Free.

free.

a question I’m always asked,

is why do I choose free?

the answers not that simple,

it’s one you cannot see.

you’d think it’s cause it’s easy,

you’d think it’s cause it’s safe.

you’d think it’s cause it’s calming,

you’d think it’s just my taste.

i’ve never felt completely comfortable,

in my ranking no matter how high.

everyone says I’ve got it good,

even though I don’t try.

what most people don’t know,

is I test even myself.

a lot of those I know,

think it’s bad for my health.

i’d say I agree,

but they don’t know my story.

they don’t know the reason,

i’m in the bath every morning.

“he just loves water”

“a swimmer is all he wants to be”

i know that love it,

but is that how you see me?

i never liked emotions,

so the water drowns them out.

somehow the water understands,

that swimming’s not all I’m about.

that’s why I love racing,

cutting through the tide.

because their’s raw emotion,

in competitors I find.

i feel more like myself,

not putting in a mask.

cause the second I speak out,

all I hear are gasps.

why does it surprise you?

that I have more to say.

do you think I’m that weak?

am I really ok?

when I swim freestyle,

these questions never come.

though with every other stroke,

comes precision, tight lungs.

when I swim free,

i know where I belong.

the water actually listens,

to my dad swan song.

so when I never tell you,

the reason I swim free.

it’s not because there’s no answer,

it’s because you’ll never see.

-NJ

the relationship of tutor and fighter and why they’re not just some lust filled couple.

this shit is about to be super messy so don’t mind my shit explainations.

tutor and fighter are a gay couple from the series why r u, which is a thai bl.

their relationship consists of many intimate and erotic moments such as multiple make out sessions, a few “sex” scenes, and cute cuddling mantras. this caused many people watching the show to assume that they are the “fan service” couple, or that they’re just extremely horny and add no emotion to the show.

however, that is so utterly wrong.

let’s actually take the time to think about their dynamics and why their relationship is the way it is. once you understand, their relationship is very beautiful, but also somewhat sad at first.

firstly, let’s talk about their personalities.

tutor is a man who is often known to want to keep others happy and disregard his own feelings, he is an extremely hard worker, he’s stubborn, he’s petty, but he’s also a goofball that likes to tease people and have fun (especially while at the beach).

now fighter is a man who is stubborn, petty, loves to tease people, he’s also a goofball that loves affection, he’s pretty shy and doesn’t like sharing his feelings, but he often doesn’t let himself be happy.

their personalities are actually quite similar if you look at them. they’re two people who despite not like being pushed around, are super emotional when vulnerable. this dynamic creates the “tug-of-war” effect in their relationship.

for example; when fighter first kissed tutor because tutor was saying he liked men. tutor had figured out that fighter had been hiding his sexuality, so when he went to confront fighter about it, it put fighter in a vulnerable situation. he didn’t appreciate being put on the spot like that, so instead of reasonably settling the issue, he decided to act on impulse in kiss tutor to “prove” that he was winning their “fight”. which of course caused tutor to freak out leaving them yelling at each other because the other refused to own up to anything.

this dynamic happens during their 18+ scenes as well, but i won’t go into detail about such.

either way, this tug-of-war battle that they have going on carries out through their whole relationship. it dials down when their at peak happiness, but overall it’s still there. this dynamic causes for their emotions and actions to be a bit more impulsive and agressive. it makes their scenes more intimate and intense because there is so much emotion built up in them since they’re both stubborn at heart and refuse to open up fully to one another. (they do eventually but damn does it take forever😭)

now, that we’ve covered the personality aspect, now it’s on to the main conflict of their whole relationship.

tutor and fighter’s relationship is solely about (at least from what i picked up) them finally living for themselves instead of other people.

both men have constantly had to live for others and hardly got to make decisions for themselves. tutor had to work hard shifts and hours to pay back his father’s debt and he always tried to make sure that no one worried about him and thag they were happy (ex: hwahwa). he always disregarded his own feelings and always did things for others even if they were an inconvenience for him. while fighter was being controlled by his father for most of his life. he couldn’t decide who to date, where to work, nor how he wanted his future to be. he lived his life feeling like he had to always do what his father said and impress him rather than doing what he wanted or what made him happy.

however, when the two found each other, they finally found something worth being selfish for.

when they first started exploring their relationship, everything was done in secret. for fighter it was because he didn’t want anyone (mainly his father) to find out that he was into men because he was scared to disappoint him. while tutor, also somewhat having the feeling of getting judged, was worried about how others would feel seeing them together, like hwahwa would be upset that he’s dating her ex/love. or also that he’s feel selfish wasting time on a relationship rather than supporting his family and keeping others happy.

all the times where they made out, teased each other, etc. weren’t shown to please the audience with bl content, it was to show their longing of breaking boundaries. to show how much they craved doing what they wanted to do without the approval of others.

their relationship allowed them to break those boundaries. the day they decided to take a chance on what they had (the rooftop scene and right after that) they looked the happiest they had ever been since the beginning of the series. they were no longer holding their true selves back. they were doing something for themselves. and their trip to the beach just amplified that by 100.

their sex scene wasn’t just an 18+ scene to amp up the atmosphere of the show, it was shown to solidify that they were willing to be selfish for one another, that they were ready to say “fuck it” to those that don’t agree with their choices and to those doubts they have about if what they’re doing is right.

