#1 On The List

#1 on the list

At this very moment one year ago, I was in labour.

On the evening of November 8 -9, 2016 he came in me without my permission. In his defense I believe it was an accident. I had, at that time, miscalculated my cycle, and thought I was not in a red zone. I was incorrect. Weeks later I felt a flutter, did the usual stuff to confirm, and found out for sure. Pregnant.

I already had the appointment booked when I told him; most of me knew this was the right decision, but a little part of me hoped he’d try to talk me out of it. In retrospect it was absolutely the right decision for several reasons and if I hadn’t had that appointment booked when I told him, I’m confident he would have punched me in the stomach.

He didn’t talk me out of it, and it was made clear to me that this was something I had to handle alone.  He came to the hospital with me for the preliminary appointment and thought he had done me a great service. He advised that I was not welcome at his (once our) home despite the fact that he had put me in the predicament. If I wanted him to join me, I would have to pay for a hotel.  As I was spending every dime I had at the time on him - feeding him, clothing him, entertaining him, I had my cards maxed and couldn’t afford it.  He was very charitable with his next option - he’d go to sleep, but he’d unblock me so I could call him and keep his phone on.

So I did it alone.

What I endured was a trauma I may never get over. Some women have unpleasant period sensations.  I went through 16 hours of labour mixed with a bad reaction to the medication.  Vomit, diarrhea, sweating, chills, shakes and delirium, all alone in my parents basement, trying to be quiet to not wake them in the very early morning of Christmas Eve.

I have plenty of terrible options to choose from, but this was hands down, the absolute worst, horrible thing that has ever happened to me. 

And he made me do it alone.  What kind of man would abandon a woman like that?

This was the first time the veil got pulled back for me and I saw a glimpse of clarity through the fog.  This was the first time I thought about my life critically in years. I thought about what I wanted in life and what I needed to get there.  I felt strong - such an unusual feeling - like I could endure anything.

And then I thought about what I didn’t want to endure anymore, and what I no longer needed in my life.  A whole bunch of uncomfortable questions emerged.

This was the first step back.

Everything I do is not wrong.

This is all affecting my ability to perform at work.

My breath. He used to tell me it smelled bad purely for the satisfaction of knowing that it made me feel uncomfortable. He'd say it right after I brushed my teeth to make me feel as though my rotten insides couldn't be masked. I'm certain he'd give himself points if he could do it when we were in public.

Full disclosure.

I cheated. Yes, I'm one of those horrible people.

And not just once. It was systematic. It spanned years, and with multiple people. I was trying to heal myself, give myself a moment of reprieve, find that light heartedness that makes life manageable.

What it actually did was cause further destruction to my self worth. And I handed him a weapon and an excuse that he used to torture me further for another two years.

My actions are inexcusable. I have no one to blame for them but myself. I have been wrought at the idea that I have inflicted pain. It is done and cannot be undone. I can only be better moving forward.

Contrast

I knew what was best for all involved when I found out, but a part of me wanted it to be different. 

He lost his mind. He. Lost. His. Mind. I mean, falling to the floor wailing and flailing.  It lasted nearly an hour.

Then he proceeded to bully me.  He told me that he and his mother would fight me for custody so they could put it up for adoption.  That I would be the unfittest of mothers - that I was so fucked up that he would call Children’s Aid to take them away. This was all after he was aware that I had an appointment.  He was just ensuring that I went to it, I suppose.

He didn’t understand my reaction when he told me some weeks later about his friend’s handling of his girlfriend’s unexpected pregnancy.  She was upset as money was tight and they weren’t in a great place for it at the time. Her partner’s reaction?  

“Babe, don’t worry.  We’ll handle it together;  we’ll make it work”