The Only Have Sex With People You Are Attracted To Discourse May Be A Reaction Against Women And Teen

The “only have sex with people you are attracted to” discourse may be a reaction against women and teen girls (often lesbians in denial) being coerced into sex with people/men they didn’t want to have sex with, with their rapists not respecting “I’m not attracted to you” as a reason to refuse. So the logic is that if it’s a thing to have sex with people you’re not attracted to, that will be used as a weapon in lgbtq spaces to coerce/rape even more young women. Do you have thoughts on this?

Wanting to have sex with someone doesn’t require enthusiasm or attraction, but it does require want.

It’s up to the individual to decide if the desire to have sex with another person is rooted in expectations from others, or for personal interest.

I’ve had a lot of sex most of it wanted, some of it emphatically not, and some of it falling into an uncomfortable grey area.

I’m going to give examples of some of my sexual encounters, because humans are exceptional pattern matchers, and this is a very difficult and complex concept to express verbally. Usually it would be the kind of thing you learn from experience, first or second hand. So, here’s some experiences, second hand.

As an example of “enthusiastic consent,” there was a man I knew in college, let’s call him Kismet. Kismet and I had a very fraught relationship. We never dated, and in fact were rivals in our software development department. We had more shouting matches than not, about what constitutes meaningful fucking technical comments, primarily.

We also had a lot of extremely aggressive sex. We both looked forward to it at the end of long projects, and as I was something of a slut at the time, I enjoyed flirting shamelessly with pretty boys and girls in front of him as foreplay. When we fucked, it was with extreme desire on both our parts. We were hot college kids with a lot of emotions and shit. It was everything your entry level consent education courses say it should be: freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, explicit, specific.

I would consider that the kind of gold standard that a lot of people imagine, but it’s only one way to have consensual sex.

As another example of consent, I was a popular “practice partner” in school. I always happily agreed to let other queer kids use my body as a way to explore their own desires. It was fun. I wasn’t attracted to most of them, in fact I only remember two of them out of around a dozen. I doubt most of them were attracted to me, beyond the fact that I was representative of some kind of opportunity. We all had fun, learned about ourselves, and moved on. This is what consent looks like without attraction, but with enthusiasm.

I have long term partners, now. And lifelong disabling illnesses. Sometimes, we want to have sex, but it’s impossible to get the energy together to be excited by the idea of it. Sometimes, we have sex lazily or after taking my painkillers, to make the physical activity of it easier. This is what consent looks like, without enthusiasm, but with want.

I also do sex work. I was full service for a while, and that required a very different type of consent. I had no desire to sleep with my clients. Only one was even moderately attractive to me physically, and all of them were rude and condescending. But, I did want their money, and I was more than willing to provide a service to get it. So, by extension, I wanted to have sex with them, for reasons other than my own physical satisfaction.

It was the easiest work I’ve ever done, and if I hadn’t literally doubled my weight in the last 6 years, I would go back to it. Because it benefits me. This is what convent looks like with none of the trappings of desire. A choice made on the belief that it will benefit you. This is how you can want to have sex with a person, without wanting that person’s body or mind.

That’s where the bottom line of consensual sex lies for me.

Then there’s coercive rape.

That’s the name for the type of pressuring you describe. And I’ve been there too. Careless sex positivity that doesn’t adequately educate kids on what the bottom line of consent is, is one of the worst things that a victim of this kind of rape can use against themselves.

Sexual consent is, at its root, no different than contract consent or medical consent: if you’ve been lied to, or been pressured into signing, it’s not a valid deal. It’s just rape.

Knowing what consent looks like, in all its forms, can help keep kids from getting cornered into sexual experimentation they’re too young for, or too scared of, just because someone else tells them to.

But, so often, people focus on only a single form of consent, that gold standard one up there that I led with. And then every other consensual act on this list becomes a cloud of grey that covers up what consent can look like. And if you don’t know what it looks like, it’s too easy to get confused and end up lost and hurt.

The fault always lies with the rapist here (though in cases like this, many of them don’t even know they’re being rapists), but when you learn that you could have avoided it somehow, it’s very easy to say you SHOULD have avoided it, and wrack yourself with guilt.

The whole “nuanced discussions of consent will get more girls coercively raped” line of thought is fault.

By having nuanced discussions of consent, more men will realize that their behaviour is unacceptable, and more women will be given the confidence to explain exactly why it’s unacceptable.

These kinds of discussions benefit people.

If, after having been given all this information, a man still does not take “no” for an answer, then he was never operating in good faith to begin with, and needs to be kicked in the teeth and sent away until he gets his act together.

But, generally, people want to be good, and having a discussion about the myriad types of consent will help people be good.

Portal Fantasies rated against Narnia

for @heretherebebooks

The Golden Compass: didactically better. Wonderful world building, realistic children character, plot twisting plot. Actually understands kids’ intelligence levels and they are well developed characters with flaws as well. Terrifying villains and drunk warrior polar bears. Also this book was literally written to be the antithesis of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as the author viewed it as simplistic and overly religious. 

