Interesting Side Effect Of Being A Queer Left Christian Is That I Get To Watch Fellow Queer Leftists

interesting side effect of being a queer left christian is that i get to watch fellow queer leftists and fellow christians whisper in hushed tones about how the other group is "indoctrinating" people over the most trite affairs, like pronouns, or going to church

even when they get to the "big stuff" (which still usually isn't all that big), the awe and mysticism in their tone is honestly just hilarious; it's like they're blowing the cover on some big secret that really wasn't ever a secret to begin with

i don't mean to "both sides" it at all – i'm living proof you can be both! – but when each party treats the other like a cult, it's hard not to see the parallels

i've spent a ton of my creative energy lately investing into myself (links page etc) and that's cool and all but i really miss making stuff that makes others happy too

one thing i need to remind myself is that not everything needs to be a big production, like a stream or a mappack – sometimes just a single level or blog post will do the trick. and while they may not seem as grand or important, people still find enjoyment and insight in them!

like, those three months from dec 2019 to feb 2020 where i was pumping out blog posts and mario maker levels? that was kickass! i wanna go back to that level of productivity... but not the extrinsic stressors that led to it.

not to say that the pandemic killed my momentum, but i can definitely see the throughline that led me to focus more of my creative energy on myself. in fairness, i needed that (and still do!). in practice, i like getting more engaging feedback than "oh that's neat"

i still get nice comments on my old streams, levels, blogposts – i want to both share the love and remind myself of what i'm capable of. my recent projects have really only benefited me, but if i put in the work then i want everyone to benefit!

in some ways i feel like this desire conflicts with my new years resolution of "Oh God I Am In Desperate Need Of Rest And Healing" but restoring my creative energy *is* healing. and as long as i remind myself that not everything needs to be a Project, it should still be restful.

Redraw of my winter pfp of Rivers!

Turns out drawing bigger helps way more than I thought it would, hehe~ ✨

Rivers is ready to party 🎲

today's Gender Realization: as a kid i was teased when i acted like a girl AND when i acted like a boy. teased when my hair got long, teased for playing in the sand, teased for going down the "wrong" toy aisle, teased for going down the RIGHT toy aisle, what do you want from me??

as i grew older it only got more complicated: i had very few role models in my life outside of TV, which often depicted men as violent, women as temptresses, and positive qualities as punchlines.

and, ugh, my parents explained NOTHING about puberty. it was all just more teasing!

multiply all that by autism and is it any wonder that my gender identity was so repressed? that i started at nonbinary because i was so confused by everything and everyone?? that even now i worry my boy feelings are """toxic""" and my girl feelings are """lustful"""???

it's only as an adult that i've seen positive reflections, depictions, and discussions of gender in my life… and they're all queer.

every. single. one.

(i could say the same for relationships, honestly…)

Here is a Vine I wanted to make way back when Vine was still relevant, but I couldn't quite edit it down to 6.5 seconds. Enjoy