Ackermanbloodline Masterlist

ackermanbloodline masterlist

Here is a compilation of all my work in one place. I write for Levi Ackerman of Attack on Titan and pair it with a female reader. This will be updated as I publish new pieces.

Ground Rules

My work is intended for adult audiences only. Minors are not to interact with my content in any way, shape, or form.

I am not interested in my work being translated into other languages by a third party.

My work is not to be reposted, copied, or replicated in any form for any reason on any platform except for Tumblr reblogs.

My work is not to be run through any artificial intelligence (AI) software of any kind.

Asterisk Guide

* = Fluffy content * = Sexual content * = Angst * = Violent content

Series

Paperwork Summary: As captain, part of your responsibilities is ensuring that the tedious amount of paperwork following every mission gets done. But when your team goes out on an expedition and all get slaughtered, you find yourself absolutely drowning in it. A giant pile of papers at your desk is now under a strict deadline by Commander Erwin for the next morning. How will you get it done in time? Word Count: 24k

Part I

Part II *

Part III **

Part IV **

Letting Go Summary: You and the gang go out clubbing to have some fun after a long day. To your surprise, Captain Levi shows up. Word Count: 9k

Part I

Part II *

The Breaking Point Summary: You reach your breaking point with your relationship with Levi. Word Count: 11.5k

Part I *

Part II *

Part III **

One Shots

"First one to cum loses." * Summary: Levi sets you up for a challenge. Word Count: 2.3k

In Sickness & In Health * Summary: Levi is bedridden and sick. He insists he's fine and prioritizes your health over his, but he eventually caves and lets you take care of him. Word Count: 1.2k

The Most Unusual Day * Summary: Levi brings your daughter to base for the day. Word Count: 3.2k

Breathe Me ** Summary: You and your boyfriend, Levi, who never smokes, smoke together. Word Count: 4k

"It wasn't from you." * Summary: You try to relax after the Assault on Stohess. But the night has other plans for you as an assailant attacks you. And the last person you ever expected defends your honor. TRIGGER WARNING: ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT Word Count: 3.8k

The Lethality of Silence ** Summary: Levi comes home from a mission unable to speak or function. You take care of him in more ways than one. Word Count: 2.7k

Middle of the Night ** Summary: You and Levi have been going through a dry patch in your relationship. You reckon to fix that. Word Count: 4k

The Autumnal Equinox ** Summary: Queen Historia has taken the throne and there's a ceremony to attend in celebration of the remaining Scouts' honor, on the day of the Autumnal Equinox. Since Levi isn't exactly in the most cheery mood, you propose a lustful deal. Word Count: 3.2k

Take Me ** Summary: You allow Levi to take your virginity. Word Count: 5k

"I think you made a mess." ** Summary: Levi makes you squirt. Word Count: 1.5k

The Cure For Insomnia ** Summary: You take Levi's virginity. Word Count: 4k

The Best-Kept Secrets * Summary: "Kissing to hide from bad guys" trope. Word Count: 1.5k

Covetous Eyes * Summary: Captain Levi is jealous that you're spending time with a higher-ranking member of the Survey Corps. Word Count: 6.7k

Through the Threads of Time * Summary: You and Levi run into each other after decades of not seeing each other. Word Count: 3.2k

Masterlist!

All my Levi x reader fanfics and Levi fanart

Art Commission: CLOSED!

Writing Requests: CLOSED!

Headcanons and asks:

-> Little "toxic" things Levi does as a boyfriend

-> Levi dating a Swifty

-> Levi's s/o telling him she's pregnant

-> Virgin! Levi

-> Sexism in AoT

-> Homosexuality in AoT

-> Levi showing affection to his S/O in front of his kids

-> Levi having competition to wins your heart!

-> Canon! Levi (Scouts time) views on kids, marriage and romantic relationships

-> Alpha! Levi believes you would be a good mommy of his spawns

-> Wishing to be breed by Levi.

-> Levi accusing his partner of cheating?

-> Is Levi a virgin?

-> Is Levi conservative?

-> Levi's S/O with a contagious weird laugh

-> Levi in love

-> Connie having a crush on Levi's girlfriend

-> Levi reacting to his girlfriend giving birth

-> Petnames that Levi would use

-> Levi's reaction to his S/O getting assaulted NSFW

-> Levi's kinks

HEADCANONS MASTERLIST PART 2

I've reached the limit of this a single post by tumblr for links so. . . here's another masterlist lol.

