Smoke Untill Die

Smoke untill die

Popping in for a sec to vent because it's 6 am n I keep having flashbacks and thoughts.

LONG RANT/VENT AHEAD!!!!

My first relationship screwed me up more than I thought, id try to confide in him about my trauma n things but he down played mine and practically said his was worse...

So without fully realizing I constantly felt the need this urge to defend my cpstd with anyone even family.

I never feel validated for what I've been through and I have been through a lot...

From the age of 16-18 I'd let anyone take advantage of me, use me I did not care about myself I still don't really but it was worse back then..

The things I let myself go through the things I'd do to myself I regret it I'm ashamed of myself for it...

I was in such a dark place and no one cared no one.

I did not protect myself from anyone I'd let guys just do whatever they wanted to me...

Now realizing the gravity of what happened to me n what I did to myself I'm glad I'm somewhat out of being that person that I was..

But it still haunts me the memories haunt me the people around me disgust me because they just let it happen no one stopped to help me to give me support or love now I have to that to myself which is incredibly hard to do..

I constantly downplay my own emotions and stuff I can't trust anyone or let anyone completely in because of all this crap weighing in on me n I think people are full of shit when they say they care about me..

Because most of the time they are no one sticks around people talk to me for a while then drop me n don't talk to me anymore.

I honestly feel validated by it like yeah leave just get away from me already I don't need you I don't need anyone.

But I crave connection only to find it then destroy it eventually.

I can't keep up with talking to people texting is hard n draining so I can tend to be a dry texter or an awkward one honestly I don't know what kind of texter I am to people but eh...

This is a long babble so I'm going to just leave this now.

YOU ARE VALID YOUR TRAUMA IS VALID DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT ISNT TRAUMA IS TRAUMA!!!!!!!!!

goodnight or good morning to anyone who reads this I'm going to go to try to sleep now...

My body is not a temple my body is a lab and i am the mentally ill scientist doing highly unethical experiments and ruining god's creations.

Sick in the head.

Demented thoughts like the wind brushing against your face.

No one knows you.

The ugly raw dark inside that you hide so well.

Everyone doesn't even know huh?

You want someone to be that true self with.

But you'd rather hide in plain site and wait.

You're dead decaying inside.

The monster wants out.

No one would understand they'd just try and change you.

They won't believe this is who you are.

Blood pain and torture.

Is what you want to bring into this world.

You are filthy.

You enjoy when others are in pain.

annoyed when they complain about their sadness or ailments.

Silently watching and enjoying the entertainment you receive from it.

You can't leave what you live off of.

Chaos strife pain.

Your family is where you receive it most.

But you are unwilling to change you can't change your insides.