And In The Night

And in the night

i slowly become what mostly you love,

secretly;

we don't want anyone to know,

silently;

This is just ours,

Delicately;

dedicatedly;

anxiously;

perfectly.

After all,

a swan does not scream during it's transformation,

it speaks with no words, no rules,

it changes into something beautiful.

I have dedicated this to you without words, you know, here:

Della,

Still waiting for you.

Can i tell you something?

There's some question that has been arguing inside of my mind again. Specifically because of the season of the year. I'm realizing this happens every year.

Why i feel like the summer is a gross temporary?

I feel the necessity of relaxing. Even when I don't actually want to. Summer makes me feel pressured to be something i am not. Because there's no 'me' in a summer without you.

Summer is so greasy, summer is so hot that it hurts. It burns, not good, not together. Summer now burns alone. It hurts, alone. Summer grieves, all alone.

As time went by I realized that this triggers the pressure cooker of emotions inside me. Imperfections in my perfect soup start to appear. It doesn't look elegant or perfect, nothing is right. Nothing that my mind touches seems to make me happy. Nothing that our memories have touched seems to be comfortable, even when it actually was.

And i hate it. I hate it because I'm supposed to be happy and enjoy it. Even more so in this environment. I used to be happy in summer. We used to be happy in summer.

I don't like to not understand things. Now everything is falling apart, now i am.

I hate summer in the way i hate to not be a part of you. There's too much buried in grass and sand that i want to forget. But then I don't.

If only you or I could come again and paint them with a rainbow, if only i could make them all look as sacred as it was, I want to convince myself somehow that... this date will ever be exciting and beautiful again. I want to see you come back with some smoothies and only worry about go swimming later.

I feel like I'm asking for too much. Please tell me it is not. I don't need a lot, I don't need the world, i just want to feel like I'm good enough to stay with you, forever.

Della.

Scared

I feel scared about that burning inside of me that comes with the summer.

It feels like my body is longing for something I can't give it.

In some way i miss my old life

No, no I don't miss my old life. I miss the feeling of being in hell with others who actually knew how perfectly horrible everything was.

I miss my sisters, i miss my cousins, i know you know me, what has happened to me?

It seems that now i am condemned to miss my wife too. Then what's the point of my life if every crystal glass i have broken was for nothing at all?

Why do the remains of crystalline glass have to cut my feet in the present if I ran on them before?

W͟h͟a͟t͟ h͟a͟s͟ h͟a͟p͟p͟e͟n͟e͟d͟ t͟o͟ m͟e͟?

#the perfect words.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅ a daily reminder that you're a very gentle, delicate flower, and should be treated like one ⋅˚₊⊹ ࣪ ˖

Me and my sisters back then were like:

via