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You hate me

@screamfome

Oh no. I’m hurting again.

Money and relationships are deeply intertwined, and the influence of wealth on personal connections is both a timeless and complex issue. While it is often said that "money can't buy love," the reality is that financial resources have a significant impact on relationships, shaping how they form, function, and sometimes falter. Money can serve as a tool that opens doors to new social circles, facilitates personal expression, and sustains relationships through shared experiences and comforts. However, it can also create power imbalances, foster transactional interactions, and breed insecurity or resentment. In this essay, we will explore the ways money buys into relationships, its positive and negative effects, and how it shapes the dynamics of human connection. And now in my opinion, I think it call comes down to a person and the characteristics of the person. But eventually does buy into things and for me it sickens the perception of love and affection. One of the most prevalent ways money influences relationships is through the establishment of power dynamics. In relationships where one party holds significantly more financial resources than the other, a power imbalance often develops. The wealthier individual may unconsciously or deliberately wield control over decisions, living arrangements, and even the future of the relationship. This imbalance can create tension, as the less wealthy partner may feel dependent or obligated, potentially leading to resentment over time.

So always know.

Money, money, money.

And that was the end of that. So changed.

Tomorrow I’ll make sure everyone is sleeping so I can be out away for good

I want to drown myself in my own blood

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate my self i hate it’s just hate I lust the hate I have for myself I hate myself I hate myself

god forbid myself to co exist with everything and everyone and yet he won’t give me strength to just let me suffocate myself

I finished making my suicide note for now. I don’t know when I will use it but it is in case

If you are reading this. I am probably going to kill myself. I really don’t know when but I want to.

I don’t hate you. I never could hate anyone or anything. Oh honey, I learned to stop hating people ever since they started hating me. I couldn’t bring myself to hold a grudge against you anymore. I’ve always been naive about certain aspects of people, never fully understanding myself, but I get why people are upset with me, why you wouldn’t want to see me like this. I know you care. I know you do. A lot of people care. A lot of people actually show me love. Special people. It’s just me. I’m a problem for you, a problem maybe beyond fixing. And I’m a horrible person. The countless apologies I give mean nothing because I always find a way to destroy and ruin what we rebuild over and over again. I see you crying over the mess I always cause, and who wouldn’t say that I hate them or that you hate me? But I don’t know why I do it. I don’t know why I don’t stop. I just keep doing it. And that’s where I lose myself in so many situations. That’s why I’m always a problem for people. I hate that sentence, but it’s hypocritical of me to say because I say it as well. I think I found the reason. I met a lovely person. At first, we were mostly strangers and friends, but then I slowly became so much closer to them and felt deeply in love. We got together, which was a happy opening for me in life. But you know what? I couldn’t just love them because I was so much more obsessed with hating myself on a daily basis. Hating myself, my ego, and God forbid I take a chance at the opportunity of being able to make it and love properly. It was more about hating myself than anything else. And I love her so very much. I love her, but I just ruined myself for her because I loved hating myself more than I loved her. And it hurts. Because you love people. You love them so much, and it makes it worse for you because you are so selfish in hating yourself that you can’t see the people who really care trying to reach out to you. But life doesn’t let me see that every single time. And that’s why I have a falling out with my friends and family and the people who really love me. I wish I could say sorry, but I’ve already sinned too much to just say sorry again and again. But I hope you know that I love you. I love you so very much, so deeply in my heart. You deserve everything, and I try to give you it all. I try to make you feel rewarded. I’m really trying. I say it every time because I hope that I can make you feel good all the time. I’m just trying. I hope I can make it. I love you.

I NEED TO WRITE SOMETHING 😭

✵ ABOUT ME ✵

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✦ Salutations, you may call me Santi, but anything else may suffice.

✦ My current age is 15!

✦ I identify as omnisexual/pansexual with a preference.

✦ I enjoy using Tumblr to connect with certain friends, but I'm considering using it more to express my thoughts and write essays on various topics, even if no one finds them particularly interesting.

✦ I take pleasure in poetry, history, theology, philosophy, writing, and literature. Each of these subjects enriches my mind and soul, offering a unique perspective on the human experience. Poetry allows me to explore emotions and beauty through words, while history provides a deep understanding of our past.

Theology and philosophy challenge my beliefs and encourage profound contemplation. Writing is my way of expressing thoughts and creativity, and literature opens the door to countless worlds and ideas. Together, they form a tapestry of knowledge and inspiration that I cherish deeply.

✦ I am fluent in English, Spanish, and Italian, and I also have a basic understanding of Chinese.

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✦ Some not so important topic I enjoy:

Video games: The Fallout franchise, War Thunder, Red Dead Redemption series.

