Begone!

Begone!

I don't know how it's possible but I'm still finding paperwork with both of our names on it. I'm cleaning out some stuff I've been putting off since moving in with my partner, and i just found one of our void cheques.

There's a story about those cheques that i don't think I've ever told, but for now just know I'm nauseous just looking at our names together.

I don't know exactly what the original post said before the angel teathattast (or a contemporary) fixed it, but I'm nauseous just thinking about it.

He was absolutely that guy.

*gag*

When he did something that profoundly upset me, he'd know, and he would force me to come to bed. Usually he'd have sex with me, and I'd lay there.

I would lay there, seething, until I knew he was asleep. Then I'd slip out of bed and go to sleep on the couch in the basement.

Only then I'd exhale. I'd message someone I wasn't supposed to. I'd stretch out and release my muscles. I'd masturbate to a fantasy in my head that didn't include him. I would feel safe knowing I'd hear the floorboards creek if he got up.

It was a false sense of security, but it was a breath that kept me from drowning.

He's getting married to someone I am about 3 or 4 degrees of separation from (depending on your definition).

It's not a full spiral, but there's definitely some things I need to talk to my therapist about. Some emotions that ranged from mild and controlled to shameful.

But generally, I think I'm doing ok. I'm currently eating my feelings at nearly 3am, but I've had worse nights.

This is roughly where I i started approx 7 years ago.

When I feel bad about regression, i try to look at the bigger picture.

A special kind of heartbreak - the one who hurt me for years began seeing someone else. It makes me feel so flawed that I’m not even suited to be a punching bag.