Incomplete List Of Ordinary Things That Are Intimate When U Do Them For/with Someone U Love:

incomplete list of ordinary things that are intimate when u do them for/with someone u love:

-unbuttoning or unzipping clothing

-putting on their necklace

-any hair touching at all

-giving them a bite of your food and u feed it to them off ur own fork

-catching their eye from across the room

-picking fuzz off their clothing

-cooking together and standing over the same pan while you stir and they add things

-sitting in the same room working on different things together in silence

-teaching them how to do something

-doing something for them bc their hands are full

-grocery shopping together

🧶

If you’re an adult, do the stuff you couldn’t as a kid.

Like, me and my sister went to a museum, and they had an extra exhibit of butterflies. But it cost £3. So we sighed, walked past, then stopped. We each had £3. We could see the butterflies. And we did it was great. We followed it up with an ice-cream as well because Mum and Dad weren’t there to say no.

I was driving back from a work trip with 2 other people in their early 20s, and we drove past a MacDonalds. One of the others went “Aww man, I’d love a McFlurry.” And the guy driving pulled in to the drive through. It was wild. But it was great.

I went to a park over the weekend and I was thinking “Man, I’d love to hire one of those bikes and cycle round the park.” It took me a few minutes to go “Wait, I can hire one of those bikes!”

I guess what I’m saying is, those impulsive things you wanted to do as a kid - see the dinosaur exhibit, play in the fountains with the other kids, lie in the shade for 2 hours - you can do when you’re an adult. You have to deal with a whole lot of other bull, but at least you can indulge your inner 8 year-old.

Most people are still surprised when I say I have ADHD. It’s not that I hide it on purpose - a lot of it is ingrained into me in order to avoid ridicule and trouble. Here are more ways I (consciously or not) hide my ADHD!

The Point of Affinity Networks -or- Why picking up groceries for your neighbor is actually useful as a form of direct action

So in the notes and replies and tags of some of my recent posts I’ve been seeing a few people saying “What’s the point of getting groceries for my neighbor if I’m about to lose access to life-saving medical care? Why should I help the terrible old jackass down the street by lending him my tools if he’s just going to vote away my right to access reproductive care?” and.

A few years ago my spouse was setting up a volunteer radio and emergency response group and he started reading a prepper blog that I *hated* because it was taking the concept of community-building and making it Machiavellian. This blog was talking about why you should help out neighbors who you knew to be Mormon because they were likely to have good survival supplies, why you should have your kids volunteer to mow the lawns of the elderly folks at church so that more people knew you and liked your family.

And it just felt so *shitty.* And I ended up ranting to my spouse about it because it was shitty! “It’s, like, weaponizing kindness or something! Just be good people, it’s so fucking weird that you’re trying to get on your neighbor’s good side in case of the apocalypse!”

Guys. Picking up groceries for your neighbor is getting on their good side in case of the apocalypse.

I’ve recently moved to a new neighborhood. I walk my dog here about four times a day.

I have adopted four surrogate mothers in the last two months. There are several elderly white ladies who check in with me about how my husband is doing and talk to me about how cute my dog is.

You know who’s going to be a good person to be friends with if I lose my job, or if I need someone to watch my dog because my husband is hospitalized, or if I need some cash to buy food because it’s the end of the month?

FOUR ELDERLY WHITE LADIES WHO THINK I’M JUST THE SWEETEST THING.

You know who is probably going to have access to prescription medication if I lose my health insurance? FOUR. WEALTHY. ELDERLY. WHITE. LADIES.

And I hate that I have to explain it that way because I didn’t go out and be like “muahahaha, I’ll befriend Bertie and she’ll let me use her air compressor if I’ve got a flat” I went out and was like “Hey I like your rabbit and it’s nice to meet you and that package looks heavy, can I help you carry it inside?” and I was like “Laurel, it’s good to see you, how are the kids; oh Otto needs his meds from the vet, do you want me to go grab them tonight? I’ve got to pick up dog food anyway.”

And look, this is a long con.

Could I flip Diane into lying to her GP to get me an inhaler today? No. But I can walk around the neighborhood with my exclusively black wardrobe and a “defund the police” tee shirt and then maybe those scary Atifas on the teevee don’t look like a faceless horde, they kind of look like Alli - you know, the one with the pink hair and the little white dog - from down the way who crocheted you a potholder because she had some extra yarn.

