He Left Me Hanging... AGAIN!

he left me hanging... AGAIN!

when am i going to stop believing he’s sincere? when am i going to stop this illusion? when am i going to accept the fact that he only see me as one of his schoolmates?? he should have ignored my question. he should have stopped replying. he should have ended it. or maybe i should have stopped myself from asking him in the first place… why do i always bother caring for him… can i even consider it as caring or just being nosy? when am i going to learn that he has his own life now and i am never going to be part of it. he only did that coz he’s bored. ugh why am i questioning him now? why the heck can’t i trust him? why do i bother to think about what’s the truth? like i said, i got shocked the first time he replied to me. then he asked me back a question. it’s not even that serious. it was out of courtesy. being the respectful man he is. and then the convo went on since i kept asking him stuff. why did i do that? prolly coz i want to know more about him. i’m curious about what he’s up to now. or maybe i am missing this feeling… the feeling that even such words can’t even describe it. *sigh* i never learn my lesson. i know i’ll end up hurting again… crying… blaming myself why i let it happen. i make everything look like it’s a big deal. but it’s not. it was just a simple ‘hi & hello’ to an ‘acquaintance’ right? ugh i don’t really know. i don’t understand why i am being like this again. i don’t understand what is really happening. the only thing i know is i was happy while talking to him. i was happy that he didn’t ignore me. i was happy he gave me some of his precious time. but i was also worried that he may also be playing with me again… playing with my feelings again. *sigh* please stop making me think there’s still a possibility. please let me know that i am just a friend. please tell it to me clearly. i’m getting tired of this guessing game. i don’t want to ruin your life again. i don’t want to make it looks like i own you. i don’t want you to hate me. i don’t want to return to the old possessive me. i want you to be happy. so please, let me stop thinking about you. let me give you peace. let me forget you. i know i should be over this by now. this should have not affected me in the first place. i thought i was over you. i guess there is still a part of you in my heart… that i can’t let go. but don’t worry i’ll try to let it go as soon as i can. i’ll eventually forget all these puppy love i have for you. soon, i won’t be bothering you again. or if i will, i’ll make sure there’s no love connection in it at all… i’m sorry jellyeiz for being like this. it has been almost 4 years now… i’m really sorry. i think too much. i care too much. i’m sorry… i really am.

my wish was granted.

Last night before i went to sleep, i remember i wished i will get sick and eventually die. I dont remember why i had that kind of thought… but i know i was thinking of it. Imagining how things would be like if i get a serious illness and maybe die because of it. I was curious of my family and friends’ reactions about my condition. Will they treat me differently? Will they shower me with love and care? Will i even get their attention? Those are just some of the questions i had in mind. Somehow it is not just one of my daily dramas but from my own curiousity and prolly active imagination. However, i didn’t expect that that night my wish will be granted… Yeah, i was diagnosed with a serious illness… It has something to do with my respiratory system… my breathing… how my lungs works. I remember visiting a hospital and a woman approached me to inform me that i need to be hospitalized that instant because my case is already in the serious stage. But i didn’t get scared. I dont know if i just didnt understand what she was talking about or maybe i was too schocked and in denial that time. I walked around the hospital. I saw several patients walking in front of me. I saw some dying… while their families are crying. I saw some patients laughing… they are the little kids playing, running around but they were wearing hospital gowns. Im not sure but i think i’ve been walking the whole time. I’ve visited some rooms too. I think i even got scared when a soul of a dying patient (a kid) tried communicating with me. I was scared. Really scared. I am not sure if i died… But i saw some familiar faces with me… And then… I woke up. Frightened as if everything that happened was real. I pulled my blanket to cover my face. I was scared that i might see the little kid. Then i offered a little prayer… I asked God to forgive me, to let all the souls of the people who died find their way to the Heaven, to thank Him that it was just a dream & to tell Him i dont want it to happen again. Then i went back to sleep. That morning i was glad it was all just a dream. ~~~~~ Moral Lesson of this story: Think before you ask a wish. Don’t blurt out random stuff especially when you are being emotional. Also, love life. Be thankful that we are healthy and blessed instead of asking something like dying when there are many people out there suffering from an illness, problem, hindrances in life without having their chance to prove themselves and their worth. Dont act stupid. Always be thankful to God for giving you another chance to live everyday with your loved ones. It doesn’t matter if you got a lot of problems; those are just his challenges for you to grow up, to learn, & to be stronger. God will not put us in danger; He’s always there to remind us to not let these hardships stop us from living. There is always a solution to a problem. There is hope. Don’t give up on living. Life is important. We should live our lives to the fullest!

