New Doctor, New Meds

New Doctor, New Meds

  So, I've been off of all medicine for about 6 months now, and it's obvious that I need help. Last Tuesday I saw a new sleep doctor - I actually feel comfortable with him. He put me on Imipramine, and we're going slowly.

 By midnight of the first night I took it, I could tell a difference. My naps in the middle of the day are practically cut in half, and I feel a lot more comfortable driving when the sun's out, too. My cataplexy still makes me weak in the morning, but it helps me not collapse, and I was even able to move the table for D&D Friday! It's been lasting longer and longer, so I have hope that next Friday I won't have to swamp my system with too much caffeine in order to get home, and then stay up all night. Asside from sleep attacks, I've also felt like I have something like energy, and more or less alert during the day. Best part of all: The demons (Those damned hallucinations caused by dreaming while I'm still awake) have been leaving me alone. 

As far as side effects - I twitch more, especially when I'm trying to sleep. It's annoying, but I'm starting to get used to it. I also tend to have something of a tremor when the cataplexy would otherwise be knocking me down. My apitite is slightly lestened, but not because of nausea. It feels like I'm just eating healthier - yum yum spinach, ick ick bread products!

Next Tuesday I'm scheduled to increase the dose - here's hoping that this one's sustainable and that it won't stress out my system like the other medicines did!

Demon Identification

Ok, so, I'm a little nervous about sharing this, but since I can remember, my Hypnagogic and Hypnopompic hallucinations (The dreams that I have when I'm waking up or going to sleep, where I still feel awake but my mind decides that it just wants to start dreaming. It's usually accompanied by sleep paralysis.) have always been images of demons, of one type or another. To my knowledge, only one other person that I know has ever seen these demons. I'd love to know if anyone else sees what I will describe presently, or if I'm just weird. 

So, first, the shadow men. I've actually heard people describe these creatures before, and they may have played a part in the Salem witch trials. Even people without narcolepsy or anything else "wrong" with them may see these once in their life while dreaming, so I'm not necessarily concerned about them. They appear as dense places of darkness in the room, leaning over the bed, in the shape of a person. I usually don't sense malice from them, they're just creepy, like peeping toms or something. For me, that's all they do - watch me.

Next, and I've only ever seen one, are the Yetti's. I was on the treadmill in the basement one night, looked up at the sliding glass door, and this white yetti with a blue face was standing at the door like he wanted to be let in. At first I thought it was a person outside, but it wasn't physical like a human, and didn't move like a person would. Freaked out, I stopped exercising and retreated back upstairs, and didn't run the treadmill at night from then on. Like I said, I only saw this once - if anyone has any more information on these, please let me know. Might not even be a "demon," but what do I know about the spiritual realm?

Next are the Imps. There's a Yu-gi-Oh card that has almost an exact picture of these things, but the colors are different. They invariably try to choke me. Every time, either from behind or from some other angle. Not that scary, or hard to bat away - just move into a more lighted area, change the topic of conversation, and you're good. 

Now we're getting into the scarier ones, the ones that really freak me out. There's this sensory image that I get sometimes, with or without the demons. It's a super-imposed image - on one hand you have the purest surface that you can imagine. You know that this surface, if you could touch it, would be the smoothest and softest thing you've ever touched. On the other hand, you have rotting, burnt, decaying, wounded flesh - the most corrupted thing you've ever seen. These images are super-imposed, like a double exposed photo. The demons that I'm about to describe are made of this... double-exposed image. 

These Demons are humanoid,  but may have double or backwards jointed arms and legs. Some have large "smiles," like someone removed the skin from someone's face, and sharp teeth. Some have claws, others don't. There was a time when I was in highschool that a demon dog, made of this stuff, was following me - I actually heard it bark at sunset one day. When in highschool, these demons would bang on the windows and mirrors, trying to get into the room. I finally had enough, at one point, and shut off my emotions (long story, that one, having to do with getting away from my abusive father.) and I couldn't see the demons all through college. However, last October, when I overdosed because my doctor was an ass, these demons came back and infiltrated my house. They've been harassing me ever since, so much so that the week before going on my new medication I woke up from an actually pleasant dream to find one grabbing hold of my ankle. They've never been able to touch me before, and my leg felt weird for the rest of the day after that. (I know it was in my head, but still!)

I'll talk about my defenses against these demons later - for now I'm realizing just how scared I am. For a very long time, I've felt like there was a reason why I see these things with my mind's eye - they're not physical in the least, but the bible talks about angels and demons fighting a war that we can't see. Is it possible that I'm sensitive to that spiritual realm? That there's some element of "reality" to these images? Or is this just the imbalance of chemicals floating around my head, nothing more? I know what my doctor would say, but my psychologist agrees that there may be something more to it. That I might be "sensitive" to this other realm. I know it's not real, it's not physical, but... I just don't have enough data. Let me know what ya'll experience, know, and can discern! Science is about explaining the unexplainable, so... Yeah.

We've all been there. 

Fighting narcolepsy, one day at a time.

Oak

Drowsy, half awake, half asleep, stuck between time and existance, I become aware. The wind, it’s new, a fresh breeze, ushering in warmer days. It tickles through my bare branches, causing me to sway and bend. The breeze turns into a gust, and the mystery of my stance plays out once more. How do my branches remain thrust in the sky, how do they not fall from the air like the discarded leaves at summer’s end? My trunk bears the full weight, my roots anchor me, a symmetry made of asymmetry. The wind will gust, blow, and roil against me, but it will not topple my being. Cold it remains in those branches; my consciousness retreats to my core, my roots. Warmer are they, embedded in the earth. They stretch, grow, twirl and extend each spring, attaching me firmer and deeper to the mud below. I anchor the earth while the earth anchors me. The sun is warm on my bark, but still not warm enough. I allow myself to remain sleeping - soon. Soon it will be time to burst forth with new growth, and already some changes are taking place. But not yet.

Everything in it’s own time. Patience… Decades remain to my life, there is no need to rush.