Step Back - Tumblr Posts

#1 on the list

At this very moment one year ago, I was in labour.

On the evening of November 8 -9, 2016 he came in me without my permission. In his defense I believe it was an accident. I had, at that time, miscalculated my cycle, and thought I was not in a red zone. I was incorrect. Weeks later I felt a flutter, did the usual stuff to confirm, and found out for sure. Pregnant.

I already had the appointment booked when I told him; most of me knew this was the right decision, but a little part of me hoped he’d try to talk me out of it. In retrospect it was absolutely the right decision for several reasons and if I hadn’t had that appointment booked when I told him, I’m confident he would have punched me in the stomach.

He didn’t talk me out of it, and it was made clear to me that this was something I had to handle alone.  He came to the hospital with me for the preliminary appointment and thought he had done me a great service. He advised that I was not welcome at his (once our) home despite the fact that he had put me in the predicament. If I wanted him to join me, I would have to pay for a hotel.  As I was spending every dime I had at the time on him - feeding him, clothing him, entertaining him, I had my cards maxed and couldn’t afford it.  He was very charitable with his next option - he’d go to sleep, but he’d unblock me so I could call him and keep his phone on.

So I did it alone.

What I endured was a trauma I may never get over. Some women have unpleasant period sensations.  I went through 16 hours of labour mixed with a bad reaction to the medication.  Vomit, diarrhea, sweating, chills, shakes and delirium, all alone in my parents basement, trying to be quiet to not wake them in the very early morning of Christmas Eve.

I have plenty of terrible options to choose from, but this was hands down, the absolute worst, horrible thing that has ever happened to me. 

And he made me do it alone.  What kind of man would abandon a woman like that?

This was the first time the veil got pulled back for me and I saw a glimpse of clarity through the fog.  This was the first time I thought about my life critically in years. I thought about what I wanted in life and what I needed to get there.  I felt strong - such an unusual feeling - like I could endure anything.

And then I thought about what I didn’t want to endure anymore, and what I no longer needed in my life.  A whole bunch of uncomfortable questions emerged.

This was the first step back.

Damper

It was bound to happen eventually. Truthfully I was expecting it to happen sooner, so I guess my surprise comes from having dodged it this long.

I flipped shit while in the process of having sex last night.

I couldn't even look at her. Even when I did to assure her that I was alright (I wasn't) I looked through her. I couldn't explain what happened; I still can't.

In the positive category, she did everything she was supposed to. She ceased immediately when she realized something was wrong. She held me, left me alone when i needed it, and then held me again when I needed that. She's supportive though a bit ( understandably) bewildered.

She keeps asking what she did that triggered me. I think I'm most upset that I don't know what happened, and despite my "You didn't do anything wrong" she knows that I can't say definitively that it wasn't something she did.

Today is a bad day.