This Shit Hurt

this shit hurt 🥲

𝗷𝘂𝗱𝗮𝘀 𝗸𝗶𝘀𝘀

!! 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘀𝘁 !!

It was you and Soobin’s one year anniversary.

You remembered things like that, special little occasions that commemorated some momentous event. You felt that if you could always remember to celebrate the occasions, you could keep a grasp on whatever it commemorated, drag it out, nurture it, keep it alive.

It has been one whole year dating the most wonderful boy! A kind, beautiful boy who gave you a chance when everyone else didn’t even spare a glance. Sometimes, you felt like it was too good to be true. An ugly girl like you, hanging out with Choi Soobin? Dating Choi Soobin? How ridiculous it seems some days… that the two of you have even lasted this long. Maybe it was all a dream, and one day you would wake up and it'd just be you again. Only, that too seemed unfathomable. How could you be alone again, now that you were used to Soobin?

You couldn't…

For this special day, you decided to write him a letter, to finally let down all the walls you once had built up so high, and put forth all your emotions you’d kept concealed for so long. Raw and real, albeit on a piece of paper. And you decided to bake him a cake! A dark chocolate cake that didn’t look all that pretty and didn’t taste exceptionally delicious, but you had tried your best and really, isn’t that all you needed to do? Try your best and ye shall succeed.

You wrapped up the cake in a cute little gift box you had picked out, decorated in a pretty bow, hoping the neatly industrial made package will make up for the mediocre mess of a cake hiding inside. To top it off, you folded your letter in an envelope placed on the curly ribbon.

The plan was to surprise him at the dance studio, because who doesn’t like surprises? You had read they can be just as great as a gift itself. And because you were so excited, never having to been able to do something like this before, you even stopped by a flower shop on the way to buy a pretty little bouquet of yellow roses — to represent joy and friendship AND because it’s a bright, happy color that represented the way Soobin had made you feel ever since he stepped into your world.

There was a pep in your step as you walked down the hall towards his practice room, the box and bouquet clutched tightly in your embrace. Your heart swelled, and you felt so giddy, so happy to give your love. But an uneasiness began to swarm; what if Soobin doesn’t like the gift? What if Soobin thinks the flowers are ugly? What if Soobin thinks the whole anniversary thing is dumb?

What if Soobin..

“So are you like actually dating her now?”

You were almost outside the door to the practice room when you heard a voice.. Beomgyu, another member of the dance team Soobin was on. Quietly, you made your way over to the small window in the door; you could see their reflections on the mirrors. Three boys lounging lazily on the laminate floor a few feet apart from each other. Instead of popping in and presenting the gift you had prepared for your boyfriend, you remained outside, deciding to eavesdrop on their conversation instead.

“Wasn’t that part of the game plan?” Soobin spoke next.

“Well, the game plan was just to get her to have sex with you,” Yeonjun sniggered, and Soobin only narrowed his eyes at his friends— the atmosphere unpleasant. You felt the air suddenly become stiff, unsure of who they were talking about; hoping, praying it didn’t involve you…

“Yeah well, I needed her to trust me? So yeah, I guess I dated her for awhile.”

“But it's different now, right?" Yeonjun smirked, but it wasn’t a pleasant look on his usual charming face.

"What the fuck do you mean?" Soobin’s smile faltered.

"Y/N means more to you now, doesn't she?” A name drop. You had never felt your heart beat so quickly and loud. You held your breath— you couldn't breathe, you were so nervous. The hand holding cake shook— your entire body shook.

“You have feelings for her now. Do you actually love her?” Yeonjun laughed bitterly, and you wondered what about that was so funny. But then your reality began crashing down all around you…

Does he not?

But it was Soobin who came to you with the kindest of smile, like an angel— like a beacon of color, that instantly lit up your dull, dark world. He chose you out of everyone! He’d seen you at your worst and stayed right by your side; He was your security and comfort; He’d shown you love when no one else ever had. He had given you the world and more because he loves you... Soobin LOVES you…

…Right?

"I don't know what you're talking about," Soobin finally answered. “It was just a game. Do I love her,” a disgusted scoff, "Like come on! Open your eyes, have you seen her?”

"You're lying, Soobin~” Beomgyu teased, head thrown back in almost manic laughter.

"Whatever. Look, I got her into bed, we fucked, okay? Pay up."

You watched with large eyes as Yeonjun chuckled and took out his wallet. How much was that? 10,000. 1, 2, 3, 4...10. So 100,000 won then. Your heart shattered as you watched the boy you once believed to be the savior of your life easily collect his reward he earned out of making an utter fool out of of you, your feelings, your body…

And just like that, you felt your world collapse.

You really were nothing more than a joke.

The gifts you had spent so much time and effort on fell carelessly to the ground, with the cake box and bouquet crashing against the tile. And Soobin unwittingly met your eyes through the window.

"Y/N," Soobin whispered, eyes wide. Then louder, "Y/N!" He jumped up from the floor and bolted towards the door, where you were still standing motionlessly. "Y/N, listen." Soobin reached his hand out, intending to take you by the shoulder. But you flinched and backed away. Your eyes stared at Soobin’s, so helpless and hurt. His throat tightened. “Y/N, it's not true. I didn't mean—“ Soobin tried again to reach for you, but this time you slap his hand away. It wasn't a malicious slap, just one in self-defense, fighting for survival, just like you always did before “Y/N..."

The other two were watching, eyes first shocked, then unreadable. Neither of you notice.

"Y/N, we need to talk. I didn't mean—“

"Sorry." Your voice came out in a weak croak. "Sorry, I didn't know..."

"What?" Soobin looked panicked now. "No, I should be apologizing. Y/N, I'm the one who's sorry—“

"—I thought you were okay with...but I..." You were beginning to walk away even as you reached for the words. Your bleary eyes fixed on the ground— you couldn't bear to look at Soobin, not for another second. "I didn't know you would be so... repulsed. But I should have, of course. Who would want— want me?" You laughed self-deprecatingly, broken tears slipping down your face as what felt like a million knives plunged mercilessly into your heart. You knew it. You always knew this was too good to be true.

Yet you fell for it. Always falling for it.

He never loved you.

No one would ever love you.

You wanted to pick up your feet and run. Soobin was reaching for you again, but you yelled "No, don't touch me! I'm stupid. I was the one who misunderstood. Just don’t touch me."

And finally, you did run.

And Soobin just stared after you, frozen as his world collapsed on him, too.

no bc this was me with beomgyu

BAEKHYUN, UN VILLAGE (2019)

i love being in bed like yea everything is terrible but at least i’m in bed

wow…

wow