Kharmine Smile Is Best Smile. And Demonic Lords And Ladies Are Also Cool.

Kharmine smile is best smile. And demonic lords and ladies are also cool.

Elden Ring AU concept: “Meeting” the Demigods

Elden Ring Spoilers

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The Tarnished walks up to the two dead fingers atop the Divine Tower of Limgrave. They don’t, really know how to approach the image in front of them of a floating Rune that seems to resemble what they retrieved from Godrick. Truth be told, before coming to the Lands Between, the only thing they’d ever known of it was from tales passed down in their family, which were from long ago when the Tarnished were first cast out. But they then approach, and reach out curiously, before a loud noise is heard and the Rune’s power is restored

And the Tarnished relaxes, until they hear a familiar, unwelcoming voice

Godrick: Foul Tarnished, what have you DONE to me?

They then look around, freaked the fuck out

Tarnished: Who the hell-?

Godrick: Do not act as if you cannot HEAR ME, FOOL

Tarnished: Oh GOD ARE YOU IN MY HEAD?

Godrick: No, I’m in your damned sock drawer- OF COURSE I’M IN YOUR HEAD

Tarnished: Ohhh Gods I think I’m gonna be sick

Godrick: Oh don’t you DARE vomit when I CAN FEEL IT AS WELL

Tarnished: Oh gooddddds we share sensory as well, hoh nooo- how do I get rid of you

Godrick: Well, can you get rid of my Great Rune?

Tarnished:… I think I absorbed it so-

Godrick: Then you can’t get rid of me

Tarnished:… Well. I believe that the best way is for us to be mature about this, and- Gods I can’t keep that up you absolutely suck

Godrick: NOW LISTEN HERE YOU INSIGNIFICANT WHELP-

They then spent the next 3 hours cussing each other out at the Tower’s Grace. And the first pair was created

The Starscourge

About a week or so later of the 2 going through the world, they eventually made their way around Liurnia, and then once the Tarnished felt brave enough (No thanks to Godrick mind you), they eventually went through Caelid, fighting dogs, birds, rot, and eventually made it to Redmane, where they participated in the festival to battle Radahn. In which Godrick occasionally offered advice, which usually consisted of “Hide Behind the big bad wolf” or “Let the Pot take the hit for you” and his most useful tip, when the General came from the sky, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” in high note. And eventually, they defeated Radahn and claimed his Great Rune. And after going through Caelid’s divine tower, they reached the top.

Tarnished: So what’s he like, Radahn?

Godrick: Well, from what I remember-

Tarnished: Oh that’s right, you hid in your castle from him! Nevermind!

Godrick: I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THE LITTLE WRETCH KNOWN AS HAIGHT IS NOT A VALID SOURCE

Tarnished: Oh, so you didn’t hide from him then?

Godrick:… just activate the damn thing already

Tarnished: Alright then, here we go!

Godrick:

Tarnished:

Godrick:

Tarnished:

Radahn: What’re we waiting for?

Godrick: AHHH

Tarnished: GODS, WHAT?

Radahn: Hah! Apologies, but I felt like I’d just woken up from a long dream, and the two of you just seemed so nervous, so I followed my old teachers advice and lightened the mood with some humor!

Godrick: Well that would work if you weren’t so DAMNED TERRIFYING

Radahn: Oh Godrick, everything is terrifying to you!

Godrick: Why you-

Radahn: Ah, apologies, I have forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Radahn, son of Rennala.

Tarnished: Well, for one whose title is Starscourge, you’re much more… pleasant than I’d believed

Radahn: Yes well, you did free me from what felt like a horrible, unending nightmare, so I figure that by courtesy, I should extend my thanks. But uh, what is Godrick doing here?

Godrick: I’ll have you KNOW, Radahn, that after becoming Lord of Limgrave, I ruled with an iron fist, and I became a being beyond anyone’s reach, and then, and THEN I-

Tarnished: I beat him and activated his rune. Now he’s in my head like you!

Radahn: I see

Godrick: I TOLD YOU TO STOP INTERRUPTING ME-

And so our duo becomes a trio.

The Omen King

After an excruciating trek through Leyndell and its cramped corners, and a damned Ghost of Godfrey which turned the 2 demigods into fanboys in the Tarnished’s ear, they finally defeated Morgott and made their way to the Divine Tower

Tarnished: So you’re telling me he guarded your tower from Tarnished and you didn’t even realize he was there?

Godrick: I had bigger things to worry about at the time, FOOL

Radahn: Bigger than your uncle? Who is the literal king of Leyndell?

Godrick: Quiet you big oaf… but how long do you think before he says “Foul Tarnished”

Radahn: Don’t you think that predicting your uncle’s speech based off of the one time you’ve met him is a bit rash?

Godrick:…really?

