Don't Talk. Just Walk.

Don't talk. Just walk.

Did I walk away too soon?

Could we have fixed things---

Talked it out---

Found a compromise?

After what you said,

That you didn't know what you wanted

That you wanted me on your terms

That you had "no desire to change" your behavior

It felt like the answer was clearly stated.

Because I realized then,

That, to you, I'm someone

Who's not even worth a conversation.

And that tells me

That walking away was the right choice,

Even if sometimes it still doesn't feel like it.

How dare I let myself believe that anyone could ever actually love me.

Remember

Do you remember that night we spent on the floor, playing Pokémon? We must've kissed for hours, laying on that floor together. Afterward, you rested your head on my lap and stared up at me with your soul-snatching eyes. It was the first time I ever felt safe being so close to someone. Even though we were still basically strangers...you felt like home.

That night. That's when I knew I was yours.

I miss you.

So, I am still sad.

But my sadness has morphed into a new kind.

Now it's a quiet, calm, baby blue

Sort of sadness.

One that is no longer violent.

One that no longer screams.

This sadness tumbles gently forward

Like waves onto a sandy shore--

Bringing with it sweet memories of you

Swaddled in sorrow.

I welcome this sadness--

These memories.

Sorrow and all---

Because they're fragments of you.

And

Despite everything,

I adore you.

I adore you,

And

I always will.

Happy Birthday

Dear big bro,

Today is your birthday. Today you would've been 30 years old, and I would've rubbed my youth in your face just to be cheeky. It's your birthday, yet it's the 5th one you haven't been alive to celebrate. Obviously, I wish you were here. I wish you had made it past 25.

If you were here today, I would watch a movie with you--any movie you would've wanted to watch. I would buy you an ice cream cake and sing happy birthday like every other year. I would even smoke a black & mild with you outside because I know how much that would've meant to you.

I would tell you how proud of you I was then--and still am now--for getting up each day and trying again even though it wasn't easy (it was excruciatingly painful). I would tell you I forgive you for the pain you caused when you were in the throes of your battle with addiction. I would tell you I love you--that I always did even when I was hurt and angry--and that I always will.

And I would also apologize for not being there for you when you needed support most. I would tell you I'm sorry that I closed myself off in my pain instead of trying to understand you.

And of course, I would thank you for being my big brother--for being such an important and beautiful part of my life.

Happy birthday, Zach.

I love you and I miss you (always).

“I think you lost all interest in this world. You were disappointed and discouraged, and lost interest in everything. So you abandoned your physical body. You went to a world apart and you’re living a different kind of life there. In a world inside you.”

— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84