10/10 would recommend. Beware the golden monkey 

Stardust: subjectively worse. I’m not a Neil Gaiman fan, but I found this underwhelming. The movie was better, sorry, not sorry. Cool world but no pirates. Cute romance and I love that stars are people and the portal is super interesting. 

5/10 would recommend. Beware the Wall. 

The Phantom Tollbooth: weirdly better. This is a strange book. It’s funny and inventive and doesn’t always make sense, which is kind of the point. It’s absolutely ridiculous and so much fun. Invites and interesting perspective on life and logic. Lots of great word play and not enough women. Also, contains my favorite portal. 

6/10 would recommend. Beware nonsense. 

The Looking Glass Wars: imaginatively better. The best retelling of Alice in Wonderland and an awesome magic system, that’s actually magic. A great villain and a great hero, both women with amazing character arcs. Provides and interesting twist on familiar characters, with an actual dark side. Personally preferred over the story it’s based on. 

8/10 would recommend. Beware Charles Dodgson aka the douche Lewis Carroll

Every Heart a Doorway: creatively better. Has multiple portals to multiple lands and takes place after children have traveled to magical lands. Great take on portal fantasies and a unique take on the trope. It has an amazing emotional journey and an ongoing murder mystery as well. Loses one point for being too short. 

9/10 would recommend. Beware well meaning parents. 

In Other Lands: distinctly better. This is literally the funniest book I have read. Great queer rep and calls out portal fantasy tropes and sexist customs. Borderline satire and very clever. It has a grumpy and hysterical main character, who is well developed and goes through great character development over the book. Also has lots of magical creatures and focuses on friendship and promotes peace over violence. And there is total OTP material in there as well. 

10/10 would recommend. Beware unicorns and mermaids. 

A Darker Shade of Magic: just different. This series starts in a different world, but our world is what the character portals into. The magic is super cool and element based and there are pirates and princes and thieves. Action based, with a nice touch of romance and lots of politics that aren’t super difficult to follow but not overly simplified. Great villains and anti heroes abound. 

8/10 would recommend. Beware white. 

Daughter of Smoke and Bone: romantically better. This is the most beautiful of the novels on this list. Gorgeous prose and very mysterious. Great humor as well and a very interesting “other world” with fantastical creatures in every sense. A little slow at some points, but worth pushing through. The relationships are really well developed and dynamic and literally this book is just so pretty!!!! 

8/10 would recommend. Beware angles. 

Vampires • Werewolves • Dragons • Aliens • Faeries • Dystopias •  Angels/Demons • Animal Companions  • Mermaids

Top 10 Reasons to know Sign Langauge:

1. You can communicate through windows 2. Sign language is a 3-D Language 3. You can sign with your mouth full 4. Hearing parents can communicate with their Deaf child 5. You can sign underwater 6. Sign Language is a neat way to express yourself 7. You can communicate across a room or via mirror without shouting 8. Sign language is beautiful 9. You can make friends with Deaf people 10. Sign language brings together Hearing & Deaf people

While you're doing lower functions, anything for lower Si? I'm ENTP, if it helps. I'm ENTP if it doesn't, too!

Hello, ENTP. Have a Doctor Who gif.

Pay more attention to your body. Try yoga, dancing, exercise (hoop dancing is a great low-impact way to learn to be graceful and coordinated – it worked for me and it’s great at toning your body) or keeping a notebook where you jot down what you ate or did and how you felt afterward. (If you can learn what causes those discomforting twinges, you’ll stop thinking you’re dying whenever you get a stomach ache from drinking chocolate milk and eating twinkies at the same time. You’re not dying of cancer!)

Take time at the end of each day to think back through your memories, experiences, conversations, and feelings in order to categorize them and process them fully, so you can remember stuff later and/or deal with things as they happen, which will reduce later periods of guilt, anxiety after the fact, or feelings you might not have dealt with. Nobody wants that crap inferior Si dragging up old stuff out of the blue, right?

Devote some time to music. Si is good at recognizing that which it knows or has experienced. If you pay attention to music, you’ll start noticing patterns and being able to recognize who composed what over time (I’ve been doing this since I was a kid – I can now pick up, say, Han Zimmer or John Williams’ musical scores within a few bars of the opening theme because I recognize the tone, tenor, and instruments they often use; I do it with voices too – I can usually know who the actor speaking is before seeing their face / reading their name, even in animated films where they’re altering their voice – it’s a lot of fun!).

Try cooking. I know it requires paying attention and your taste buds might suck just like mine (seriously, unless it’s hot / sweet / spicy, I literally cannot taste it) – but it’s a skill that you can develop over time and Si is quite good at picking out individual tastes and/or recognizing flavors once you know what they are.

Do art of some kind. Any kind. Scrapbook (you don’t have to use family photos, you know; I like to do albums for family and friends of everything I admire or love about them, and use pictures from the internet). Draw. Paint. Craft. Make cards. Become an expert at gift-wrapping with coordinated ribbons and paper or learn to spray paint art. Anything that forces you to be hands-on creative instead of intellectually creative. Try woodworking, or calligraphy, or building things, or painting murals, or coloring books with ten thousand details. You do have natural abilities to pair colors, make something look attractive, etc., if you can just train yourself to notice and/or care. (Just like I recommended for the lower Se’s – get yourself to the library and check out books on cooking, crafting, fashion, interior design, building things, etc.) The more you know about many different things, the more resources you’ll have mentally stored up to use in life.