One-Shots:

-> Ackerman’s blood

Levi fears for the first time that perhaps his Ackerman's powers aren't a bleassing when his son suffers the consequences of them. Dad! Levi x Reader

-> Stoppers (NSFW!!)

Levi feels overwhelming jealous and decides that there's nothing better to set things clear of who owns who than a good old fucking. Levi x Reader.

-> Criminal Record Part 1 - Part 2

Levi insist he has done worse things in his life than, perhaps, sleeping with a subordinate.

-> Traidor

2020 what a time to be alive. The snk character are doing the same as old of us trying to survive the lockdown... playing among us! Levi x reader.

-> Father’s day

Having a soldier as a father is never easy, way less when your father is Humanity's strongest soldier. Levi's kid has the perfect gift but perhaps it's not the perfect scenario. Dad! Levi x Mom! reader

-> Couple goals

Levi hates military's formal events and you know it. Both of you still make the perfect team.

-> Baby boy

Hang out with your higher-ups as you just become Levi's girlfriend. What's the worse thing that could happen? Spoiler alert: Eren is not going to forget about this... neither Erwin.

-> Scratches down his back NSFW-ish

Repeat after me, nothing good happens in the common showers unless it’s Levi sandwiching you with the wet wall. Sadly, this is not the case. So, nothing good will happen. 

-> Blackfire

Erwin insists that Levi should educate his squad on certain topics proper of their age. Levi isn't really convinced but Commander's orders are Commander's orders… However, Erwin didn't specify on what he should educate his bratty cadets about. Levi x reader!

-> ANGEL

You met Captain Levi while working as a teacher at one of the new orphanages that Queen Historia created. He seems so willying to help. (YANDERE! Levi x reader NSFW!!)

-> Tea time

Levi is deep down a huge gossip old lady. Levi x reader

-> An Old-fashioned Girl

You're a teen living her normal life until she travelled back on time to aot period.

-> Self-sabotage

Erwin begs Levi to buy him a coffee on his way to university. Having a crush in a barista is so hard when you don't like coffee. (Modern au! University student Levi having a crush on a barista)

-> Not in season? NSFW! Part 1 - Part 2

Winter had settled in, and the scouts were busy training and preparing for the prospects of spring, still far away, to retake Wall Maria. Despite the snow accumulating outside, the building was freezing cold, and the world had secluded itself until the temperature rose. So, why was Captain Levi boiling in his own body? Something felt off, but his mind was quickly slipping into insanity as he tried to find a rational explanation. OMEGAVERSE ALPHA LEVI X OMEGA READER.

-> Levi and the first encounter! Underground! Levi

Tales of Levi's life in the underground.

-> EXPLANATION OMEGAVERSE AU

-> Fifteen, what an age to be alive!

Steal your father's car! What could go wrong? Dad! Levi x Mom! Reader

-> Laundry Problems

Levi's a very stoic calm man. He always does laundry but as a unknown piece of clothe appear, Levi's life flash before his eyes. Levi x reader

-> Bed-head Levi

How are Captain Levi's mornings?

-> Boop! You've been chosen!

Levi and you decide to adopt a kitty.

-> My Teen! Levi's modern AU stories.

There's a lot of them so here's a link to all of them.

-> EUPHEMISMS (NSFW-ish)

Levi may not have attended school, but he knows a thing or two about pregnancy… and also periods. (Levi takes care of you during your period)

-> Transactional (PURE NSFW!!!)

When you go to ask Captain Levi for a promotion, it's important to remain humble.

-> Mother's smile (Dad! Levi angst)

Levi's son feels the pressure of being an Ackerman.

Little Pieces I Wrote (Self-Explanatory Titles).

-> Levi isn't romantic

-> Levi as a father part 1 part2

-> Unpopular aot opinions

-> Levi growing up in the underground 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,

-> Levi's morning with happy ending NSFW

-> Sick clingy Levi NSFWish

-> Soft Levi NSFWish

-> Horny Levi x nurse! reader NSFW

-> Levi x Passenger princess reader

-> Travelling with Levi

-> Girlfriend effect on Levi!