May 23rd of 2010

Today is your day... Did you have fun today? I bet you did. Well, im glad you did.

I just want to tell you that i "saw" you again. You were there. I barely remember what completely happened but i know you were there. You were still ignoring me though. The fact that you dont really care about me... Is the reason why i am always asking myself why i still see you in my dreams from time to time.

This morning, i woke up in the middle of a dream. I saw you there with my friends. Same situation. It feels so real. The scene depicts how much you don't like that i care for you and you hate it coz i have a big crush on you.

Just like the 'good' old days in our elementary days. You knew i liked you a lot but it didnt even matter to you. You just ignored it. You never acknowledged it. And in return, you ignored me, and started hating me. Your facial expression changes whenever i pass by or when i'm infront of you. I know you'll never forgive me. I know you treat this as a curse, a big humiliation of your entire elementary and high school life. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that i fell for you. I'm really sorry but i didn't just choose it to happen. It happened coz you were different from the other boys in our school. You make my heart flutter when you're around. You capture me whenever you smile and laugh. You amuse me with your basketball skills. You then became an inspiration, a crush. And that's when i started liking you. I remember there was a point in my life where i chose to fight with my own friends for my huge crush on you. I cried for you. I got hurt emotionally for several times but i didnt care that much. You became a big part of my life...

And until now, you are still a part of it. Though i always remind myself that past is past and i have to at least forget about my childish acts coz you've already moved on.

Im sorry that i still get affected when it comes to you. Im sorry that i still care. I know this is so childish but i cant help it either. You were special to me once and that's why you will forever have a special place in my heart.

I know you're tired of this. I know you still dont care. But i want to greet you a HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I want to hug you and thank God for making you healthy and giving you life. I want to make your day special. I want to celebrate it with you. I want to sing you 'happy birthday' & bake a cake for you. I want to know your birthday wish as i watch you blow your candles. I want to give you a special gift.... But is this even possible? Will you like it? Will you even accept it?

Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are already laid out in front of me. It is a BIG NO- YOU'LL ONLY HATE ME MORE! sigh

I understand your side. I respect it. But i really want to wish you a happy happy birthday today.

Hopefully, next time i get to completely move on with my life. Maybe stop dreaming about you... And face the reality.

Happy birthday Bill!

at 12:45am

damn what happened to me? why do i suddenly feel sad. napaiyak pa tuloy ako. what did i do to deserve this feeling? i thought everything was fine. nahawaan ba ako ni kuya ng 'depression' niya? fuck i hate this feeling.

kanina everything was fine. except dun sa blood. but everything was fine. it scared the shit out of me pero i am still hoping nothing is wrong. but now, i feel like crying myself to sleep again.

i hate this! i hate being moody and sensitive. i wish i don't care at all. how i wish there will be no reason for me to shed bucket of tears again. nakakapagod na. i feel stupid. i feel like i am gonna go crazy. una, im all good tapos later on i'll be crying for no reason. can i just have a peaceful life without worrying what will happen next. pagod na ako eh. pagod na pagod. ayaw ko na umiyak. i feel like i am becoming more weak whenever i cry. and i don't want that feeling. as much as possible, pipiliin ko pa na maging busy ako instead of thinking about what i am going to do with my life. nakakapressure. nakakainis!

what really happened to me? what is happening to me? what will happen to me?

Thank you ***l. Bye P**i! :) ok na ako!

the final goodbye. I wasn't expecting it to be this easy for me but i thank him for making me achieve this answer without being hurt like what i've imagined before. I thought i'll be crying for weeks and be devastated if this happened, but i guess not. The preparation i did before helped me a lot. Glad i did it now! I am now prepared and ready to see what will happen to me in the future without you constantly being in my mind. I can now finally say i will get over you. Now, i can breathe. Now, i feel better. I feel relieved. Thank you :)

Slap in my FACE

Fck you! I hate it coz every words that comes from your mouth are making me hate myself. Why cant you understamd how hurt i am? Why are you so insensitive to my feelings? Why dont you listen to what i wanna say before you talk to me? Why dont you let me do whatever i want?

I am so sick of this bullshit! You never made me feel proud of myself. You only make me hate myself more.

Do you really want me to go insane? Do you really think im okay with all of these things goin on right now??

Ugh idk what to do anymore. I cant hate you just because. I can only hate myself. I wanna hurt myself but i aint that stupid. I wanna cry but im too strong to cry for this. I wanna scream my heart out but im too reserved to do that. In other words, im just a plain stupid kid who'll never get her happiness. Fck you world!