XX - JUDGMENT

XX - JUDGMENT

A little sketch of my Tav as Lord Astarion's bride.

:( He wanted cuddles.

I know many would disagree, but.

I really think we need more media that go against the pervasive narrative that what happens in abusive relationships is never love or at least any form of real attachment. You hear it all the time, on tv and in real life: “if they loved you they wouldn’t act this way!”.

It is for sure a well-intentioned message and I understand what these people are trying to say: that what you are experiencing is not good for you, that you deserve a better, healthier, happier life. All true things. And for sure there are cases in which abuse has different configurations. 

But from a logical standpoint, labeling abusive dynamics as universally “not-love” is a fundamental misunderstanding of how a lot of them work and I think - in the long run - it only leaves people confused as to how to recognize and eventually navigate them. Most of the times, the abuse comes from the love. It may be twisted and unhealthy and selfish and ugly, but it is there and it’s usually being expressed the only way it can. If there wasn’t love all the obsession, the love-bombing, the fear of abandoment, would make little sense. One may argue that abusers project these things on different people in their lives and so they don’t really do it because of love towards a single one. But don’t we all do the same with our issues and the people we love?

I am not in any way saying this to justify abusers. I am saying this because I think, as a victim, having your point of view constantly invalidated by people telling you that you are stupid, that what you are perceiving is not real, that love doesn’t look like that, only leaves you feeling even more silly, unsure and completely fucking confused. Because saying that love is always unselfish and pure and beautiful is something so easily disproven. And it’s infantilizing and obtuse as fuck to think that every abuse victim just walked in a relationship that was 100% bad, without having any of their needs (as fucked-up as they may be) fulfilled, had a complete brain-freeze and decided that was the new normal.

The creation of a binary division between almost essentialist cathegories of Not-Abusers - who are capable of Love - and Abusers - who are not capable of Love - is a way for people in society at large to mentally exclude themselves from any hypotetical participation in abusive and toxic behaviours, to convince themselves that there is a Good side and a Bad side, and they are for sure on the right one, without examining their own actions.

Anyone who has interacted with more than two people in their life can see that this is not how it works. Abusive and toxic behaviours in relationships exists on a spectrum and they are strongly correlated with love and attachment and the way we express them. Of course there are degrees to this and I am not proposing we condone or celebrate the worst of these conducts. But what good does it do to anybody to pretend they are some aberration born out of nothing, instead of instincts we all carry within us to some extent and that we all must learn to face and manage?

Consort's life with lord Astarion. To coincide with the end of batstarionweek2024.

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when will tumblr users learn to make posts spreading information without guilt tripping people