-> Levi loving calling his girlfriend "wife"

-> Levi and farlan as roomies

-> Levi as the father of a baby boy

-> Being humanity's strongest baby girl

-> SnK boys and pilates.

-> Levi's baby thinks Levi's tight chess works as mommy's chest lol

-> Erwin finds out that now Levi is busy at night 👀

-> Levi's only weakness... You, you and a sundress

-> Sexually frustrated Levi

-> Levi = female gaze

-> Levi using you as an excuse for anything

-> Modern au! Levi was a very attentive fuck buddy, even more attentive as a boyfriend.

-> Your horse doesn't want to share you with Levi.

-> Levi's daughter

-> Erwin introduce you to Levi

-> Rambling about gossip to your boyfriend while stealing his food >>> anything else

-> Deadly Occasion (Levi is forced to marry someone else) NSFW

-> Drunk Levi? Better say needy Levi! NSFW

-> Walking down the streets with Levi

Levi's horrible flirting skills!

Short multichapter where we follow Levi's awkward attempts to win the reader over.

Holy Ground (longfic! Levi x reader)

"Alright, get comfortable because this is going to be a long, crappy tale. Join me as we travel down memory lane, back when Erwin wasn't yet a commander, when Mike and Nanaba couldn't keep their hands off each other, when Hange was... well, Hange. And Levi? Well, Levi was a twenty-four-year-old man who didn't give a damn about the rules. Are you ready?"

600! Followers event!

Have you ever wished you could ask Captain Levi a few questions and see his reaction? Well! say no more! I left Levi incharge of my blog for a few days. Enjoy the comic with hisreactions!

2k! Followers event!

Have you ever wished you could ask Captain Levi a few questions and see his reaction? Well! say no more! I left Levi incharge of my blog for a few days. Enjoy the comic with hisreactions! Part 2! Levi's revenge.

SnK Incorrect Quotes:

63 and COUNTING silly posts of quotes that I think snk characters would say.

You think that art looks cute? I draw it! Here's a link to a few of my other pieces!

WANNA JOIN MY TAG LIST SO YOU DON’T LOSE A SINGLE POST? HERE!

How to avoid White Room Syndrome

by Writerthreads on Instagram

A common problem writers face is "white room syndrome"—when scenes feel like they’re happening in an empty white room. To avoid this, it's important to describe settings in a way that makes them feel real and alive, without overloading readers with too much detail. Here are a few tips below to help!

Focus on a few key details

You don’t need to describe everything in the scene—just pick a couple of specific, memorable details to bring the setting to life. Maybe it’s the creaky floorboards in an old house, the musty smell of a forgotten attic, or the soft hum of a refrigerator in a small kitchen. These little details help anchor the scene and give readers something to picture, without dragging the action with heaps of descriptions.

Engage the senses

Instead of just focusing on what characters can see, try to incorporate all five senses—what do they hear, smell, feel, or even taste? Describe the smell of fresh bread from a nearby bakery, or the damp chill of a foggy morning. This adds a lot of depth and make the location feel more real and imaginable.

Mix descriptions with actions

Have characters interact with the environment. How do your characters move through the space? Are they brushing their hands over a dusty bookshelf, shuffling through fallen leaves, or squeezing through a crowded subway car? Instead of dumping a paragraph of description, mix it in with the action or dialogue.

Use the setting to reflect a mood or theme

Sometimes, the setting can do more than just provide a backdrop—it can reinforce the mood of a scene or even reflect a theme in the story. A stormy night might enhance tension, while a warm, sunny day might highlight a moment of peace. The environment can add an extra layer to what’s happening symbolically.

Here's an example of writing a description that hopefully feels alive and realistic, without dragging the action:

The bookstore was tucked between two brick buildings, its faded sign creaking with every gust of wind. Inside, the air was thick with the scent of worn paper and dust, mingling with the faint aroma of freshly brewed coffee from a corner café down the street. The wooden floorboards groaned as Ella wandered between the shelves, her fingertips brushing the spines of forgotten novels. Somewhere in the back, the soft sound of jazz crackled from an ancient radio.

Hope these tips help in your writing!

