I Wasn't Actually In Love, But I Felt A Sort Of Tender Curiosity.

I wasn't actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.

- The Great Gatsby.

why we climb

—

they spoke often

of earning wings

and it brings

me to broken tears

I’ve thrown so much of myself into rainy weather

seeding, growing vines of contour feathers

It’s the heavy heart I fight.

And I can’t seem to take flight.

But when a new place calls,

all I need is a ride

maybe

I was meant to glide

.•.peako green•.•

I'm reading with my sister

A book about a boy almost

As good as the brother we

Both used to have & I know

I am only a pale placeholder

An eyelash in the blink of loss

But we paint the pain with

Love grown thick—

We know the agony of a

Phantom limb waving

Beyond the stars, a

Canopy flutters

Windward the kite swirls indefinitely.

The thread stings my palm like a new cut.

And I let go off it.

石獅

I’ll come back

As the stone lions that guard the temple.

Reach your hand into my mouth

-If you dare-

For luck…

For I was carved with a bone to pick,

Whittled inside my cheek to check

The pluck

Of man.

Fortune favors the braver the pleader

And I am brave by far…

I know where those hands

Have been.

_____________________________

Maureen Armstrong @haikkun

Solivagant

My mind keeps running back to it, no matter how much I distract myself, the thought never leaves me alone, like it's embedded in my brain, isolating itself pushing away any rational thoughts that try to erase it. Centralizing thoughts was never my thing but never once did an idea dawn me to this extent. It seemed like a age old rule tempting me to break it. My conscious running on the commands of it may be for the best. The idea of suicide creeped inside of me three weeks ago. A pleasant day without any banter, peace coursing through the house but settling with heavy grief as I knotted my black tie around my neck, Nahyun had left a message about his grandmother's death and as his friend I needed to be by his side. I was though a little worried about his lack of grief towards the news of death, his grandmother was always the brightest light in his well lit life.

The atmosphere in the venue reflected Nahyun's feelings and response. I tried, tried my best to coax him into showing his emotions, letting out the raw frustration he was masking behind the straight and pale face but when he answered saying, 'I think everything is fine now, she doesn't have to deal with any more pain. Sometimes death is the solution', I believed him.

Maybe it isn't that bad of an idea if I can't get it out of my head, I mean what more pain can a person suffer after death? No one knows what lies beyond but one does know what's going on now and it's better to seek solace in trying to find an end to the ongoing misery. If Nahyun's grandmother is in a better place, so will I.

Though rather, hers wasn't a decision, but an expected yet unwilling turn of page to where she needed to leave the book behind. It's for the good.

______

But throwing away everything just to get rid of pain..? Is it worth for all I've lived?

Every question was blurred by the previous decision, I mean what choice do I have left, living amongst those who judge me for my preferences, abandonment throughout life, Scrunching nose with look of disgust when they ask me about myself and the hauntings of failures and heartbreaks.

Now, four weeks later here I am, a bottle of pills clutched in my left palm and the right hand resting on the edge of the bathtub, the silent room filled with loud clattering of my teeth. This is it. I didn't care with the goodbyes, didn't wanna be distracted with hollow words of hope.

Assumptions and accusations will be made but I won't be part of it, just the reason for it. They'll have me locked up one last time in their worries.

This is for the best. This- has to be for the best. But.. I'll be gone, forever. I'm scared but I have to do this, I'm useless.

.

(A/: I was currently working on this, so decided to post. Please show some love)