Uninstalled. Not Ready.

Uninstalled. Not ready.

I’ve just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Humiliation in parts:  Part Four

So in my early thirties I came out as Pan - this does best describe my attractions.  However owing to several things I can say with certainty that I will never be with a cishet man ever again.

This has posed a bit of a dilemma for me as I have very very limited experience with women or (lets speak plainly here under the cut - tw named body parts and vague reference to sex act.  Not tagging)

  with vulvas.  Most of us want to be ‘good’ and to please our partners;  I’m extremely concerned with my lack of experience, because I would be devastated if I left my person unsatisfied.

I’ve had this discussion with people and I kind of feel fluffed off - “Just do what you like!” they say.

Ha ha ha.  About that.

I was with him since I was 18.  I had a significant amount of experience prior to that - but it was never focused on me, and lots of it was straight up horrible/traumatic.  The rest was, well... not exactly satisfying. 

What I’m trying to say is, because he did it so infrequently and I had very little quality experience prior to him (and with him), I don’t actually know what I like.  Which is humiliating on its own as an Adult(TM).

Another layer to that humiliation is wondering IF I like it.

I hated it with him:  Try lying on your back with your legs open for someone who isn’t really “into this” and stressing about if you’d shaved sufficiently, when the last time you checked for razor bumps and moisturized, what he’s going to say about how you smell, not to mention worrying that you’ve forgotten something on the grocery list and he might flip shit again and choke you out when he realizes you’ll have to go back to the store.  Don’t actually try it; just note it’s not exactly recipe for enjoyment.

I don’t know if I like oral.  Because of that I don’t know how to give oral. I also don’t know if I’m going to be able to try either without having embarrassing and debilitating flashbacks or panic attacks. 

He is just the gift that keeps on giving.

Just a cute little diddy that doesn’t speak to me at all.

/sarcasm

To be fair, she opened the door for this conversation...

I'm currently calling out that woman I was doing a thing with in May for hurting me.

Who the fuck am I and what have I done with me?!

This is a boring post. You've been warned.

I think I've decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.

I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I'm looking forward to it .

I just.... Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I'm trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good 'us.'

Let's be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can't maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.

We didn't even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing'. We were leagues away from that. I don't know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I'm feeling weird about it.

Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ' must have' qualities is progress enough for tonight.

It's difficult for me to discern if this anxiety and social panic was a part of me prior to and exacerbated by him, or if this is purely a symptom of him.

Having met him as a teenager I really can't tell what problems were mine to begin with and what he caused.

He has been too much a part of the creation of me.

Tossed out a group invite, included the woman I’m into right now. It’s been 6 minutes and no one’s responded ( or read the message).

My brain is telling me it’s because they hate me and are rolling their eyes at the message preview.