ATTACK ON TITAN - JUST A TAD JEALOUS

includes: jean kirstein, eren jaeger, connie springer and levi ackerman all xfem!reader

a/n: i honestly don't know what this is :)

jean kirstein:

pouty :(

as much as he tries to act confident, jean gets extremely insecure when he sees someone else flirty with you

he'll watch from a far as the guy smirks down at you, invading your personal space as he brushes a strand of hair behind your ear and whispers something into it all one fell swoop - and jean will hardly be able to stop the heavy pout that curls onto his lips

it's not that he doesn't trust you (literally, takes everything you say and believes it - he trusts you more than anything) but he can't help but wondering if maybe that guy would look better with you and if others think that too

he can be a little oblivious sometimes and although he tries to make you his first priority, it doesn't always work out that way

maybe you'd be happier with this-

"i have a boyfriend, thank you very much"

your voice booms over the noise of the party, the noise cutting out momentarily as jean blinks in your direction.

he'd looked away for a split second and now you're glaring up at the guy, eyes set into a nasty glare as you push him off of you

a second later and you're marching your way through the crowd, ignoring the eyes that follow you or the sputter of the guy behind you, not stopping until you reach jean and the second you do the frown that had been stuck on your lips vanishes and a warm smile curls onto your lips

"there you are"

jean just blinks down at you

"why didn't you come save me," you pout up at him, falling against him dramatically as you draped yourself over him entirely; "that guy was weird and creepy and all i wanted was my handsome, strong boyfriend to protect me"

:((

now he feels worse

"sorry baby," he smiles down but it doesn't reach his eyes

you meet his gaze before shaking your head, "don't worry, jean, i would never leave you"

and he feels his heart swell at your words and the fact that he hadn't even had to say anything and you just knew

eren jaeger:

doesn't even let the guy finish

one second he's talking to armin after class about a project coming up and it's like his sense go off, his head snapping over his shoulder in the direction of you

erens eyes widen

you've been cornered against a wall, some guy eren's never seen before stood in front of you with his arm stretched across you, palm pressed against the wall next to your head

that's all it takes

the guys halfway through sending some sort of flirtatious comment your way when eren abruptly shoves his way through, not-so-subtly shoving the guy out of the way and coming to stand in front of you, fulling blocking your view of the guy

you're swarmed by him, eren's arms coming around you and pressing you against the wall as he smirks down at you

you blink up at him, dazed, the whole thing happening far too quick for you to process

"hi baby"

there's a shit-eating grin across his face

"eren-!"

"excuse me but i was-"

eren spins around, smile fading as he glowers down at the guy

"excuse you," he spits, "but i'm trying to have a conversation with my girlfriend"

every bit of his confidence fades then before he scampers away, thoroughly embarrassed

"that's what i thought"

"eren," you call, tugging him to face, "he-"

"was flirting with you," eren rolls his eyes like he can't believe you're even questioning it, "and i had to protect your honour!"

you just raise a brow at him

connie springer:

he's a little shit to be honest

not at all threatened but that doesn't mean he's gonna let the guy flirt with you

oh, definitely not

"y/nnnnnnnn~! i'm horny!"

cue you burning bright red, body tensing as connie wraps his entire body around you, nearly toppling you over as the boy in front of you turns beet red himself, sputtering

"i-i..."

"mm?" connie questions, lazily letting his eyes drift to the boy like he'd just noticed him for the first time (which all of you knew wasn't true), "oh, didn't see you there"

the boy blinks

"you're so... tiny"

your jaw slacks, "connie!"

"what!"

you just turn to him but he's grinning, eyes twinkling with delight as he shifts, moving to wrap an arm around your waist and pulling you flush against his side

"seriously though, y/n, i'm horny"

"connie, what the-"

"i-i... i should go!"

the boy goes running off before you can say anything

silence follows

"connie"

"hm?"

"he was asking me about the project we were grouped together for"

"oh"

turning to him, you shake your head, "yeah, 'oh'! what am i supposed to say to him now?"

"nothing?" connie shrugs, like the answer was obvious

"connie!"

