Esc-arsonist - I Just Want To See The Eurovision Stage Burn

Since I rated zitti e buoni last year it's time to look at the final performance of Stefania according to the official Winning Song Guidelines, aka the Love, Love, Peace, Peace Ranking. Let's go

Get everyone's attention

starting with the harmonies straight away 1/1

Drums! There has to be drums, +1 for gorgeous topless men and/or a grandmother

Sadly no drums or topless men or gradnmothers in sight 0/2

Using an old traditional folklore instrument, +1 for an old man, +1 if he has a beard

They had some kind of flute and plenty of beards, not all ages are clearly definable but we're gonna go with a fail on that one 2/3

A violin

Not a violin exactly but a contrabass 0.5/1

Add A DJ who pretends to scratch

No DJ but we'll give half credits for the breakdancer & rapping 0.5/1

Costumes, something that the viewers will notice

The pink hat alone nailed that one 1/1

The song is about love or peace

A mother's love and love for their home country during war times definitely works 1/1

6/10 for the technical parts so let's look at execution

Let the song beginn with passion

Enough said 1/1

Let the wind begin to flow

No wind machines on stage 0/1

Look into the TV camera

Hard to tell with the hat but there's some definite stares 1/1

Smile

No smiles this time 0/1

Fill the stage with light

Lights coming from all directions, even the floor 1/1

Dancers will join us

The dancers are there from the beginning but there's definitely dancers 1/1

Old women baking bread

No fresh bread on stage 0/1

A man in a hamster wheel

Once again not a single hamster wheel in the finale 0/1

Our hands will touch

They were almost social distancing during most of the performance 0/1

We change the key

Not the key but the rapping changes the beat 0.5/1

It begins to snow

The stage is set up like a sun without sudden snowfall 0/1

Burning fake piano

Still waiting for instruments to start catching fire again 0/2

Russian man on skates

Probably better they left this one out... 0/1

Party for everybody

The crowd was there for them 1/1

More tricks in the hamster wheel

Still no hamster wheel in sight 0/1

End result:

11.5/26

Slightly better objective score than maneskin last year but some of the essential eurovision props are once again missing. Still strong performance and definitely worthy of a winner.

Eurovision 2023 | Sweden 🇸🇪 | Loreen | Tattoo

If there won't be at least one burning instrument or other prop at eurovision this year, i'll burn down England myself.

Not you scotland, you can stay.

No burning fake pianos AND a boring winner?

most disappointing esc ever. 0/10