Its So Late, You Cant Sleep For Anything. Your Insomnia And Anxiety Nagging At You, Keeping You From

It’s so late, you can’t sleep for anything. Your insomnia and anxiety nagging at you, keeping you from your slumber.

Your f/o eventually finds you awake, concerned at how late in the night it is. They drag you to bed, mumbling something about taking care of yourself. They lay down with you, turning out the light and pulling you close, your head falling on their chest. They stroke your hair in hopes of calming you enough to feel tired, sneaking the covers over the both of you.

“Sleep, love, you deserve the rest” They hum, reassuring you that it’s okay, resting their hand on the back of your neck as you finally doze off.

Me writing about me from my pov: She was a little pretty, and a little kind, and a little plain and quiet. She was a little of a lot of things, but a whole lot of nothing else. 

Me writing about me from my f/o’s pov: She was so unimaginably angelic, it was a miracle heaven hadn’t opened to snap her up where she belonged. She was strikingly kind, and the air of peace in her eyes made one feel calm just looking at her. It was frankly hard to speak to her, if only because it made one feel horribly flustered to do so.

Your f/os won’t hate you if you relapse. They aren’t ashamed or disappointed. They still love you, and will do whatever they can to make you feel better.

imagine cooking with your f/o. you're perched on the kitchen counter, a cookbook open in your lap while they're bustling around chopping vegetables and measuring out spices at your instruction ("oh god, did i say 1/2 cup?? i meant 1/4" "eh, it'll probably be fine"). imagine they give you little tastes from the pot when they stir it, insisting you have to try just a tiny bit because i don't know if i put enough salt in, is that good? does it need more? but really their heart squeezes in their chest every time you give a pleased little mm, perfect and look at them with that proud sparkle in your eyes.

imagine they put on music and the kitchen is filled with the warm, savory scent of food and your f/o's singing as they dance from place to place, checking a timer here, turning a stovetop down there, popping leftover bits from the cutting board into their mouth. you remind them before they can burn whatever's in the oven; they throw a "what would i do without you?" over their shoulder, laughing. it's safe here, a golden bubble of warmth for just the two of you to rest in. they nudge you to put just a little more in your bowl— you had a long day, surely you're hungry? they want their love to be well fed ♡ definitely not because they're itching to watch you eat their cooking and see you sated and happy and half falling asleep on their shoulder, no sir

on perfectionism

There's a difference between striving for self-improvement and being a perfectionist. Working hard to do a good job or to be a better person is laudable. Being a perfectionist makes those things harder to accomplish.

The goal of being "perfect" isn't to improve, it's to avoid shame. If you're aiming for "perfect" instead of "better" then you're probably full of self-doubt and constantly worried about disappointing yourself and/or others. These negative emotions make it harder to take risks and try new things. They make it harder to experiment or to reach beyond your current skill level.

Perfectionists also spend their time focused on the end result. This means that they lose a lot of learning during the process or journey they took on their way to finishing. It also means they can fall into a trap of procrastination. If it's never finished then they'll never be judged for doing a bad job.

If you have perfectionist tendencies, you probably learned them from those around you. Either they are perfectionists and expect you to be one too or their actions pressured you into trying to be perfect in order to escape some form of pain.

Are you constantly being told that you're not good enough? That the things you do aren't done well enough? Are you punished severely for every mistake that you make? Are people always comparing you to someone else who's "better" than you are and asking why you aren't like them?

Perfectionism is a way of protecting yourself from those kinds of attacks and the way they make you feel.

Getting out of the loop of perfectionism takes a lot of time and practice and might also require the help of a therapist. But there are some things you can try to help you ease out of it, at least a little bit.

Give yourself the positive feedback you aren't getting from others. Positive self-talk and encouragement can counter some of the negativity you're otherwise being exposed to.

Allow yourself to make mistakes in areas of your life where those negative people aren't involved. Perhaps even do it in complete privacy at first. Make a mistake and feel the shame and disappointment, but follow that up with positive self-talk. Congratulate yourself on taking a step away from perfectionism. Find something beautiful or funny in the mistake. Realize that you're still okay, even though you aren't perfect.

And above all, remind yourself that your value doesn't come from being perfect. It doesn't come from the things you produce or the actions you do to support others. Your value is inherent and immutable. You're worthy because you exist. You are here and you are wonderful and you are loved. ❤️

When you are feeling particularly worthless or just plain unwanted, imagine your f/o(s) to take notice. They will come to you and reassure you. They will tell you that you're everything to them. Your f/o(s) will sit beside you, hold you until you're feeling better. Even if you don't feel instantly better, they just want to offer any kind of comfort you could need.

They could never see you as worthless or unwanted because they love you with their whole heart.