PSA - I Don't Know Why I Am Surprised I Have To Say This.

PSA - I don't know why I am surprised I have to say this.

If you are here getting your jollies to my trauma, you are on the wrong blog. This is not a power dynamic kink or an excercise in sub/dom. This is not sexy, and if you are in any way aroused by anything I'm writing you are not welcome here.

I try not to yuck people's yums, but i have absolutely no respect for nonconsensual or exploitative use of my experiences. Particularly some of the shittiest moments of my life.

Clear off, creeps.

I don't really have any combative training experience, but it it strikes me as irresponsible to be grabbing your students by the throat in the first 15 minutes of your first class.

You're teaching self defense. To women. Does it not seem likely you'll have some trauma survivors?

Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.

Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.

He left me a voicemail telling me he'd forgiven me and he'd like to give me my things back as a sign of good faith. That was enough to shake me up a bit, but, of course, he always pulls through to set me straighf again. Not even 24 hours later.

If I ever say something like this ^ again, link me to this:

I am ashamed that i am inches away from contacting him today.

I bought a lipstick today.  He got angry when I spent money on things that weren’t “essential”, so I felt naughty. 

Reality has set in:  How messed up is it that a $6.00 lipstick is a victory?

He’s calling again.

My trainer, who I should probably just refer to as my friend, asked me during our last session what it would take for me to get police involvement.

She made me set a boundary.  So here it is, and you can all call me on it:

If he shows up somewhere I’m at again and I have even a hint that it’s anything other than a wild coincidence, I’ll be pursuing a restraining order through the family court system.

It’ll be 16 weeks no contact on Wednesday.

Have you ever been to a women's shelter?

You buzz, and you identify yourself before you enter. They have video footage of you and they take pics. If they've misspelled your last name it is a hassle to proceed. If they let you proceed at all.

They'll buzz you in only 5 minutes before you're scheduled. Otherwise there may not be someone to " keep an eye" on you. The leave you outside to be victim to whateved creep is stalking the place that day. Or whatever mother nature has in store.

There's passcodes and two sets of impenetrable doors. There is bulletproof glass at the reception desk. There are hardly any windows and none of them open.

It is stale and stagnant and stinks of misery.

It took me 20 minutes to secure a glass of water since they had to find "an escort". The chairs are stiff. There is an air of everything being just " functional"

It's not welcoming. It has no intention of being so. It's a prison. You're there because of decisions you made.

We leave one to enter another.