Do something about your environment. You don’t have to live in a sparse space unless you want to. Your Si-dom cousins are terrific at stuff like surrounding themselves with the fabrics, colors, scents, music, etc., that they like. You can do it too, but you need to spend time finding out what you love and discovering all the different detailed things that exist to help you! (You can’t do awesome things unless you know about the tools that are out there to create with.) Try lots of new things. Feel fabrics. Smell candles (just not too many at once, or you’ll get a headache from over-sensory-smell stimulation like I d… never-mind). Notice how the colors in a room impact you – do you feel peaceful and calm with this color, or nervous and agitated? What do you WANT to feel in this space? (If this color gives you energy, put it wherever you want to be creative; if it makes you feel peaceful, the bedroom or reading spot might be perfect.)

Slow down. I know it’s a pain in the butt, it makes you feel like the world is moving in slow motion, but the best things take time to learn. Try lots of things, but the ones you really like, slow down and try to do them well. Si’s often learn to be really good at something by practice and watching other people to learn techniques. Don’t only watch YouTube instructional videos if you get stuck. Try them first. Try and take pleasure in the process of learning.

Get in touch with your past. If you do this, you won’t have angst later, and you’ll be less weirdly sentimental over strange things  Feel free to think about the past – voluntarily rather than under stress or a period of self-loathing. Try making photo albums, keeping records, writing stories about what happened to you and when, painting pictures to represent periods in your life, whatever strikes your fancy – anything that connects you to memories and helps you ground yourself.

Train yourself to try new things. You do this all the time with Ne, in conceptual realms – now try doing it physically. Don’t always order the same thing at that restaurant. Try something new. Paint that piece of furniture. Go a different way to class. You hate ruts. Don’t get stuck in a sensory rut.

Writers: take a scene from a movie and recreate it in writing, but without any dialogue as a writing exercise. This forces you to describe the actions of the characters, what is going on in the background, how the light looks, what’s happening in the environment. You know, those details intuitive writers miss! If you can train yourself to do this, you’ll notice more in your real-life environment too. :)

- ENFP Mod

PS: Sorry, I know a lot of these examples are kinda feminine… I’m tired.

Straight dudes are their own worst enemies when it comes to getting laid.

Apartment hacks masterpost

Kitchen

How to clean up kitchen (particularly the sink, burnt pots and small aplliances)

How to take care of kitchen stuff so that it lives longer

10 commandments of a clutter-free kitchen

Organizing kitchen mini masterpost

5 things to do in the kitchen before you go to bed

What is soapy bowl and why it’s awesome

How to organize your fridge (also here, here and here)

Thins you should know about your fridge

Adding more storage space in a tiny kitchen

Cleaning

Lots of cleaning tutorials and tips. And some more

How to clean up pantry

How to make your house look cleaner than it really is

How to wash pillows

Cleaning the bathroom

How to clean the nastiest places (and get rid of bad smells, etc.)

Floor-to-celling guide to spring cleaning

Recaulking your bathtub

Cleaning grout

How to dispose of toxic waste

Cleaning the medicine cabinet

How to make chores more fun

You mustn’t skip these chores, but you can delay these if you’re busy

Easily forgotten things that you should clean/replace

Why you need a catch-up day

Small cleaning tasks to do in under 15 minutes (also here)

Looking for a flat/moving

First apartment checklist

Where too look during an apartment hunt (and some more tips)

Negotiate these things with your landlord

What to do first in a new place

What do clean before moving out

How not to get crazy during moving flats

How to downgrade to a smaller place

Organisation, storage

10 habits for better home organisation

How to store off-season items

10 storage ideas for small spaces (more here)

Storage secret weapons

How to organise your closet

Things to do before twice-yearly closet switchout

How to store and maintain your sweaters

Decluttering

Why it feels great

How to get rid of clutter

How to declutter (not only a flat)

What needs to be thrown away from your flat

How to let go of the things you no longer need

Things you own too many of; you can throw away these too

Decuttering the bathroom

Decluterring masterpost

Decorating

Projects for every room in your home/flat

Add style to your home

DIY decorating ideas

How to use negative space

4 common decorating mistakes and how to avoid them

Questions to ask yourself before buying something new

How to choose furniture that’ll be easier to clean

Season-specific tips

Things to do before the cold season

Household hacks for winter

Preparing for Christmas

Green thumb 101

How to take care of succulents

Never kill a plant again

Living alone / Sharing a flat

How not to be lonely when living alone

12 things you can only do when home alone

What you learn by living alone

Things you learn while sharing a flat

What to pack when leaving for a dorm

How to seamlessly share a kitchen (or a flat in general)

Safety issues to discuss with flatmates

Benefits of living with strangers

And also how to turn a house into a home