On The Topic Of Humans Being Everyones Favorite Intergalactic Versions Of Gonzo The Great:Come On You

On the topic of humans being everyone’s favorite Intergalactic versions  of Gonzo the Great: Come on you guys, I’ve seen all the hilarious additions to my “humans are the friendly ones” post. We’re basically Steve Irwin meets Gonzo from the Muppets at this point. I love it. 

But what if certain species of aliens have Rules for dealing with humans?

Don’t eat their food. If human food passes your lips/beak/membrane/other way of ingesting nutrients, you will never be satisfied with your ration bars again.

Don’t tell them your name. Humans can find you again once they know your name and this can be either life-saving or the absolute worst thing that could happen to you, depending on whether or not they favor you. Better to be on the safe side.

Winning a human’s favor will ensure that a great deal of luck is on your side, but if you anger them, they are wholly capable of wiping out everything you ever cared about. Do not anger them.

If you must anger them, carry a cage of X’arvizian bloodflies with you, for they resemble Earth mo-skee-toes and the human will avoid them.

This does not always work. Have a last will and testament ready.

Do not let them take you anywhere on your planet that you cannot fly a ship from. Beings who are spirited away to the human kingdom of Aria Fiv-Ti Won rarely return, and those that do are never quite the same.

Basically, humans are like the Fair Folk to some aliens and half of them are scared to death and the others are like alien teenagers who are like “I dare you to ask a human to take you to Earth”.

conspiracy.

so here's some thoughts about the disaster lineage and Jar'kai

(I have a black belt in Haidong Gumdo, so I'd like to think I know what I'm talking about to some extent here but real-life swords =/= lightsabres so take what I say with a grain of salt)

The Disaster Lineage fucking flexes on the Jedi Order when it comes to lightsabre combat and this is my essay.

So, as far as my shoddy research turned up, Jar'kai isn't really one of the numbered forms. That gets me to believe that Jar'kai is something like a method rather than a philosophy/style so for the purposes of this breakdown I'll propose that you can do forms I through VII in Jar'kai.

Now, as someone who has faffed around sparring with two swords for shits and giggles, let me tell you it is extremely difficult to do. I don't know if you guys had to do the dumb motor exercise in grade school where you tapped your head with one hand while rubbing a circle on your tummy with the other and it's doable but like requires focus? Or tried swinging your arms in two counter directions and it's not easy? This is because our brains are coded in a specific way to make movement easier (because we have symmetrical biology for the most part) and require less thought to do simple tasks and theres tricks to the nerves that control our muscles on both sides of our body. You can make your arms move in opposite directions it just takes a lot of practice and conscious thought.

Now, imagine doing that but if you fuck up you die. 🤪

I don't know what a real lightsabre would feel like in terms of weight. It's a different ballgame when you're missing most of the weight of the blade and it's all in the hilt. (I have stunt sabres but they function more like real swords because this is not the galaxy far far away). Regardless of this, lightsabres basically function like hand and a half swords because they can be used either one-handed or two-handed. The strength and control you need to wield a sword, typically used with two hands, one-handed is significant. The arm-power you need to block a two-handed strike with one hand is insane.

Someone, please draw the disaster lineage in tank tops that say "suns out guns out" because I cannot emphasize how strong and dexterous and focused you need to be to dual-wield.

Anakin, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka dual-wielding is A FUCKING FLEX.

Ahsoka has a shoto which means it's smaller, this is to make dual-wielding easier because there's less of a chance your swords are going to get in each other's way. It also draws on rapier-dagger combos as well. It's extremely effective sword fighting.

She also typically reverse grips one which gives it less range (reverse grip is unh... really limiting actually, it truncated your threat range considerably but it's useful in specific circumstances. It also follows the rule of cool).

The two thots on the other hand—the Team, the glorious bastards, Ahsoka's two Masters—times we see Anakin and Obi-Wan dual-wield they're using two full-length lightsabres and no reverse grip. These fucking bitches are flexing so hard, they're showing off how good they are, the precision of their control, their strength. Anakin and Obi-Wan are just as good at Jar'kai as Ahsoka. There, I said it. They just don't favour it because Anakin probably prefers the sheer fucking strength he can deliver two-handed with Djem So and Shien and Obi-Wan prefers the control he gets from a two-handed grip.