Radahn: Ok fine, I bet it’ll be after 2 sentences

Godrick: I bet in the first one

Tarnished: Ok guys shut up, I’m activating it.

Godrick:

Radahn:

Tarnished:

Morgott: Who dares to- oh you little whelp

Godrick: damn

Tarnished: Hello, Margaret.

Morgott: My name is MORGOTT YOU FOOL.

Radahn: Here it comes

Tarnished: I know, I just don’t particularly care!

Morgott: Hmph! Just the etiquette I would expect from a Foul Tarnished

Godrick: DAMMIT

Radahn: HAH

Morgott: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS LAUGHING IT?

Tarnished:…Oh this is gonna be fun

And that adds up to 4

The Blasphemous Serpent

After an arduous amount of Tarnished-killing, which Morgott was slightly enjoying, and tears spilled by Radahn, The Tarnished, and Godrick over Diallos and Jar Bairn in Jarburg, with Morgott confused about who any of these people were, they finally slew the Serpent. And then went to the Tower

Tarnished: Ok, here we go

Morgott: What’s wrong, Godrick? You’re uncharacteristically quiet

Godrick: Oh nothing, just reconsidering the whole, Grafting ideology after what we just witnessed

Tarnished: What? I thought you’d love seeing a fellow abomination who consumes others and adds them to themselves!

Godrick: Quiet, tarnished

Radahn: I’m honestly just looking forward to seeing Rykard again, I mean honestly, he was one of the few things I regret leaving behind when I went to Caelid

Rykard: The fheeling is mutual, brotha

Tarnished: GODS FUCK

Morgott: Indeed, they do

Godrick: GODS HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING

Radahn: Rykard! You’re here

Tarnished: And you kept the bloody voice

Rykard: I see no problem wiff thish

Tarnished:… I’m going to hate sleeping aren’t I?

And then there were 5

The Lord of Blood

After finding a random Sending Gate in the Consecrated Snowfields, the group found themselves in a palace of blood, which they soon discovered to be the home of Mohg, Lord of Blood… which prompted Morgott to have extreme embarrassment from his brother essentially becoming the Biggest Edgelord in the family. Like if you and your friends visited your brother only to find out he was a cultist. But eventually, they defeated Mohg, and went to activate his rune

Godrick:…So are we just not going to discuss the egg with an Empyrean in it?

Morgott: Quiet, upstart. What we saw there we can do nothing about

Radahn: I just wonder what the hell happened to Miquella, he seemed so… different

Rykard: Indeed, it was as if Mohg had corrupted him somehow

Tarnished: Well we can ask right now! Hey Mohg?

Mohg: Yes?

Godrick: EEEEK

Radahn: I think I just heard glass break

Rykard: Hello there Mohg, big fan of your aesthetic I must say

Morgott: Quiet, snake

Mohg: Is that you, brother?

Morgott:… yes, Mohg, it is

Mohg: Gods it has been a long time

Morgott: Yes, I know

Mohg: Do you still pray to the Erdtree every night?

Morgott: SHUT UP, MOHG

And that made 6

Malenia The Undefeated(Addendum made by Radahn)

After going through an illusory town, traveling through a tree, and eventually reaching the very bottom, the Tarnished was face to face with Malenia. Who claimed to have never known defeat(Which Radahn heavily disagreed with). And after try after try after try, eventually, she was defeated. And they went to activate the Rune

Godrick: Well, it sure will be useful to have someone who’s never known defeat on our team, eh Radahn?

Radahn:…

Morgott: Very true, we’ll have someone who truly knows the art of battle on our side

Radahn: …

Rykard: Ok now come on, running away doesn’t mean she didn’t lose

Radahn: EXACTLY, THANK YOU

Tarnished:… my fucking ears

Morgott: What’s wrong with you, Mohg? I’d have figured a loudmouth such as you would be jumping in on this

Tarnished: He probably wants to go unnoticed by Malenia

Godrick: Oh yes, I almost forgot he stole Miquella

Mohg: I’m hoping she will fail to notice my presence

Tarnished: So you’re never going to speak again?

Rykard: That seems silly

Malenia: Agreed

Mohg: AAAGH-

Tarnished: Hello Malenia, how are you?

Malenia: Well, it feels good to not be consumed by Rot all day, so that’s a plus. And if there’s anyone who I had to sacrifice my perfect streak to, I’m glad it was you

Radahn: So does running away just count as a win for you?

And immediately all semblance of peace was lost as the demigods argued. And while it may have seemed dysfunctional, the 8 individuals eventually formed a camaraderie, considering each other close, with the Tarnished being a common friend to them, even if some would never admit it(Morgott and Godrick the biggest fuckin tsunderes)

How to tell a raven from a crow. Made with corvid researcher Dr. Kaeli Swift for her blog post on the subject!

@nijohirjesyho don't you dare keep this joke to discord

#unmute