It's 6 In The Morning And I Haven't Slept

It's 6 in the morning and I haven't slept

I feel weird, I want to cry, but I can't without feeling like an actor. So I drew myself crying. Narcissistic. I don't know, I'm depressed but I guess I'm not "sad". I will probably go to sleep after posting this, but I'm not necessarily tired. I fell in love again with someone after finding them. I know them a little better now but not really. But then I realized it will never be, not when I'm like this, when I couldn't be myself, not with them, not when I don't even know myself good enough. I failed with them, and failed with them, and I failed at even being their friend, and I'd probably just fail again, at least as I am now. Just as I have before and before and before.

I feel like I've lost my footing and I'm plummeting through a widening hole, but there is no bottom. No end, it's only just begun, there is no up or down anymore. I will find myself in the same cycle again after I wake up tomorrow, all of my apathy will be gone and I will be emotional again. The floor will surface as I wake. the redness will return to my cheeks, and I will be self-conscious about the opinions of the people that I want in my life. And I will wonder if they want me, and if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, since I cannot fathom what they want, what they feel. I thought I knew before, but I can't tell anymore, and I realize the question: "what did I want?" and then "what do I want?"

I smile and realize, I'm human, what else could I want, you all know, as do I.

I'm ranting since that's the only way I know how to talk, otherwise I'd keep quiet. I care what she thinks, even though we aren't that close, like a sheep gazing over at a gazelle. I'll never know her world, or her thoughts. Who knows if she'll tell me, or if she thinks of mine, wonders if mine is like hers. I catch her gaze, and I smile, but it isn't returned, and I remember. I don't belong. I never have.

An art trade with Zi-prince couldn't have gone any better, well maybe if I got mine done in a more timely fashion. Ah well, Yousuke from Persona 4 as Arsenal from DC fame! I enjoyed this, so much.

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD?

I meditate and stuff, let me tell ya. It does wonders for the back.

From a great art trade I did a couple days ago. My style is really starting to come into itself. I used to hate coloring, but now! Celtic spirit selves! Yeah!

WHY - (2013)

--_--_--_--_--_--

Will my ghost be searching

for that other one

Have I no hope

Shall I not try

Now is not the time

But when?

When I am so alone

It seems to be forever

Forever away

forever I shall never have

With all needs met

except for one

My hands will always be this cold?