But make no mistake these absolute assholes are very very good at Jar'kai. I still think about that one time Obi-Wan dual-wielded against Maul and Savage like... we stan one (1) absolute bitch who makes everyone else look like a chump. And Anakin looks very good doing it too. In fact, I headcanon that Anakin taught Ahsoka and is part of the real reason she's so good at it.

Anakin Skywalker would have been a fucking threat if he had made Jar'Kai his primary method of lightsabre fighting. His reach alone would be insane, especially the way he wields the swords. You actually see it in the first fight against Dooku, his range of threat is immense. He's actually shortening his range when he two hands the lightsaber—this naturally comes when you occupy both of your arms, they limit each other—but on the flip side, he's doubling the power output and control when he does and Anakin seems to be someone who likes the fact that he can physically overpower most of his opponents.

Like, spoilers for Rebels, but In the fight with Ahsoka in Season 2, my girl with the guns has to stop him with both of her blades crossed. This is Ahsoka who has blocked two-handed hits before one-handed. She knows she's fucked if she tries that against Anakin and has to compensate.

But Izzy, you might say, Anakin lost his arm doing Jar'Kai! How could he be good at it!?

First, I love that we all agree that Obi-Wan is good at everything and we aren't questioning him. We love and respect Obi-Wan Kenobi on this blog.

Secondly, I don't think Anakin is bad at Jar'Kai at all. We're talking about "sees things before they happen" and "pod racer" Anakin fucking Skywalker. Duh, of course, this sabre thot would be an amazing Jar'Kai practitioner. The reasons he lost the battle with Dooku are threefold in my mind:

He just lost his mother, his still-developing brain is going through chemical hell and he has to be distracted by his grief and anger.

Distracted because Obi-Wan is unconscious and probably hurt. His primary concern is no longer himself ah yes there goes self-preservation out the window 😔

Dooku is a Master—possibly the Master—of Makashi, which is specifically used against one opponent. Do you think Dooku hasn't made sure he's effective against Jar'Kai practitioners? Lol, he eats Padawans for breakfast. RIP Anakin.

Yoda's line is 100% the envy of the Jedi order for lightsabre skills. They settle for nothing short of mastery of every form and method (except Vapaad because Mace took one look at that trend and said Fuck Off, and I love him for that) and the only one who can kick their ass at it is someone who exclusively favours a specific form to the point that they've perfected it.

SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE (2018)

Obi-Wan: *upon ‘finding out’ that Anakin and Padme are married, turns to Padme* I’m so angry with you, Senator.

Anakin: Master, you can’t just-

Obi-Wan: Yes I can, Anakin Skywalker! She didn’t even ask for your hand before stealing you away like some barbaric queen of old, defiling you in secret without my blessing. It’s just insulting.

Anakin: ...um... so she... hmmm... what would you have said if she asked for my hand?

Obi-Wan: The same thing any other Old Guard Master like myself would have done; given her as task of great importance. If she survived, she would have earned the right to love you as you both wish.

Padme: *deciding to play along* ...what sorta task?

Anakin: *gasp* Padme, you can’t do that! Nothing dangerous!

Obi-Wan: Oh, the most dangerous of all tasks.

Anakin: Obi-Wan, no!

Padme: I can handle it.

Anakin: *is precious dumb baby* :(

Obi-Wan: Steal Chancellor Palpatine’s Correlian brandy from his office.

Anakin: ...??? *fully thinks that Palps would laugh it off and hand it to her if she even asked*

Padme: Done. *heads off*

One hour later

Padme: *busting into Obi-Wan’s apartment in a panic with Bail Organa and Mon Mothma* YALL WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST FOUND OUT HOLY SHIT WE NEED TO CALL THE JEDI COUNCIL-

10 years later

Obi-Wan: And that, my dears, is how your mother won your fathers hand in marriage and saved the republic by ending a war.

Luke: *plays with ship*

Leia: *braiding Luke’s hair* Mom did good. I will do better when I ask for my husband’s hand.

Obi-Wan: I’m absolutely sure of it.