Music: David Bowie, Jeff Buckley, Nirvana, The Cure, Talk Show Boy, Depeche Mode, Duran Duran, Mayhem.

Other things: Aviation, planes, sports, art/drawing, playing guitar.

Socials;

Discord: Stör (stor5721)

TikTok: @Wanderbutsh

Insta: Averagefailure_

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That’s all for now, you can ask me anything or ask me to write something (nothing wrong of course) !!

Cya!

“Anorexia: my experience and thoughts”

Living with anorexia is akin to being ensnared in a relentless tempest, a storm that shrouds the mind and distorts one's perception of reality. It begins with subtlety, often masquerading as a mere desire for health or control, but swiftly spirals into an all-consuming obsession with food, weight, and the reflection that greets you in the mirror.

Each meal becomes a battlefield, fraught with anxiety and guilt. The mirror, once a benign object of casual glance, transforms into a cruel judge, casting a distorted image that never aligns with the reality perceived by others. Despite the relentless shedding of weight, the insidious feeling of being 'not enough' persists, gnawing incessantly at the core of self-worth and identity.

Anorexia isolates, drawing an invisible yet unyielding line between oneself and those who offer love and concern. Social gatherings, once sources of joy and companionship, become laden with dread. The fear of judgment and the compulsion to conceal one's struggles erect barriers, rendering it increasingly difficult for others to reach out and provide solace.

The physical toll is immense. Energy levels plummet, and tasks that once seemed trivial become exhausting endeavors. Hair thins, skin pales, and a persistent coldness invades the bones, irrespective of the weather. The body, in its silent plea for nourishment, begins to falter, prioritizing vital functions over the everyday activities that once brought pleasure and fulfillment.

Emotionally, the struggle is equally profound. Anorexia whispers deceitful lies, convincing the sufferer that their worth is inexorably tied to their ability to suppress hunger. It thrives on perfectionism and fear, leaving scant room for joy or spontaneity. The rigid rules and rituals surrounding food create a false sense of safety, even as they erode both health and happiness.

The path to recovery from anorexia is a journey that demands immense courage and unwavering support. It involves challenging deeply ingrained beliefs, confronting fears, and gradually rebuilding a healthy relationship with food and one's body. It requires learning to trust the body's signals, rediscovering the simple pleasures of eating, and finding new ways to cope with life's myriad challenges.

Most importantly, recovery is about reclaiming one's life from the tenacious grip of a disorder that thrives on silence and secrecy. It is about reconnecting with oneself and others, finding strength in vulnerability, and embracing the possibility of a future where food is seen as nourishment, not an enemy, and where one's worth is recognized beyond the numbers on a scale.

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Living with anorexia has been a most arduous journey, fraught with the ceaseless turmoil of mind and body. It began innocently enough, a mere desire to sculpt a healthier version of myself. Yet, what commenced as a simple endeavor to improve swiftly morphed into an all-consuming obsession, a pernicious fixation upon food, weight, and the visage that stared back from the looking glass.

In the early days, I found solace in the perceived control over my diet, a semblance of order in an otherwise chaotic existence. But soon, each repast became a harrowing ordeal, each morsel a battle against the relentless voice within that whispered of inadequacy and unworthiness. The mirror, once a tool of self-reflection, transformed into a merciless arbiter, casting a distorted image that no measure of deprivation seemed to ameliorate.

As the weeks turned to months, my loved ones grew increasingly alarmed, their concern palpable in their furrowed brows and whispered conversations. Social gatherings, once a source of joy, became laden with dread, and I withdrew into the solitude that anorexia demanded. Isolation became my companion, feeding the insidious belief that I was in control even as my body withered and my spirit dimmed.

The day of reckoning arrived abruptly, as such days often do. My body, taxed beyond endurance, succumbed to the strain. I collapsed, and the world around me blurred into a cacophony of alarms and urgent voices. The hospital's sterile walls and the grave expressions of the medical practitioners laid bare the perilous state of my existence. My organs, they said, were failing; I was teetering on the precipice of oblivion.

During my convalescence, I was compelled to confront the stark reality of my affliction. The dedicated efforts of physicians, nurses, my family, and compassionate therapists brought me to a sobering epiphany. I had been ensnared by a malady that threatened not only my physical being but my very soul. It was a revelation both terrifying and liberating.

The path to recovery has been strewn with obstacles, each day a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. The struggle to reframe my relationship with sustenance, to see food as a source of nourishment rather than an adversary, is a labor of Herculean proportions. Therapy has been my steadfast ally, guiding me through the labyrinth of my psyche, helping me unearth the roots of my disorder and cultivate healthier means of coping.

