the sudden disappearances you took. Sometimes with Angry which caused them to go haywire.

But they saw how angry was, literally in love with you, they could only hope he’d fall out of love with you, or he could change the way you view the world.

Both were never gonna happen lol.

Anyways, every week, every fudging week, they found themselves in this predicament.

“Yo guys! What a strange coincidence” they looked at you, caught in the net they used to get you out of the water.

“A-another drowning attempt?” Takemitchy sweatdropped as he looked towards your upside down form.

“Non~ non~ my clueless companion! I was simply, drifting along the river” you declared with you though was a cool face.

Looking incredibly done, the members just let you stay trapped in the net, Even Angry was looking extremely bored of your attempts.

“hey y/n” Mikey started “Why do you seem to like death so much?” He nonchalantly asked with a dorayaki in his hand.

You, though, seemed to take that seriously.

“Let me rearrange the question. Do you think there's any value in the act of living?

Your answer put a damper on their moods, but good thing Takemitchy was there to save the day.

“Of course y/n-san! How else can we be called humans if we don’t live! It’s the mundaneness that makes life worth living” He said.

“I guess I’m no longer human then, Takemitchy” you said with a grin, but your eyes were dull and empty, so dull that they felt a chill run down their spines.

“What I want is for someone to wake me up from this oxidizing world of a dream” You said with your eyes wide, looking extremely serious, the most serious they had seen you.

They could feel their breaths getting clogged in their throats.

“What are you talking about? I thought you wanted a double s*icide with me” Souta said as he untangled your body from the net.

“H-He isn’t fazed at all” The other members deadpanned

“Ahh! Your vitality is blinding~” You swooned dramatically as you were finally out from the trap- I mean net.

You held Souta’s hands in yours “Would you strangle me with these rough, calloused and manly fingers” you began to talk but was ultimately hit in the back of the head by Nahoya who had an irk mark

After a few hours, the group had dispersed, leaving you alone with your boyfriend.

“Y/n, why do you really want to die? I always see you read that book but you never really seem to like getting hurt” He asked, the rays of the sunset hitting his face as you two walked.

Looking out in the scenery, you could see the magnificent view of the body of water and the sun. The bridge you were both at, capturing the very essence of beauty.

“Man fears death…” you told him, taking hold of his hand. “And yet at the same time, Man is drawn to death” You led him to the edge of the bridge.

“...Death is endlessly consumed by men in cities and literature” You sat on the railings. “It is a singular event in one’s life that no one may reverse” You looked directly at him.

“That is what I desire” the gentle breeze of the wind hitting your soft skin, and the afterglow of the sunset made you look like a dream.

Souta’s hand involuntarily reached out, holding the edge of your face before travelling to the bandages around your face

You let him touch it, you let him unravel it.

Once he had a good look at your bandage-less face you pulled him closer to you.

Before letting your body fall backwards

The vast and harsh winds hitting your body, Souta’s trembling fingers holding your hands tighter.

Seeing everything around you like this, it was extremely beautiful. More than the meaning of life itself you thought.

It felt like your bodies were defying gravity, the way you could both see the surroundings while falling at an alarming rate was quite...Melancholy.

A sense of serenity and contentedness featured on each other’s faces.

You closed your eyes and so did he.

Not any longer than that, your bodies had hit the water.

You thought that this was the perfect way to die, everything was there, Souta and Death. It was comforting to say the least.

Nothing else could beat this, you thought as you felt yourself getting pulled downwards.

Movement was then felt, you opened your eyes and saw Souta swimming your way.

You smiled for a brief moment, “Fine I guess I can live for a little while if I have you by my side” You thought as you too, swam towards him.

You both made your way up, taking a deep intake of air. Coughing for a little while, you could now hear the shouts above you.

“You f*cking assh*les!!! We leave for a few minutes and this is what you do?! Should we just chain you both to a pole now!?” Smiley without the smile shouted, you could really see just how alike they are now.

Instead of answering you just looked at them with a huge grin.

Yeah, this was enough reason to live.

Fyodor and religion analysis I guess?? (Chapter 105.5 spoilers at the end)

ALSO HE DOESN'T HAVE A GOD COMPLEX!!!

(more about it at the end).

first thing first, it is extremely clear fyodor is religious. And going by the most popular religion in Russia he probably believes in 'Orthodox Christianity'. Based on that it's the main practiced religion in Russia. KNOWING that, he's clearly a very devoted follower of God. In many manga panels he brings up God and religion. I'll mainly show the ones I could find immediately.

(His first entrance)

" the right hand of God "

It is an honor to be at gods right hand. In the Bible Jesus is stated to be sat at the right hand of God. This because it is a high status in the Bible. We can assume it's because Jesus is his son, as well as extremely holy. (Has never committed a sin). Demons are fallen angels, they have rebelled against God. I'm going to assume, that fyodor meant that both God and the demons have expected this. (Expected things to go as planned)

(His second time bring up religious beliefs)

" the promise land "

The promise land is said to be a land flowing with milk and honey. A land that Moses was supposed to take the first generation of God's people to. Except they never made it as they stopped following God, and making false idols. They died. Moses on the other hand made it to the border of the promise land. He died just before he could make it.