of course when they came back, they were still worried about what would happen, but they had decided to slowly start opening up to others about their relationship. however, all that went downhill when that photo got leaked.

at first they were still doing alright. they decided together to tell hwahwa about their relationship without trying to worry about how’d she’d react, which went well lol. but the second fighter’s dad found out, and went right back to controlling his son, all hell broke lose.

tutor curled right back up into his ball of doubt. he went back to trying to please everyone. he let fighter’s father take away his confidence and the first grasp at freedom he had. breaking up with fighter caused tutor so much pain because he once again went back to where he started rather than fighting for himself. he let his mental and physical state worsen and he eventually just lost it.

the whole time tutor had been hurting, fighter had been too, but he hadn’t lost his confidence because for the first time he was doing something that made him happy and he wasn’t going to just let it go away. when him and tutor had their fight outside, you could see fighter wanted to keep fighting for them despite not knowing what happened, but tutor couldn’t. he was tired of being selfish for himself because the second he did it all burned down. he just wanted all the pain he got from breaking his boundaries to stop and he thought going back to square one was the way to do it.

although tutor gave up, fighter never did and constantly kept trying to understand what happened to them. he wanted his happiness back. but tutor refused to tell him because he was once again trying to please the wrong people. this then leads to the trigger warning scene.

fighter had been hurting so deeply about the situation with tutor because he felt like he had did something wrong. he almost went down the same hole as tutor and was willing to change himself to get tutor back. but he never did, he continued to fight for his happiness, just in the wrong ways.

since their time at the beach was the only true happiness fighter had felt they had together, he assumed that sex was the only way to get tutor back. tutor obviously not invested at all feels hopeless because he’s thinking about the consequences that their relationship caused. he just wants things to go back to normal hence why he tried everything he can to get fighter to stop loving him and forget about him. and although it does get fighter off tutor’s back for a bit, it doesn’t stop fighter from fighting.

they have their reunion moment, and tutor lets himself be vulnerable for a bit, allowing himself to be selfish a moment even if it hurts him later because of all he’s put himself through. only to later bring himself right back. and whilst this is happening, fighter is once again fighting for himself and getting his life back by not allowing his father to control him anymore.

and when they go back to the beach, and fighter tells tutor about what he did and why he didn’t tell him about his father, tutor realizes that he should’ve fought for himself. that he, like fighter, doesn’t live to please others.

their whole relationship was based of this tripe that you need to live for yourself and not for others. so the reason why they had the amount of scenes they did was because they wouldn’t allow themselves at first to freely do as they pleased so once again, a lot of their pent up emotions were let out through actions rather than words.

they weren’t just extremely horny.

i wrote the post about them! it’s kinda messy because i just really wanted to get my thoughts out, but it’s up if you wanna read! (of course you don’t have to)

It’s been nearly two whole months and I’m still not over FighterTutor and how beautiful they were

cough/scream/dies

ok. ok. ok.

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone mention this but in season 1, Dustin says that Mike’s best friend is Lucas. Right? And Mike says, “you all are my best friends!” in response (which yes I believe and also people are totally capable of having more than one best friend, like I do, it is a thing!)

but listen, listennnnnn, and you know where I’m going with this ;_;, mike “you all are my best friends” wheeler says, “lucas, dustin, max - they’re great, they’re great… but it’s hawkins. it’s not the same without you.”

and like, I feel like, we can all somewhat agree that what mike meant, because why would he have to INCLUDE Lucas, Dustin, Max, if he wasn’t indicating this: is that they are GREAT, but they are not WILL.

Like. I’m actually crying. And like. Literally. Literally. His friendship with Will has always, always been different, and I feel like, I honestly feel like, Mike is just realizing that. Like that it is different than his other friendships, and I feel like he still doesn’t fully understand why, maybe, and/or won’t accept why, or just has repressed it so so so much, that it just is some foreign concept in the back of his head, which involves projecting onto will: “not my fault you don’t like girls,” “we’re friends. we’re friends.” because listen here kiddies, I’ve done exactly this with my friends/“unknown crushes”, when I was repressing my queerness; i literally would sit there and be like “so and so likes me, I think, and that’s why our friendship is different” rhenwunfuen like I feel like this concept is so impossible to explain to straight people, and I feel like, with mike, the reason that we see it, is because a lot of us have been in mike’s shoes, we have behaved that way, we have had that special friend that we didn’t understand why the friendship felt different for. it’s different with will. the way mike acts with will is nothing like how he acts with dustin and lucas? and lucas and dustin act the same with mike, each other, will, everyone like!! that does not happen with mike, yet he says they are all his best friends!! ugh it’s just so painfully accurate to me that like, and the fact that a lot of mainstream doesn’t see it, makes it that much more accurate because yes, they don’t see it because he is repressing and hiding!! and doing a damn good job!! because that’s what queer kids feel like they have to do. <3 anyways, mike wheeler is queer.

will bringing the painting to the airport when they were going to pick up ONLY mike was brave af cause if mike wasn’t as dense as he is he would’ve put two and two together so quickly 😭 (unless…)

majority of the times mike gets super vulnerable with will is when they’re alone or el isn’t around. it’s almost as if mike feels he can be himself when it’s just him and his best friend or just not around someone he feels like he has to be a different person for 😧