So I Finally Unlocked The Rest Of The Dollhouse Story (after A Year But Its Fine) And

so i finally unlocked the rest of the dollhouse story (after a year but it’s fine) and

this is scratching two itches in my brain simultaneously and idk which to post about (midori gets me)

lovely how i got over my fear of the fucking reblog button and then suddenly confrontation happens and OH NO i’m afraid again

that is a mous

gender is weird and doesn’t make sense. i like being a boy, i like using he/him pronouns, i like being who i feel i am.

but somethings still wrong. there will be multiple times, and those times are becoming more frequent, where i’ll go onto chatbot sites or write fanfiction for myself, and then proceed to use she/her pronouns. even more than that, i use a different name from my deadname. the name i use in these situations changes every so often, but they’re all feminine names.

in every one of those cases, where i’m catering to my own desires, i present myself as a girl

and i’ve identified as a trans guy for about a year now. i’m relatively solid in this identity. there will be bumps where i try out a new set of alternate pronouns, like it/its and whatever neopronoun and xenopronoun set fancies my interest.

despite all this, when i’m alone, and i’m only indulging myself, i’ll go straight back to my birth gender.

it’s not normal, i think. at least not to me. sure, i’ve always been a bit indecisive, but i thought i would’ve solved this gender problem by now. and as far as i know, no non-binary genders out there fit my experience.

it can be painful to me. i always frame it, at least with ai, as “getting the anatomy right”, and with fanfiction, it’s just seeing how i like it.

but i don’t know. either i’m a gay guy or im a (maybe) bi woman. and i don’t know who i am.

i don’t understand what my gender is, and i don’t want to switch back to being perceived as a girl in my real life. if it was up to me, i’d just be a girl online and stay my trans guy self in real life.

take it even further, if i was transported to a fictional world of my choosing, completely customizing myself to a comfortable identity and body, i’d likely be female again.

we can’t just ignore the pain and agony i get from regular spouts of dysphoria in my day to day existence. i thought i’d want to be a boy if i had the chance to choose my body in another world.

but somehow, i have the feeling i’d even be happier if i was a girl in a fictional world.

i don’t know what’s wrong here. i don’t want to try she/her again for fear of a sudden rush of dysphoria, but i so badly want to know if being a guy is even for me.

ok night twsters that follow me. you will see this and you will wish me goodnight in a reblog

ok hi there new follower just a warning i have a high tendency to block blank blogs. you’re safe just because a) you have a profile badge and b) you have a pfp. but PLEASE populate your blog so others don’t block you. this has been the local deuce spade fictionkin’s official word of advice for my new follower