I Actually Dislike My Mom

I actually dislike my mom

now I'm not gonna say hate cuz I don't hate her. We've had a ton of issues in the past and it's gotten better but sometimes I genuinely just need to hit her. Like she'll do the most degrading, insane, abusive shit when she's drunk or upset. When she's having a bad day suddenly we all have to have a bad day too.

Just earlier she came home being all bitchy. She hadn't taken us to a water park that my dad had paid for, instead going out on the lake to get drunk with her friend. She left us home alone for like 6 hours and didn't answer her phone. When she came back she was like "why didn't you go outside its so pretty? You're so lazy like get up and do something." And like bitch? Tf? You were gonna take us to the waterpark. We were waiting for your bitchass. Then she lied to my dad and said we didn't want to go. We damn well did.

Then earlier I was sitting on the couch minding my business trying not to let my mom's mood affect me and then my dumbass dog (whom I love very much) came and started pawing at me and getting me wet cu he went to the lake too. I was like "stop touching me you're wet" and my mom was like "BE NICE TO HIM HE JUST WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!!" and I was like "okay but I don't want him to touch me" and she started getting all pissy. BITCH NO MEANS NO. IF I DONT WANT SOMEONE TO TOUCH ME THEN DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME. and she started belittling me because I was "being rude". I was getting upset. Like I started standing up to her. Genuinely she makes me so mad. She's always embarrassing me and belittling me when I don't do what she wants. She has such a hard time understanding that I'm autistic. I don't want you touching me all the damn time. I don't just brush things off. No means no. I don't want to be yelled at and I don't want to be told what to do when I don't even know what it is exactly that you want me to do. I fucking hate her sometimes.

holy shit matpat has a Tumblr account?

I quit YouTube for this.

Guys should I start a conspiracy theory series??????

I'm magic. (My sister's friend is playing)

Me: man i want hugs

Also me when somebody gives me physical affection: get the f u c k away from mE-

yeah probably. I bet there's a ton of stuff in censoring out cuz I'm not tryna screw some of yall up🙏

but I know i could go to you if I need to. thank you ♥

mental update/trauma dump

You can totally scroll past this post i just need to get it out 😭

tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, drugs, medical hospitalization, etc.

ok so this is really weird to talk about actually and I don't really know how to talk about this. Guess i just needed to get it out. So I have been clean for about 10 months now!!! Holy shit I hadn't realized I just did the math 😭 anyways I missed Halloween last year because I was in the hospital since some of my stupid organs weren't working properly. But I was so upset about it. And when the nurses were checking my arm health, some of my sh scars were visible and she just said "arm health good" and I was like ayyyy that's what's up. But what I forgot was I still had some cuts on my legs that I had totally forgotten about. She didn't check them thank God because my parents didn't know about them. When I got home that night I had to take a shower cuz yucky and my arms weren't working so I had my mom help but I had to be so careful to not let her see the cuts. Anyways the last day I was in the hospital was the last day I had talked to my therapist since she was leaving company she worked for to be independent. She said she was going to reschedule with me later. My mom had sent so many emails only to get "no reply". My therapist recently started seeing my sister instead because of some issues. When I asked her about it she said that she had been trying to contact me for months. My mom lied (surprise surprise).

But schools been really tough recently and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts again and I don't know where to go since I don't have a therapist anymore. My mom was going through my stuff to clean up and I didn't really care cuz yk wtv. But she found some pills that I had in one of my jewelry boxes in case I needed to yk... but the thing was I had totally forgotten about them. She just goes "oh! I'll take those. I want them." I was like okay? I don't want them. I forgot they were there anyways. But now I'm kinda like damn. I know that I need to stay strong bc I'm still trying to deal with my ed and friend problems but I just don't know If I can anymore. It's getting really hard. I bought some sensory necklaces off of Amazon to help with my sensory and those are helping but it's just not enough. I just feel so awful all the time. It might be depression? I dunno. I'm trying not to distance myself but it's so easy to just doom scroll all day and do nothing. Getting up early for school when I can't even think is so rough. I didn't even plan on living this long so i have no idea what the hell im doing. I want to talk to someone but I also know that I can ramble and rant for hours and I don't want to do that to my friends. It's hard enough for them already and that would just be cruel of me. My friends can't fix my problems. I just don't know what to do. I see my friends doing better, yk the ones that have really had it rough and i feel great for them. But I also see some friends doing worse and I'm just like, yeah. I get you. I dunno I might be yapping but my stupid brain thinks that sometimes my friends don't really like me. Like if I were to kill myself that I'd turn into one of those jokes like " you should commit [my name]!" Or "i hope you end up like [my name]" because that would fucking suck. Kids are so mean.

I dunno what to do man. I might delete this or smt.

Bye nerds im gonna go spend 4 hours on c.ai now wink 😜