If I Was Still With Him During The Pandemic And Lockdown I Am Sure He Would Have Murdered Me By Now.

If I was still with him during the pandemic and lockdown I am sure he would have murdered me by now.

For anyone who needs to hear it, no, you don't deserve to be lit on fire, die in misery, be punched in the face, spit on, called a fucking loser, lowlife, lazy cunt, be raped by anyone or drowned in the sink because you didn't finish the laundry.

It seems I need to remind myself too.

I have left a load of clothes in the washer for some days. I didn't forget, I'm just struggling with laundry head wise right now as I'm trying to sort and get rid of things.

If I were in the same situation while with him, he would scream and berrate me, which would put me back into action and the laundry would be in the dryer and hung.

I can tell that I have not yet completed the healing process, because I asked myself if maybe that's what I need.

i would have learned, you know. i know violence teaches, and it teaches well. but i would have learned without it.

I have left a load of clothes in the washer for some days. I didn't forget, I'm just struggling with laundry head wise right now as I'm trying to sort and get rid of things.

If I were in the same situation while with him, he would scream and berrate me, which would put me back into action and the laundry would be in the dryer and hung.

I can tell that I have not yet completed the healing process, because I asked myself if maybe that's what I need.

For those of you still stuck in an impossible situation, I promise you can also have a quiet little life. Amd you deserve it.

A life where you won't find yourself involuntarily holding your breath when they come into a room. A life where you don't have to question what you remember or what you think. A life where people make you feel comfortable and confident in who you are.

There is a life out there that doesn't include them. I hope that soon you'll believe that, even with its challenges, that life will be beautiful and so much better than the hell you're living now.

I hope that for all of you.

She's upstairs baking while I'm in the basement wrapping presents. I keep laughing as I'm scrambling to hide her gifts every time she comes down to make me do 'quality control."

Four years ago I couldn't even imagine a life this peaceful.

Bringing this one back. I've been reading some irritating things. Fellow survivors, I'm afraid some of you may need to take notes too.

Here’s an idea:

(Sorry friends, this is an angry one)

Maybe you should fuck off trying to tell survivors how they should feel about their abusers.  Here’s a few reasons why: 

1. You don’t know shit about us or our stories.  

2. Your experience does not in any way dictate or predict the experiences of others.

3. Many survivors have been taught not to trust themselves. You are contributing to this problem with condescending advice that contradicts our instincts and mental health needs.

4.  The way we feel can change throughout the grieving/healing/recovery process. It’s confusing enough on its own; we don’t need your uninformed opinion further muddying the waters. We need to work this out.

5. Some of us can only move forward through forgiveness and reconciliation.  Some of us can only forge ahead fueled by our rage and hate.  Some of us fall somewhere in the middle.  These are all acceptable and reasonable.

6. Only we can decide what is best for us.  You do not know what is best for us.