More On The Ex

More on the Ex

He kept her around, I am certain, because she worshiped him.  He told me that she had a tatoo with his name hidden inside.  I have no idea if this is true or not.  

I the early stages, his connection with her made me outrageously jealous.  He told me intimate and DETAILED accounts of their sex life, even when I told him I didn’t want to know that much.  He said he told me to provide “full disclosure;” this is absolute nonsense. For example, I have no idea why knowing that they had sex in a public restroom at a concert would be a need to know thing.

As I became more and more dead inside, I reacted less to him talking about her. I stopped caring if he’d stepped out; in truth I stopped caring about pretty much everything.  So he brought her up less and less.  Clearly he enjoyed my discomfort and moved on when this no longer achieved the desired effect. 

In the last year, while I was still allowing him to torture me, she started seriously dating someone else.  This man set the boundary that he wasn't comfortable with her and my ex still being in close contact. 

He was furious. He told her he was done with her, as he’d endured years of “bullshit” from me to maintain their friendship and she was now just throwing it away for a guy.  

My ex surmised this to be the result of abusive jealousy on the new guy’s part, and I suppose that could be true.  However my guess is he’s aware of their history doesn’t want it in their life.  Not a bad call, from someone who knows.  

Through a little bit of investigation, I suspect that he has been more active on her social media - liking her pics and such. This is hard for me to say concretely as I have him blocked, but evidence does suggest it.

Seems he lost two of us around the same time. And he’s losing it.

Pity.

This is really humiliating.

And slightly disgusting.

I have a hang up with seeing people on the toilet and vice versa. I know it’s not common for someone to really like that, but often couples or close friends sort of ‘get over it’ and do it if the situation demands.  

I can’t.  It makes my skin crawl.  Multiply it by 1000 if they are pooping.

He took every possible opportunity to force me to come in to the bathroom while he was taking a dump.  Be it he was out of tp or he just wanted to tell me something.  

He walked in on me a handful of times. I felt vulnerable and powerless most of the time, but never so much as those moments.

He knew this.  He knew I hated it so much.  He knew it would drive me to drink and that it actually made me cry once.   Even now I’m having to break to pace the floor.  But he thought it was funny.  He also liked that I’d have to smell his shit.

I am so angry.

This is far too positive for how I'm feeling today but I like it anyway.

Flashback

He tried to push me out of his car while driving 80 km an hour.

He was cruel and I was crying. I had put my face out the window into the night air to try to stop crying and feel better.

In one smooth motion he undid my seatbelt and grabbed my door handle.

Had I not shifted suddenly at his abrupt undoing of my seatbelt his hand may never have slipped off the door handle preventing it from opening properly.

My crime? Someone might have seen me.

Tragedy

There is a news report about a motorcyclist who ran into a pole and passed away last night. The police are not yet releasing the name of the victim.

It happened in an area he frequently rode, and I am worried it is him.

Let me tell you a secret: I don't want him to die. Moreover, I actually hope he finds some sort of redemption (far, far away from me).

That future ceases to be a possibility if he is dead.

I saw him ride by on his bike just now as I was out for a walk. I am confident he didn't see me.

There was a woman on the back.

Rage surged. Not because there's a girl, but because she's wearing my helmet.