I Don't Know What I Want To Do With My Life. I'm Scared, I Don't Want To Do Anything. I Don't Have A

i don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm scared, I don't want to do anything. I don't have a strong passion. Maybe I'm not even a real person.

Just let me curl up in a bed and sleep for an eternity...

learned that lesson the hard way.

just a reminder that it is not normal to think of ways to kys whenever an inconvenience occurs

PLEASSEEE I NEED SOME ATTENTIONN ((o(>A<)o)) /nf

My discord is Nozomi Kaizoku #0644 btw :3

Never though my mom would be able to simultaneously agree with me on something, but damn.

I vented on an online assignment about my hopelessness for the future (cause technically it was kind of related to what the assignment prompt was supposed to be, so fuck it), and in it I mentioned how it's highly likely that I'm probably gonna die via a school shooting because of how many there have been in the past while. By pure coincidence, another school shooting was talked about on the news right before I did that assignment.

Yesterday while I was getting evaluated to see if I could come back to school next week, the assignment was brought up, and they specifically mentioned the part about the school shootings, and idk what went through my mom's mind, but let's just say I'm pretty sure it opened her eyes up to what I as experiencing (partially).

I say this because she was talking to my dad about it, and she mentioned how she understood where I was coming from and that it wasn't a huge surprise I was feeling this hopeless, and honestly I wholeheartedly agree with her.

It disturbs me so much how there's millions of kids out there that have been killed, yet for some stupid reason, not only does the government actively refuse to pass gun restrictions that could save lives while still keeping the 2nd amendment intact, they are instead blaming every problem that this country has on the the LGBTQ, POC, people in 3rd world countries, the disabled, the mentally ill, trans people, the homeless--LITERALLY EVERYHTING AND EVERYONE BUT THE ACTUAL ISSUE, AND HONESTLY IT'S NO SURPRISE AT ALL WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES, THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE BECUASE SOME RICH FUCKS WOULD RATHER SHOVE MONEY UP THEIR ASS THAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHOOTING CRISIS WE GOT!!!

Honestly, fuck the school system, fuck the constitution, fuck America, fuck everyone, I can't take it anymore, and I wish there was something worth living for.

Oh well, let's just go back to school next week and pretend like everything's okay for the next fucking several months until I can finally drop out and live the rest of my life as a NEET living in my parent's house at 30 something years old i guess..

When you are a borderline

Sadness feels like suicide.

Anger feels like murder.

Distance feels like abbandonment.

Joy feels weird and unknown.

Being in love feels like being an inconvenience.

Loving someone feels like losing control.

Losing someone feels like dying.

Happiness feels like unbearable euphoria.

Feeling normal feels like feeling nothing.

Now put all that in a single week.

One thing that genuinely pisses me off is how my dad will constantly point out me, my sister, and my mom's shortcomings and be so quick to blame us for it, yet when we point out his shortcomings that are genuinely harmful, all of a sudden he's "being invalidated", and that we "hurt his feelings" and shit, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CONSIDER HOW WE FEEL EITHER WHICH FUCKING SUCKS!

Literally just today my parents were arguing about how my mental health was affecting my ability to attend school, and he's over there saying "oh, we should put [him] in a boarding school", "[he]'s doing this on purpose" yap yap yap, basically blaming me for all of this shit. (I put m pronouns in the brackets cause he was misgendering me the whole time btw)

And then I go an step out to get something, he calls me over, and basically just starts shaming me (in front of my mom an sister btw) for getting suspended and sharing how I feel about mr. Gonzales n shit, and when my mom tried to explain and elaborate on something to him, he completely blew her off.

And my mom (bless her heart btw) was literally trying to defend this asshole because she loves him, like a lot, and I feel bad that she has to put up with this tbh.

"he didn't know, he's trying his best" Not only does he know, HE'S SAYING THESE THINGS IN THE MOST DEGRADING MATTER POSSIBLE JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR GETTING SUSPENDED, AND I JUST SJFJKFHERUFERFHR /NEG

Also, I accidentally bought $20 worth of shit on Thursday because he gave me his credit card to buy a soda, and he got in trouble for letting me go out and spend that much, and instead of holding himself accountable, he decides to drag it to today (TWO DAYS LATER) and complain about him "being thrown under the bus", like I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE THE 50 SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN BEING PUT IN CHARGE OF MYFINACIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE MENTALLY ILL ASS, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE FUCKING CREDIT CARD AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO STOP ME.

and oh man am I getting genuinely tired of his fucking trauma dumping.

He talks about how his mental health and how angry he is at something, yet when we have the AUDACITY to try and talk about how WE feel, instead of taking the time to listen and understand, he basically dismisses us and does this thing I personally call "fake praising" (which is basically when he gives someone praise but it's in such a condescending and almost sarcastic tone to where it doesn't feel like genuine praise at all), and even straight up invalidates us n shit, it's fucking infuriating man.

And the fucked up part? whenever my mom does these things, all of a sudden it's this horrible abusive thing and that he's a selfish bitch, which upsets me because unlike him, she doesn't have as much control over it (though she's working on it), and both she and I have BPD, which makes this even more fucked up because he's so quick to judge us for the same shit he does just because we have a mental illness we can't control.

It infuriates me so much how he's quick to dismiss other people's struggles and sometimes tell them it's their fault, and then the minute he receives ANY amount of criticism against genuinely shitty actions, all of a sudden he's a victim?? FUCK THAT!

I'd say he has a big ego and it's becoming an issue, but i don't want to give the NPD community any shit (since they already got so much stigma on their hands), and I'm not gonna say he's faking any of this either, cause that's not okay, but he REALLY heeds to get a therapist to talk to instead of dumping his issues on the rest of his family.

OH! did I forget to mention he makes weird comments bout my body without my consent anytime I dress alternatively, and he's told me in the past that I have an "athlete's body"? Yeah, kind of weird..

He does ALL of this, and yet still wonders why I hate him.

man is it infuriating...

EDIT: forgot to mention that he doesn't even go to my appointments, nor has he even MET my therapist, or any of that shit, so he has no right to even talk about my mental health like that.

Also, he's extremely invasive about how my medications are working and if I took them n shit, and he says it's "so I can know if my coworker Brian can be prescribed them".

like first off the medications working bit is something for my doctor to ask, not you, second off, I get if you're reminding me, but for you to basically come at me and yell at me for not taking them and then acting like I got angry because I didn't take those medications because "I can tell that you're off them", and third off, if Brian really wanted to talk about my medications so that he can speak with his doctor about it, he should talk with me directly so that he can know first hand how it works and what the side effects are, he doesn't need to have my dad (who has no knowledge about mental health medications whatsoever) come and ask invasive questions about my medications and risk spreading harmful misinformation that's gonna get him killed.

Let's just say I'm probably gonna have him talk to my therapist on my behalf so that he actually, yknow, LEARNS NOT TO BE A FUCKING DICK TO THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM??