I Thank You.

I thank you.

I like what i am now,  little bit broken. I am glad I am. A few months back I was a complete mess. You left me so broken. And maybe you were sad too. But you’ve found someone new. And you’re happy. By god did that kill me. 

I’m glad you did. because if you hadn’t i wouldn’t have realized how little I meant to you. How futile our love was to you. I tried so hard to pretend it was all fine, that seeing the two of you together did not kill me. Heaven only knows the nights i cried myself to sleep. 

You told me that you found yourself with her. well good. But i was left behind on the ground to up the pieces of my shattered heart.

Nevertheless i picked myself up. It still hurts, seeing the two of you together, happy, but not as much. I am able to push aside the thoughts of what we were and how we could’ve been. I can look past the hurt and the pain you’ve caused. I may not be able to let myself love again anytime soon, but i will..eventually. 

More than anything I’m proud of myself. i picked myself up without anyone. I didn’t need another person’s affection to feel close to whole again. I can’t wait to fall in love again. Maybe this time I’ll fall for someone who’ll love just as deeply and just as honestly as i will them. Maybe this time I’ll do justice to my emotions, to my fears, to my dreams ...and to my love. 

I don’t blame you, I thank you. 

With love,                                                                                                                the one person you meant the world to 

The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we loved..

Ya know I really want to type out happy things. I want to write that I'm happy, my grades are up, my attendance is top notch, my professors are amazing, haven't been sick in a while, that I'm FANTASTIC!!

But that's the thing, I'm not. And I know that there's quite a lot of people out there right now, probably not reading this, feeling this way.

I'm scared. Simply put, I'm scared.

I'm so scared for what's to come that I'm not able to live my now and I dont even know what even IS coming..

My 2nd sem starts tomorrow, and I tried to open my book and I just blank. I dont know what I'm going to do in class. I'm scared to even drop my course, because if I do, what next? What new course can i do? I cant not have a college degree, right? Will I be okay if I dont have a college degree?

I've been tried so hard to catch up to something that I dont even know, I've forgotten whom I used to be..

But if you closed your eyes, does it almost feel nothing's changed at all ...

There are these small pockets, small moments when for a small while I forget about my impending doom and I feel calm. Just for a little bit.

Then the walls come tumbling down again...

Tell me how am I gonna be an optimistic about this ..

Have you read Murakami's Norwegian wood ?

I've only just started and I already feel at home.

When Naoko talked about our inability to accept our deformities, for a moment I almost forgot that I was reading someone else's words.

It felt too personal. If I'd known how to express myself, that's how I would've done it.

Naoko's fears regarding whether or not the outside world will accept their deformities- I couldn't help wonder whether we were all hiding from ourselves..

Each of us, hide parts of ourselves from others- even from our closest friends, because deep down WE are afraid of how they'll see us.

Parts of ourselves WE feel are wrong, deformed, things that do not conform to the

normal archetype.

I think Deep down, we just want to be accepted by ourselves.

Homeward ❤

Been away for far too long, about damn time.

sweet night 🍯🌙✨

Back to School Tips

for the ADHD student 

just a list of things that have helped me while struggling at community college:) hopefully these will apply for high school ADHDers too!

- don’t choose classes that you don’t love, unless absolutely necessary. uninteresting classes will kill your motivation so fast guys.

- when scheduling classes, DO NOT sign up for a class before 8am!! or even 9!! you’ll think you can do these things, but you just can’t, Nemo. 

- take it easy on the redbull. energy drinks, sugar, and any other processed foods and/or drugs isn’t the best for concentration or memory or functioning in general.

- speaking of memory, it is very important to get enough sleep, because that is when memories are consolidated. specifically, get enough deep (NREM) sleep; deep sleep is when explicit and factual memories are established, while REM sleep only consolidates procedural and emotional memories. Basically, if you’re gonna skip sleep and do homework, wake up early to study, don’t stay up late.

- and while we’re talking of sleep, keep in mind a couple things: 1) yes, sleep is important but 2) you will undoubtedly not get enough so don’t cry over it and 3) this is when coffee comes in.

- and i don’t mean Starbucks, because that heavenly, fantastic shit is for much richer people. get used to strong, black coffee because it’s cheap and works better and it’s cheap.

- make friends with your professors at the BEGINNING of the term. sometimes all you gotta do is start the conversation and your grade will magically become better.

- always have a healthy snack on hand, like almonds or dried fruit.

- find yourself a sanctuary. THIS MIGHT BE MY MOST IMPORTANT TIP. on campus, things are gonna be overwhelming and hard and tiring, and you’re gonna need something or someplace to return to, where you can study, cry, get shit done, nap, stair into the endless void call Life, etc. I usually find myself a hidden corner or table or couch in each hall to claim as my territory, then camp out in in it between (and sometimes during) classes.

- always have your earbuds.

- find a study partner, not a study group.

- don’t be afraid to ask for help from tudors, peers, professors or Student Disability services. I got SSD accommodations finally after 8 terms and it SAVED MY LIFE. usually, services for students with disabilities can get you extra time on tests, note taking help, and other stuff specific to your school.

- bring a fiddle toy, coloring sheets, chewing gun, or anything else to help you sit through class. and if someone comments on your fidget cube, glare or slap them or stab their eyes out. this is college, bitch. survival of the dog-eat-dog. or something.

- on that note, do whatever you need to get through class. and i don’t mean blackmail your professor. i do mean show up to class in pajamas, or create a crazy wall with tacked-up papers and red string and crossed-out codes, or bring a pot of tea to morning yoga. usually people don’t actually care about what you do or say or look like, so just be.

- yes, color-coding + sticky notes are always a good idea.

- take your notes on paper! we all know that computer note-taking is a gateway to distraction which leads to online impulse buys and obsessive research about probably time travel. or penguin migration habits. or what colors go best with your skin tones. just, write notes in a notebook.

- last tip! have a pre-game playlist. get hyped. energize yourself so you can make through the class, the day, the week, the term, the Life. find what inspires you and don’t forget it. 

Anyways, that’s all. this got a lot longer then i had planned. hope this is helpful to at least one person!! if you have any tips you wanna add, feel free:) good luck this year, my dudes. 

p.s. if you find this post helpful but you don’t have adhd but you wanna reblog anyway, chill. it’s okay. reblog anyway. just everyone be respectful and fucking nice and tag correctly. i really don’t care❤️❤️❤️