Reblog This For Suicide Prevention.

Reblog this for suicide prevention.

No WONDER I have back problems.. I b carrying around this BIG ass heart all mf day

𝙾𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚊 𝙶𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚗 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚜, 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎.

I’m trapped. Literally. I’m constantly facing my triggers, again and again and again and again and again and again

I’m trapped inside my own head. I stare into space and everything becomes blurry, I’m back to where it all started. The emptiness, the abandonment, and the urge to self destruct.

Let the count down begin.

The amount of times my tears have just come out of nowhere.

I can’t control when I cry.

It just happens. I can’t stop it, I can’t prevent it, and I don’t know how to go about my day to day life. School, band, home life, when I’m around my boyfriend.

With my cptsd, I always have to put a cover around those I’m with. To appease them, calm the beast. Keep them happy, not angry not frustrated not sad not quiet not hurting

I have to keep them non threatening.

The truth is, all of the above are triggering. When they raise their voice, unnecessary cussing, when they have an attitude torwards me. When they’re quiet.

I have to shove trying to distance myself from them being triggering to keep them happy.

Because if I try to do what’s best for me, I always upset them. And that adds stress on me.

It’s a constant clusterfuck

I was tired of being in the shadow of another.

Tired of paying for the crimes of another

Accused.

Tired of him berating every single thing that made me happy. That made me feel something.

Something other than feeling panic or numb

A laugh escaped my lips as I scrolled. He scoffed, “ that’s so fucking stupid. I can’t believe people do that shit. What the hell.”

Instant shut down. The smile was gone. That little spark blown away. So I scrolled away, turned off the phone and stayed silent.

Numb.

Countless times something or someone made me happy. Only for him to come knocking it down like a Jenga tower.

Now I’m left to rebuild the pieces, only for him to come another day.

I hardly feel anything.

I am just so fucking empty.