So here’s a simple set of reasons why it’s a good idea to befriend your neighbors and do shit like offer to walk their dogs, pick up their groceries, water their plants when they’re out of town, or provide emergency childcare:

BURST BUBBLES - I think people are frequently less ideologically isolated than the news likes to make out but nonetheless I look pretty weird to my neighbors and they look pretty weird to me. Offering to do shit like pick up their groceries humanizes you, and therefore people who are like you, to them. Also if you are dealing with elderly folks you MAY be dealing with people whose only source of contact with the outside world right now is Fox News and YouTube and it is MUCH better that they talk to you than that they sit there and watch Hannity for another hour or get into Qanon.

BUILD A SOCIAL SAFETY NET - Look, I couldn’t get Laurel to get me an inhaler right now, but if I knocked on her door with a broken arm she’d drive me to the hospital. That hasn’t been true of most of the places I’ve lived because I haven’t known the neighbors as well. And that is kind of a huge deal that I think a lot of people overlook. YEAH, getting to know your neighbors isn’t going to get your health insurance back but it’s going to make you WAY less stressed spending five hours waiting at the free clinic because Bertie is making sure your dog has food and water and can go for a short walk. “I don’t have a car and I can’t afford an ambulance and the buses aren’t running” - honey, try to make friends with your neighbors. Most neighbors who are even vague, wave-as-you-pass-by-on-the-street neighbors won’t begrudge you a ride to the hospital; someone you’ve picked up groceries for will DEFINITELY drive you to the hospital.

REDUCE THE IRON GRIP OF INDIVIDUALIST CAPITALISM - The HOA here is kind of a giant dick about weeds and yard management and what this means is that I bought a hedge clipper. What this also means is that my new neighbors next door do not need a hedge clipper because as soon as they moved in I was like “hey, welcome, I live next door, it’s great to meet you - if you ever need anything let me know; I’ve got gardening supplies and power tools and stuff or if you need a furniture dolly or anything, just ask. Have some banana bread, and a great day.” Bertie does have an air compressor. She does let people use it if they need to; this means that I do not have to buy an air compressor. You’ve got some free boxes because you just finished moving? Put ‘em out front so that someone else doesn’t have to go buy boxes. Laurel gave me a bag of pears from her tree, I gave a set of dog stairs that my dog hates to Andie, guess where I got a free motherfucking grill?

LEARN AND TEACH COMMUNITY SELF RELIANCE - If Bertie and Laurel and Andie and Diane and Susan know they can call me to come snake their toilets or fix their computers they don’t have to call out for that. Bertie is teaching me about not killing plants and how to garden in Las Vegas, Andie is willing to share her dumbbell set, etc, etc. You know that this sort of thing is really great for? Exchanging numbers with your neighbors. You know why you want your neighbors to have your number? So they don’t call the fucking cops on you for a noise complaint or report you to the HOA because they know you well enough to just call you instead.

RADICALIZE YOUR NEIGHBORS - Look, buddy, they aren’t going to listen to your ideas about a bright, better future if they don’t fucking know you. NONE of these folks are about to go do jail support with me, or host someone who needs a safe place to stay for an abortion, however ALL of them are a lot more open to the idea of mutual aid than they were three months ago and I’ve got one completely fucking flipped on her stance about providing housing to the homeless and she’s stopped calling the cops on people sleeping on benches in the park. Changing people’s minds sucks. It takes forever. It’s shitty, boring, unexciting work that puts you in contact with people you probably disagree with pretty strongly. It feels like you’re not accomplishing anything. But goddamnit if teaching ONE of your neighbors to be compassionate to unhoused people, at least enough to not call the cops on them, works even ONE time and someone doesn’t go to jail one time, or doesn’t get their belongings trashed one time, then you’re doing good fucking work.

So no, friend, picking up groceries for your neighbor isn’t going to save the ACA or protect abortion access - not in any direct, meaningful, noticeable way. But it might save you the cost of an ambulance ride. It might save someone else from getting arrested. Hell, if you teach your neighbors not to call the cops it might keep someone from getting shot. And that’s worth it.

SOME CAVEATS:

Don’t feel bad if you can’t build these kinds of affinity networks or if people don’t respond to you; some neighborhoods just aren’t like that, some people are just standoffish.

Don’t feel bad if you can’t do this kind of thing because of social anxiety or limited mobility. It’s okay, friend, not everybody can go out and meet people.

Don’t feel bad if you can’t do this kind of thing because it is unsafe for you to do so. Some people live among virulent racists, some people’s only neighbors are raging homophobes. Don’t endanger yourself, don’t feel bad for keeping yourself and your family safe if reaching out to your neighbors makes you a target.

Don’t feel bad if you can’t do this for any reason. It’s difficult and often unpleasant and you’re not obligated to, this post isn’t to guilt-trip anybody into going out to radicalize their neighbors, it’s an explanation of why small instances of interpersonal action can be a useful longterm strategy and shouldn’t be handwaved as pie-in-the-sky UwU lefty pipedreams.