I Have So Much To Say But No Way To Say It.

i have so much to say but no way to say it.

Yesterday I went outside, for the first time in a while. It felt different. Everything feels different now. Somewhere between good and bad. Not too much of either. The trees seemed taller, the buildings duller, the cars louder than they were, two years ago. Two years. It's been two years I think. Two years of everything and everyone changing, but I've stayed the same. I probably haven't. I've probably changed to a great extent too. Maybe I haven't changed at all. Maybe I've changed so much that I didn't even notice. A lot of things have gone unnoticed by me lately, and that seems to be the only thing I've noticed. Days go by all the same. The same routine, or lack thereof. Days turn into weeks, into months and when the year ends I somehow always look back and think ' I've changed so much' but then the new year begins and i realize I haven't changed at all. What is change anyway? And why do i constantly seem to yearn for it? Does it make me feel alive? Or is it to prove to people that i'm growing as a person, that im more sure of myself than i was three months ago. I'll never know. Because i've changed so much by not changing at all.

and when you leave, i'll still be here

i wish boys found me pretty the way girls find me pretty

i want to go back to sleeping the whole entire day because i lost so much weight when i did

i want to bleed

I want to bleed till I can't anymore

I want to swim, to float, to die in my own blood

I want to drown in it,

to fade into it and become a part of the blood that was once a part of me

I want to see red

in every way possible

I want to bleed until the red in my eyes covers my whole being

till the world is red

and I'm the only one who exists

the sky will be red

the walls will be red

and once all this is done

I'll take one last breath

and I won't bleed anymore