"what!"

you huff, rolling your eyes but unable to stop the smile that slowly curls onto your lips at your boyfriend

"i was serious you know"

"shut up"

levi ackerman:

no one dares, to be honest

levi is quite literally glued to your hip

he's not a big fan of pda, but he is always near you; whether that be a hand pressed against your back, or holding your hand, or hovering somewhere close to you...

levi is always there

...glaring at any potential man that step towards you

if a guy does try to flirt (not even flirt, just talk to you) with you, levi is glaring at him the. entire. time.

a domineering, honestly terrifying presence behind you constantly

and you?

you're aware and you simply let levi

you're just as smitten with him as he is you and you'd happily let him do whatever he wanted if it meant just getting to spend time with him

levi has no reason to even get jealous because no one dares and you're utterly oblivious to any attempts

if someone flirts with you, you just simply bring up levi, smiling brightly and giggling at the mere thought of your adorable, wonderful boyfriend

and honestly?

its a huge boost to his ego

Hiii Could you do a fluff head cannon with all the mha pro heroes (aizawa,present mic,all might,mirko, And midnight) like little moments with child reader

Pro Heroes x Child Reader:

(Platonic) Fluff HC’s

Aizawa:

Snuggles with the reader all the time

Probably bought a matching sleeping bag for the reader

Has secretly put up their drawings in his office at school

Lets the reader sleep with him when they can’t sleep or have a nightmare

Will go through the house and make sure no villains or monsters are hiding before bedtime

Reads story books at bedtime or tells the reader stories about uncle Mic or his students

Would definitely have pajama parties

Would help the reader build blanket and pillow forts in the living room and sleeps in them

Helps the reader as best he can with their homework

Hizashi:

Most definitely has dance parties or plays music videos games

Bought the reader one of the children’s karaoke machines and cheers the reader on now matter how bad their singing is

Loves playing hide and seek with the reader

If the kid likes to dress up whenever they play then he’ll definitely help and tries to make the reader look like a mini him

Definitely bought the reader instruments like a toy keyboard or drums to let them explore music and see if they like it

Makes up the weirdest and silly stories for the reader’s bedtime

Helps the reader with their homework by making a game of it or making it entertaining

Has pictures and drawings from the reader all over his desk and office

All might:

Dad jokes 100%. Will tell all kinds of them no matter how lame or stupid they are

Plays pretend and has the reader be the hero who defeats the evil tickle monster

Tries to cook food with the reader like baking cookies or making their own homemade pizza. Has had to try to keep the reader from eating all the ingredients when they were younger

Carries the reader on his shoulders and will toss them in the air

Definitely tries to introduce foreign foods to the reader such as classic American dishes like an American hotdog or apple pie

Tells the reader stories of his hero days when he was younger or his experiences overseas as bedtime stories

Helps the reader understand their homework and shows them how to do it before letting them try if they’re struggling

Let’s the reader wear his shirts since they’re so big on reader and he thinks it’s cute

Proudly shows pictures and the reader’s drawings to his coworkers

Mirko:

Definitely cheers on the reader whenever they play Heroes and villains

Will definitely give actual advice on how to fight a villain

Has morning yoga sessions with the reader to help them increase their flexibility

Would most likely play wrestle with the child

Reader has a bunch or Mirko merch and has all the limited edition items thanks to Mirko

Recounts stories of the villains she fought that day as bedtime stories or makes some up

Tries to help the reader with their homework and will hire a tutor or ask another pro to help them if possible

Definitely has the reader’s drawings in her office and proudly displays them for all to see

Probably has a trampoline and teaches the reader how to do cool jumps

Midnight:

Loves going shopping for clothes with reader

Will definitely play heroes and villains with the child and be the villain

Would also pretend to be a civilian in need of saving

Helps reader design their ‘hero’ costume

If the child can’t sleep then she’ll use her quirk to help them sleep

Will read story books to the reader and tuck them in at bedtime

Helps the reader with their homework by referencing the problems to things they already know or that they like, for example: with math, Midnight will use visual references like pieces of candy to help the reader understand addition and subtraction

Has bought so many stuffed animals for the reader, their room is basically filled with them

aot men as dads - headcanon!! some 18+!!

includes: eren, jean, reiner, & levi

i'm still working on some full-fledged one-shots and parts of my series', but i'm nannying for the summer and have BABY FEVER. please enjoy my little headcanons of my fav aot men as dads <3

DISCLAIMER: some of this post contains MATURE CONTENT that is intended only for those over 18. if you are a minor, please do not read below the cut.