I'm going to take this as fyodor trying to make the promise land. He's trying to bring the people to the promise land. Expect he sees ability users as sinners. He's trying to make the world clean of these ability users. (Bro you, yourself are an ability user). So ability users must be like the first generation of God's people. (In his eyes). He sees them as people disgracing God. Creating false idols. Or being said false idols.

(Another time he brought up God)

" my prayers have reached God"

Clearly he takes time to pray, to trust in God. Also well as believing, that God has answered his prayers in a sense when things go his way. Prying is very important in religions. (No matter the religion). But with Christianity (Orthodox Christianity). It is supposed to be you having a conversation with God. You are talking with him personally. You are being vulnerable with him, asking him for things. When most pray it is to ask God for something. (A good day, helping a loved one get better, etc, etc).

(From the recent chapter)

" embraced in the arms of God"

To be embraced by God, is to know God. You shall fear him. God is the one dictating our lives basically. He is watching us, to know God. Is to know his power. To know his power is to fear him. I'm taking this as fyodor telling dazai he'll be in fear, to be at the hands of God. Fyodor is "showing" dazai God's power. What he's capable of. As to fyodor God is on his side. God's arms is his holiness, as well as his power as I said before. Fyodor is saying dazai will not only know God, but fear him.

(From the recent chapter)

" although the trial of flood is fitting for me as a servant of God "

God flooded the earth in attempts to rid the world of all the sinners. Except for Noah and his family. Noah was to build an ark and take two of every animal. (Male and female). Fyodor is hitting at the flood in this statement.

(More about him not having a God complex)

Back to what I was saying about him not having a God complex. Someone with a God complex wouldn't call themselves "a servant of God" or even pray to God. (Any God bc they believe themselves to be a god). With that religion is a very important part of his character! It is the main or ONLY reason for him doing what he's doing. He wants a world without sin. (He sees ability users as sinful, this goes back to 'the promise land' part).

All if not most of the characters have something they believe in/rely on when doing something. So when they do so, it feels justified in a way no matter the crime. Fyodor's reasons having to do with religion isn't him having a God complex! NOW I know most people have a hard time with religion. But you can't look at a religious character and just go "oh yeah they have a God complex". Or just dismiss everything about it. Because you are taking away something that is clearly VERY important to their character. Anyone that was all!!

EXTRA MENTION ABOUT DOS!!!

like in the image above he states on his his body is feeble. Clearly he is not very physical strong. And possibly could have some underlying disability. "Makes me vulnerable to even the slightest wind". He's clearly not very active either. Anyway he is anemic canon lol. But seriously that's probably why he mainly has other people doing all the action. As he is too weak in a way to do it himself.

Anyway that was all! Apologies if this isn't very accurate I haven't read the Bible in a while. I was literally asking my dad questions about it to try and show the comparisons. (Although I was the smartest kid at Sunday service hehe). Nonetheless I hope you enjoyed this analysis I guess it would be?

An Analysis Most Opinionated of One Hiccup Haddock

I was supposed to write an essay about bioluminescence this weekend, but I ended up writing one about Hiccup instead, because I’m trash.

Be careful handling this thing, it’s literally dripping with feels.

One of the things that makes HTTYD a great movie is that the characters were written to be imperfect, so we can cheer on their successes and relate to their struggles. They’re so multi-dimensional and realistic that everyone can see pieces of themselves.

For my part, I empathize with Stoick more than I do Hiccup, despite Hiccup being higher on my fave character list. I feel like he has a sort of frustrated affection for his son that’s a reflection of how I sometimes feel about my younger siblings. I see him as being both overprotective and lenient, in that he tries to keep Hiccup away from the fighting because he’s terrified that he’ll be killed (hence not letting him be on the fire squad and almost keeping him out of dragon training), but also doesn’t seem to impose consequences very much. He’s so used to Hiccup ignoring him that when he tells him to go home, he immediately adds for Gobber to “make sure he gets there.” And then Hiccup doesn’t even wait for Gobber to be out of earshot before he leaves again. He goes in through the front door and then straight out the back. Most problematic (and hilarious).

And I love this attitude. I’ll call him out on it in a heartbeat, but it never fails to make me laugh. I can respect that he kind of does what he wants most the time (or at least what he thinks he wants), instead of what he’s supposed to be doing. It’s not that he’s deliberately lazy, but he’s easily distracted and often prioritizes his own projects over other duties (like going out into raids/making a map instead of doing his job at the forge). That same quality also means that he’s going to do what he thinks is right despite any and all opposition. When he finds a cause, he’ll put everything else aside and see it through. The writers worked very hard to give him personality traits that had good and bad sides to them, just like a real person.

I love that he fits his name. In the books, there’s a lot of discussion about what it means to be a “Hiccup.” Initially, it’s just explained that it’s a name that means “mistake,” but as time goes on, it shows that it’s better understood as “unexpected.” Hiccups cannot be planned for. They cannot be stopped. They cannot be predicted. Being a Hiccup means being a force of change, an upset in the status quo. It ends up being something to be proud of, because even the Hiccups whose stories ended in tragedies helped to bring about great things.