Yet, despite the progress marked, the specter of anorexia is ever-present, a shadow that lingers at the edges of my consciousness. Stress and upheaval can rekindle the old fears, the pernicious thoughts that once held me captive. But I am bolstered by the unwavering support of those who love me and the strategies gleaned through relentless introspection. I am resolved to persevere, to continue my voyage towards health and self-acceptance, even amidst the tempest.

Living with anorexia has been a harrowing odyssey, a trial that has tested the very fabric of my being. But it has also imparted invaluable lessons in self-compassion and fortitude. Though I still wrestle with the remnants of this affliction, I do so with the knowledge that I am not alone. Each step forward, however tentative, is a triumph of the spirit, a declaration of my intent to reclaim my life from the clutches of this insidious disorder.

"The Evolving Influence of Religion: From Sacred Texts to Digital Discourse"

In the annals of human history, religion has long held sway as a guiding force, revered for its moral precepts and spiritual teachings encapsulated within sacred texts. These texts, revered as divine revelations, have shaped civilizations, institutions, and personal beliefs across epochs.

Yet, in the modern age, the influence of religion finds itself in a nuanced juxtaposition with its traditional textual form. No longer solely confined to parchment and ink, religious teachings now navigate a digital landscape, where ancient wisdom meets contemporary discourse with unprecedented accessibility and immediacy.

The evolution of technology has democratized access to religious texts, making profound spiritual insights and moral guidance accessible to a global audience at the touch of a screen. Social media platforms disseminate religious teachings, fostering communities of faith that transcend geographical boundaries and cultural divides. In this digital realm, religious texts serve not only as repositories of faith but as catalysts for dialogue, reflection, and advocacy in pressing societal issues.

Moreover, the influence of religion in the modern age extends beyond textual interpretation to encompass social activism, humanitarian efforts, and interfaith dialogue. Religious communities harness digital platforms to mobilize support for causes rooted in compassion, justice, and ethical stewardship of the planet—a testament to the enduring relevance of religious teachings in addressing contemporary challenges.

However, amidst these advancements, questions arise about the authenticity and interpretation of religious texts in a digital age. The proliferation of diverse perspectives and interpretations online can lead to both enriching dialogue and contentious debate, challenging traditional authorities and fostering individual exploration of faith.

Ultimately, the influence of religion in the modern age transcends its textual form, resonating through the hearts and minds of individuals who navigate a complex world seeking spiritual fulfillment, ethical guidance, and communal solidarity. As technology continues to evolve, so too does the dynamic interplay between ancient wisdom and contemporary relevance, shaping the ongoing narrative of religion in our interconnected global society.

“Writing a song is like going to confession.”

— George Harrison, in I Me Mine

“Love the new”

In the contemporary landscape of love, the ethos of the new generation stands resolute against the tides of social norms. Love, in its essence, transcends the boundaries imposed by societal constructs and expectations. It is a force that remains steadfast in its ability to forge connections beyond traditional conventions, embracing diversity and individuality.

Today's generation navigates love with an unwavering commitment to authenticity and inclusivity. It defies the rigid definitions and limitations that once governed relationships, recognizing that love manifests in myriad forms and expressions. It is no longer confined by gender roles, societal expectations, or cultural norms but thrives in the freedom to explore and celebrate diversity.

Moreover, the new generation acknowledges the power dynamics and inequalities that historically influenced relationships, striving for equity and mutual respect. Love is seen as a partnership of equals, where communication, consent, and emotional intelligence guide interactions. It rejects outdated notions of possession and control, fostering relationships built on trust, empathy, and shared values.

In this era, love flourishes amidst a backdrop of evolving social landscapes and technological advancements. It navigates the complexities of digital connectivity and globalized perspectives, allowing individuals to connect across distances and cultures effortlessly. Yet, amidst these changes, the core of love remains unchanged—the profound desire for connection, understanding, and companionship.

As we traverse this modern terrain of love, let us embrace its transformative power to defy societal norms and redefine what it means to love and be loved. Let us celebrate the diversity of human experience and honor the courage of those who dare to love authentically, paving the way for a future where love knows no boundaries or constraints.

Theological Lanier Library

Theological dynamics are the ever-shifting currents that shape our understanding of the divine. They are the vibrant exchanges of ideas, beliefs, and interpretations that animate religious discourse. At their core, theological dynamics are about exploration and discovery—delving into the depths of scripture, tradition, and philosophy to unearth new insights and deeper meanings.

But they are also about dialogue and debate, where differing perspectives converge and clash, sparking intellectual fires that illuminate the paths of faith. Through these exchanges, theology evolves, not as a static doctrine but as a living, breathing conversation that adapts to the complexities of our times.

This library serves a great purpose for these studies as it contains various text and information about certain aspects of these religions, including fragments of the original texts of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

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