Eren

ok but eren is such a cringe dad lol

buys himself all of the #1 Dad! merch. he’s got mugs, tshirts, hats, all of it, and all of it went on his credit card.

10000% a girl dad. loves all the little dresses and bows; he puts your daughter’s hair in its first bun, nearly tears up when she points at his matching hairstyle and babbles “like da-da!”

you have to parent eren as much as the children. when you turn the corner into the living room where he’s supposed to be having “quiet time” with your toddler only to find that they’re buried in a pillow fort and eren’s signed his own name in crayon on the wall next to your daughter’s scribblings. “babe, we can just repaint it! she’s being creative.”

loves when you’re pregnant. after your first, eren keeps a calendar on the wall marking off the days until it’s safe for him to fuck you again, fuck a baby right back into you. already has a breeding kink before your first. develops a lactation kink after.

TERRIFIED (and i mean terrified) of hurting your little angel. has absolutely zero concept of “cry it out”; if he hears his baby crying, he’s sprinting into the next room, kissing a nonexistent boo-boo.

refuses to admit it but he has no backbone when it comes to your daughter wanting literally anything. she wants it, she gets it.

favorite thing in the world is matching outfits. favorite. “babe, where’s her green hoodie? i’m wearing mine today for the park!” “of course it matters, we have to match! on that note, where’s yours?”

lets your daughter use his hair to learn how to braid. usually has a few pink hair ties or glittery clips sticking out of it when you come home from a mom’s night out.

really big on your baby getting to see the world. drags you on vacation to any place he can think of, even as you try to explain to him that she can’t form any long term memories yet. “but baby, she’ll have pictures. how many kids in her class can bring a picture of them at the eiffel tower to their first show-and-tell?”

accidentally ruins santa and the tooth fairy for your daughter. cries harder than she does over it.

aggressively vets babysitters. ends up settling for a nursing student in the labor & delivery school who’s the oldest of seven children and probably more knowledgeable about child development than both of you combined, but he’s still suspicious.

wants to watch while you push, watch his baby come into the world. you’ve never seen a sweeter sight than eren in his scrubs, crying while holding your baby girl.

Jean

most people picture eren as being the roughhousing dad, but it’s jean, and i will die on this hill.

freaks out every time he drops your first boy while throwing him around like a ragdoll, but he’ll never stop because “listen!! he’s laughing!”. when it comes to the rest of them, he’s experienced enough now to tell the difference between a real booboo and an imagined one, and he simply brushes their little pants off caringly before shouting “now you tackle me!”

jean’s got no gender preference for your first, or the rest of your little brood for that matter. he raises them exactly the same, regardless: tough.

it takes him awhile to get used to the concept of babies’ minds. you’ve walked in on him having full-blown arguments with your shrieking toddlers several times. “what’s not making sense? if you let your goldfish ‘swim’ in the toilet, it dies, simple as that.”

plays “bad cop” for you because you’re terrible at it, but he’s always having to turn around and snicker into his elbow in the middle of scolding because your babies get the same little throbbing forehead vein as you when they’re mad

wants a big family, and gets it. you practically have to drag him to get his balls snipped after your fourth, him reminding you that “it’s reversible!” the entire way there.

the newborn phase is his favorite. he’s rarely home for any longer than ten minutes without scooping your most recent addition into his arms, squishing their little cheeks and marveling at their gurgling noises.

the kids never give him anxiety, but when you’re pregnant??? jean’s a wreck.

“do your feet still hurt, love?” “what do you mean you have indigestion? that could be the baby coming!” “of course we can’t have sex, what if we poke its little head?”

definitely the dad that’s got a delivery bag and a backup bag and an emergency third backup of the backup bag in his car at all times. the first week of your third trimester, he starts watching you suspiciously for any signs of labor, even though this is your fourth together. you think you’ve got it down by now, you tell him, but he won’t listen.

always gets the kids to work together on little surprises for you. every mother’s day they wake you up with breakfast, every valentines day your dining room table is covered in handmade cards, every birthday your kitchen is coated in flour from jean and four little ones attempting to bake

SO HARD to drag him out for a date night. he wants to bring them everywhere: the fancy restaurant, the couples' get away trip

jean's that dad standing in the bar, watching the game, beer in hand, with an occupied baby carrier strapped to his chest

wants to watch during delivery, but he passed out the first go-round, so now he’s content standing up by your head, trying not to turn white as you squeeze his hand hard enough to break.