One of the biggest things I appreciate about Hiccup is his growth throughout the first film, which Toothless is the catalyst for. Before Toothless, he was not happy. Between Snotlout’s and the twins’ mocking and his own weaponized sarcasm, he didn’t get along with his peer group. He didn’t really fit in anywhere, and nobody was in a hurry to help him. The major communication issues between him and his dad left him feeling like he could only gain his dad’s acceptance by killing a dragon. So he tries to do the Viking thing, but he chooses not to do it the Viking way. Instead of physically training like Astrid, he uses his intelligence, curiosity, and optimism to invent weapon after weapon to do the killing for him.

At this point, he’s kinda selfish. Because he’s thinking more of his own status than the village’s overall wellbeing, he keeps doing things his way even with failure after disastrous failure. This is a bad thing, because his failures are quite destructive and make everybody even more frustrated with him. (Not malicious, but certainly not friendly.) It’s also a good thing, because it’s what led to him meeting Toothless and being determined to build something that would let him fly.

(Something interesting here is that, while Hiccup and Stoick find it extremely difficult to relate, they’re actually very similar in some areas. The drive Hiccup has to keep trying over and over is the same bullheadedness that made Stoick keep sending ships to find the dragons’ nest, which also never worked. They both have the capacity for confident leadership (Hiccup just discovers his later.) They care deeply about and would do anything to protect their loved ones. They’re too stubborn to see the other’s perspective. They make lots of mistakes when dealing with each other. The dual “I did this” line came when they each finally realized the extent of the harm their actions caused. The reconciliation scene is a mutual apology well-deserved on both sides.)

The first time we see Hiccup take responsibility for his actions is when he says, “I did this,” and chooses not to kill a dragon he’d made defenseless. It’s from this point that he begins to do his best to right a wrong and restore what he’d stripped away. He starts thinking about someone else and turns his efforts from destruction to creation. And he has a lot more success, because that’s what he’s suited for. His self-esteem grows, as does his capacity to empathize with others. He becomes a better person, because he was incomplete before. He needed Toothless to balance him out and focus all of that energy, brilliance, and creativity on things that would help others, not just him.

The thing I find most endearing about Hiccup is his relationship with his soulmate. He loves that dragon SO MUCH. SO MUCH. Toothless is more important to him than anyone or anything in the world. He would leave everything behind for him in a heartbeat. And he does so much to show it: physical and verbal affection, treating him like an equal, trusting him blindly, being trustworthy himself, spending so much time and energy to give him back his freedom, being willing to sacrifice himself in his place, having a constant awareness of his needs and moods, playfully fighting and arguing, teaching him, learning from him, spending all his time with him… I could go on and on. They become more like each other as time goes on. Hiccup admires Toothless so much that he actively tries to become as dragon-like as possible by making himself wings and flame, and crafting his outfits to match Toothless’s appearance. It’s his best friend that dominates his thoughts and desires, and they are so much a part of each other that they can’t imagine being apart. There is no end to their love and loyalty to each other. Hiccup would fight the world to keep Toothless. His world IS Toothless. I will never, ever tire of these movies, and they are the number one reason.

Hiccup is a great character. He may not have the build or aggression of a Viking, but he’s just as headstrong as the best of them. A Viking can “crush mountains, level forests, and tame seas,” and when this boy sets his mind to something, he achieves the impossible. Like taking down a Night Fury. Like befriending a dragon. Like bringing peace to a 300-year war. He has an enormous capacity for compassion and forgiveness. He could insult someone five ways to Friday and be gone before they have a chance to respond. Where someone like Astrid might see a marked path, he sees unexplored possibilities. Sometimes he’s a diplomat, sometimes he’s a brat. He can be arrogant. He can be goofy. He’s a hero. He’s a dork. He’s independent. He’s impossible. He questions everything. He wants to experience it all for himself. He’s clever, creative, and intuitive. He’s a visionary. He’s a leader. He’s a hiccup.

The world tried to change him to fit in. Instead, he changed the world to fit him.

Differences between Novel/Manga!Dazai and Anime!Dazai

(A re-upload because tumblr did not want to show this post in the tags no matter what I did. I’m very sorry if it’s inconvenient for my followers! I hope this will work!)

This analysis is an expansion to this post -> (along-came-atsushi.tumblr.com/post/190387561311) I made a while ago, to which @shin-hakuryu​​​ asked, if I could give some examples. So, I decided to turn this into its own post.

I’m aware that every anime episode has its time limit and needs to highlight certain scenes more than others, so that it’s still exciting to watch for the viewer. It’s a different kind of storytelling than the storytelling in a manga or a novel. I’m also aware that the animators need to leave out some things in order to highlight others.

Additionally, I want to point out that the anime didn’t portray Dazai out of character or something, and made a good job in general. But sometimes I get the feeling that the anime tries to idealize and refine Dazai’s original novel/manga version.

Please note that the following are just some examples of scenes and quotes from the manga and novels, as I haven’t read all of the novels until now, and listing all differences would be way too long.

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