Its Really Hard Living With Disability And Surviving The Cruel Regime Of The United States. Im Tired

It’s really hard living with disability and surviving the cruel regime of the United States. I’m tired of resting. I’m tired of being an ambulatory cane user who’s looking into wheelchairs just to reclaim a better fidelity for mobility. I’m tired of having to grieve alone what COVID-19 took from me for three years now.

I was scared. I was alone in isolation. There were no ambulances or hospital beds. I reached a critical point of multi day high fever and drowning in my lung fluid that I was ready to die. I reached a point where my body gave it all and the lights faded out. I was scared to survive. I still feel this.

I hope these days spent resting will mean something, for I am not sure or optimistic. For now, I am scared and I am tired.

I am not broken. I have been wounded.

I am not damaged. I have been hurt.

I am not useless. I am making the best of my limited capacity.

I am not lazy. I need rest to heal.

I am not unreliable. I live an unpredictable life.

I am not irresponsible. I am relearning how to function.

🥰😋🤤

🌈🏳️‍⚧️🖤

Knowing that trans women of color started the movement in the united states and were literally immediately erased and excluded from what they started is the most deeply jading knowledge.

It is the original sin of the so-called queer community and it damns it from the cradle.

Lovemaking is beautiful. To be kissed like this is just makes me want to be your goodest boy ever 🥺👉👈💖✨

This is such a great reminder for those of us who pursue our creativity. All along the way, there are ups and downs emotionally, peaks and valleys productively, and moments in between where you feel alignment and off track.

As George Harrison once sang in his posthumously released album, “Brainwashed:” “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.”

Creativity and ingenuity is innate to us, even in this capitalist hellhole, they’ll be around long after this paradigm of human history.

Reminders for the Anxious/Depressed Creatives

You’re more than what you make.

Your productivity does not determine your value.

It’s okay to do nothing sometimes.

Not everything you do has to result in a product.

Not everything you make has to be important, significant, or even good.

You can make things just for yourself.

You can keep secrets for yourself, whether it’s not posting some of your projects or not sharing your techniques.

You’re allowed to say no.

You’re allowed to rest.

I’m learning this over time. The queer experience is dominant society punishing people like us the burden for simply existing. Do these people ever think that anybody asks to be born? Are we so abhorrent that we’re destined to die, yet we are needed to be alive to be their demonized scapegoat too? That’s the inconsistency of hate: it is learned, perpetuated, and it is illogical and incoherent by its very nature.

Like American comedian, George Carlin, said once in his “Jammin’ from New York” 1992 special, spoke: “If you’re pre-born, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re fucked.”

We deserve better and owed better than what was going on in 1992.

Some days will be harder than others when you are sick. Don't be ashamed of asking for help, for accommodations, or canceling plans and staying in bed. Only you know what your body and mind are going through and you should listen to your needs instead of sacrificing them to make others feel more comfortable. Your illness doesn't make you a burden and you should stay away from people who treat like one. You should be loved for who you are, accepted completely as the complex human being you are. You are more than your illness, but remember to validate it and set boundaries with yourself and others regarding what your body needs so you can be healthy on the long run.