I Feel So Useless. I Have Done Literally Nothing Today, Just Lay In Bed And Feel Sorry For Myself. I

I feel so useless. I have done literally nothing today, just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. I know my arm needs to rest but I can't take another day of this. I'm going to do my back first thing in the morning. I just took my rest day in a weird place.

I cant talk to anyone abòut this so im dumping it here.

My beloved and i got back into kink. We hadnt done any thing for 2 years and he only had 2 sessions under his belt before that.

We played. Session one fine fun even. Session two he brings out the belt and i love it. Session three was yesterday. More belt. Very fun. This afternoon my ass starts to hurt.

It's not too bad but a straight wooden chair is too painful. I sit on a pillow for 2 hours playing WoW. I can no longer comfortably lay on my back. Beloved went to put more lotion on. Bruises. Big ones.

I said i wanted bruises one day. I didnt mean now. Serves me right. I guess i expected him to somehow magically have perfect control of his tools. We have retired the belt until i have a higher pain tolerance and he has better control

This will never not be funny to me.

I am trans and anorexic and those two entities play on each other so well. I'm half convinced my hatred of my own body is what drove me to starve in the first place.

There are 2 very distinct feelings for "I hate my chest for being feminine" and "I hate my chest for being two literal lumps of fat". And they can happen at the same time.

A fun thing about being both trans and on the autism spectrum is that sometimes I can't tell WHY I have discomfort with my body, because it could easily be either or even both.

Like, my legs. Do I dislike having hairy legs because it's a masculine-coded thing, and it's giving me gender dysphoria? Or is it a texture thing, and I just hate the feeling of skin touching skin, which is 10 times worse when it's hairy skin?

(I'm pretty sure the answer is "both")

Tumblr was a source of fuel for my anorexia. It's easy to compare and put myself down. Coming back now that I feel more firm in my recovery, well I think it might have been a mistake.

I want to go back to the tags that hurt me back when I suffered. I want to go and see the spo that lies there. I want to get triggered again. And I am. I've been going to these tags and I can feel the rock solid control I had start to slip.

The worst part is that I know those people don't mean any harm. I was there. I only wanted to find a home in a world that denied me one.

I'm back now and I refuse to go back to those tags. I want to help people now, not harm them.