talks you into just one more on your fourth’s second birthday. “they’re all so big now. don’t you miss it, babe? my baby in your belly? c’mon…” turns out he reversed that vasectomy without telling you

Reiner

another girl dad. hardcore girl dad.

buys his little princess all number of dresses and barbies, is confused when she’s more interested in the baseballs her classmates have.

accidentally raises the most tomboyish, toughest little girl. still babies her, and she hates it.

cries more than you do on your first date night out when you leave her with your mom. forgets to order his entree at the restaurant because he’s watching the baby monitor app on his phone.

definitely the best at splitting baby duties with you. reiner’s up before you most nights when she wakes, grabbing a bottle and cooing at her lovingly even as she screams. you always try to stay awake to watch him on the baby monitor, though, heart melting as his massive arms rock the tiny bundle back to sleep.

all the neighborhood kids love him because of his size. at every cookout, reiner can’t help on the grill because he’s buried in the grass in a little army of toddlers, led by your daughter, shrieking with joy.

always taking pictures. literally always. unflattering ones when you fall asleep breastfeeding, candids at the zoo, eighteen identical pictures of the lock of hair from her first haircut clogging up his camera roll.

can’t be the bad cop. literally ever. he just can’t say no to his little princess, can’t break her precious little heart by telling her that throwing her food onto the floor is bad.

takes your daughter to mommy & me classes with him

DILF DILF DILF. all the moms in the classes swoon over him and gossip about him when he’s not there; much to your annoyance, reiner never notices, insisting that they’re his “mommy friends”.

always sporting a little bit of glitter on his face or a sticker on his back from your daughter

coming from a fatherless background, reiner nearly kills himself trying to be a constant presence in your daughter’s life (you have to remind him that he has to rest too)

never misses an open house night at school, even if it nearly gets him fired. coaches all of her sports teams. literally almost cries when she makes her first soccer goal. actually does cry when she tells you the boy sitting beside her in class called her his girlfriend. full-blown breakdown on her first day of school, so bad he has to stay home from work.

the absolute BEST through your pregnancy and delivery. always cooking your craving of the week, constant foot and back rubs, stays up all night with you for the three days before the birth when you’re just too swollen and miserable to sleep.

holds your hand through the entire delivery, gets in the doctors’ way when they’re performing checkups because “i’m her father, i need to know what’s going on”

Levi

levi never pictured himself as having children, but when your little surprise arrives, blinking up at levi with his own grey, owlish eyes, levi can’t believe he hadn’t thought of it sooner.

very easily irritated with anyone asking questions about your home life.

when his coworkers ask for your newborn’s name, levi simply says “child.” are you two trying again? “why the fuck do you need to know?”

super overprotective. your baby waves at someone in the supermarket, and levi’s leaning down to explain (in words your eight-month-old can’t yet understand) stranger danger.

totally one of those parents that goes half-crazy trying to get their child into the top-notch, snobby preschool in town.

“we’re not wasting his intelligence on the public school”

levi grew up with basically nothing, so he goes all out buying the best baby products on the market. $2,500 strollers, researching “best baby toys for development”, the whole nine yards.

100% spends months trying to get your child to make a game out of picking up his own toys after playtime, but it never works.

has a meal plan for your child to “optimize nutrition” that you have to sneak around to give your baby little chocolates and junk snacks.

“why are there pringles in his playtime bag? they have no nutritional value.”

vets anyone that comes around your child, even other children. “no more playtime with that evan kid. he’s always got a cold or something.”

he’s always been a light sleeper, but once you have your child, levi snores beside them watching kids’ cartoons on the tv like you’ve never seen him, even drooling as his head lolls, arm tucked tight around your little one.

learned everything he could about labor and delivery beforehand

you almost killed him in the delivery room as he explained each medical detail of your labor symptoms to “reassure” you. he finally got the hint when you threatened to decapitate him.

he thinks it’s shameful, but watching you be a mother turns. him. on. 

wants to take you right there when he catches you breastfeeding, watches you read a bedtime story, spin your child around laughing. you’re just so naturally good at it and it makes him love you all the more, all that love going straight between his legs.