I Rage Against God

I rage against God

Sometimes I want to die

And that is ok

Because I know I don't really want to die

I just don't want to be in that moment.

So I outrun the dark thoughts

Stabilize

And look for something beautiful.

Then I smile.

What kind of girl am I?

One who doesn't wear make-up often,

Can't fix her hair up,

Loves to do her nails but loves to watch them fade.

I play games and eat food

Have a hard time drinking and smoking weed.

Dreams of relationships

But needs her solitude.

I am not the image of expected femininity.

My voice doesn't pass

My body doesn't pass

I don't pass.

I honestly don't mind

But I live with the assumptions I have of other people's thoughts.

Every sir I get

Every dismissal I receive

They hurt.

I hate feeling the need to do certain things

Just to be validated

But here I am

Wondering if I am doing enough.

Trying to just be happy in my own self

Some days are just harder than others.

I play with religion like a game, creating them for sport

My life is in a massive state of flux right now. Transitioning, surgery, moving, everything seems up in the air. The only thing I do have a firm grasp on is myself, and even in this I am still learning about this me. I am happy, in spite of the stress, I know I am living the life I am supposed to, and it is only going to get more me from here. I have accomplished a lot in my life, things I am proud of. I am my greatest project and words can't describe how happy I am with my own pursuit to that end

Waking up in a new city

Waiting to get out and find new people

Wondering what is coming my way.

A new journey for my weariness

Trying to do what my soul needs of me

Chasing smiles.

Fighting through my own depression

Hoping to climb up and out

Towards better dreams.

Living with a gentle faith

That everything is going to be ok

And I

I am going to thrive.