I Think Yesterday Was The Worst So Far. Emotionally.

I think yesterday was the worst so far. Emotionally. 

Seealpsee, Germany [OC] [2537x3171] - nico_shoot - EarthPorn

Insect wings, 1840-1860

William Henry Fox Talbot :: Photomicrograph of insect wings, as seen in a solar microscope. | src National Science and Media Museum

Welp Florida ordered a stay at home order I’m going to go fucking insane 

Gonna bring my tattoo equipment home with me. 

Sometimes I feel like I have anger issues.  I don’t know if this derives from my father, or if it’s a learned trait

from again, 

my father. 

I was raised being yelled at. I didn’t handle it well. And my mother always said not to let it get to me. But it takes two to tangle. You cannot dismiss the one who is causing the reaction. And I think in some cases it is best to let go, but when you’re raised with such a pattern of verbal, I don’t want to say abuse, but quite literally a short tempered fuse. And anything would set it off. Me spilling my oatmeal, not having the dishes done before he got home, not doing chores. Sometimes just because he had a bad day at work. 

The thing is, I know my father regrets the way he spoke to us. He adapted the behavior from his father. And him from his father. My grandpa would yell so much more. Over nothing. I’d see him yell at my grandma over nothing, and scatter to apologizing and saying how pretty she was and buying her things. Which is essentially what my dad did. Buy things as an apology when there was nothing to blow up over to begin with. 

I just get so angry sometimes. I don’t know if it’s nature vs nurture or if it’s a combo. I’ve never talked to a therapist about this. Maybe once but he probably dismissed it as a ‘preteen not wanting to be told what to do’ thing. 

I just let my anger and hurt ruin whole days sometimes. Sometimes it falls into the next day. I don’t like moping, and hearing you say you don’t mope almost made me feel like I should feel bad about moping when I do.

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I just don’t feel like the situation was read right yesterday at all.  I drove 3.5 hours to come home to you, and I know quarantine has made us stir crazy, but when you’re down, I stick with you. When I’m down, you usually stick with me. But last night fucking sucked. Because after I got home, and ate and napped, I came upstairs expecting my space/studio/private area would be open but you and T put a big ass mattress in the area to air out and I wasn’t aware of this. I drove all the way home from my family because I thought I was going to have that space to do art. The one thing keeping me sane. 

I went downstairs to process it since I was thrown off. I felt violated as silly as it sounds, but that’s MY SPACE. My hideaway. It makes you feel like you can’t have a place to calm down. So I’m siting downstairs and I respond to a message from a friend that I don’t want to play tennis because I don’t feel well and I’m just upset about the whole thing still. Shortly after you come into the room and ask if I want to play tennis because my friend’s bf asked you. 

Instead of asking what I want to do, you say, do you mind if you go anyways. And I get it, you’re bored and all but you clearly did not read how I was feeling. I was down ever since I left my family. I could’ve stayed longer if I had known you were just going to leave. Also, when I initially came upstairs to discover my room had been violated, you asked if I wanted to hang, and I did but I saw you were doing work stuff on your computer. So I said I don’t want to interrupt your work. I never said I didn’t want to hangout. And that’s what you took it as. 

So I got angry when you asked if you could just go because you’ve never just up and left to hang with a group of people I introduced you to. I would’ve probably gone but it felt like you just picked friends over me and it fucking stung. I cried for nearly 2 hours. 

It sucked. and I wish everything had been read differently but I was so agitated about the room that I needed a moment and you immediately got up and went to hang with them and broke in the new rackets we had just gotten when you knew how excited I was to break them in too. 

I just feel like, I was definitely wrong in how I said ‘fine’ to you hanging with them, but you always get defensive. Because you never yell, you can never be wrong. You get cold and distant when you don’t know how to respond to me. 

I am visibly sad and you don’t know hoe to deal with it. I need to work on how upset I get but I was hurting way more yesterday than any day recently. So it sucked. And I’m still hurting today. I’ve let things go but I ache. 

I feel like I’ve been depressed and I constantly weigh the pros and cons of getting back on antidepressants. It helped my social anxiety in the past and maybe I need that now because I like having a group of friends I finally feel like aren’t mainly your friends, and I don’t want that to be taken from me. 

I’m so anxious all the time. Differently than how I’ve been in the past. 

I can get through this but I just want to feel like you’re on my side. I know you are. But your actions hurt sometimes. And I know mine do too, because it’s probably like what my father did to me. 

When you are making a success of something, it’s not work. It’s a way of life. You enjoy yourself because you are making your contribution to the world. - Andy Granatelli