I Love The Idea That Kakyoin Is Fucking Huge Too, And Like Not In An Over-exaggerated, Big-ass Shoulders

I love the idea that Kakyoin is fucking huge too, and like not in an over-exaggerated, big-ass shoulders and corset waist way either. I mean his parents got increasingly more and more concerned the older he got because he just kept going— up and up passing his mother and then his father and now they’re like, are we just Japanese???? Is there something else here???? But no Kakyoin is just fucking huge.

He’s more ‘lean-body’ huge though. Like long face and unsettling limbs kind of way. His eyes are sharp and he’s always looking around and thinking very intensely and it shows on his face. He’s just. . . Unsettling in general. Uncanny valley autistic. He also doesn’t talk to people he doesn’t know well, unless they say something and his brain connects two thousand little dots to add in to the conversation.

Which Does Not Help Him not be uncanny. For example:

“Aw man, I love Mario cart.”

Kakyoin, connecting ‘cart’ with those plastic traycarts he saw in an American film once. Then connecting the word ‘film’ with another American film ‘The Breakfast club’ he watched on the couch with Jotaro. They were eating Twizzers because Jotaro’s grandfather brought them some. ‘Twizzer’ was the nick-name of famous baseball player, Nick Jones. In his run of ‘78 he had a knee brace after his third year because of a botched surgery. ‘Surgery’ requires certain preventive measures to insure safety, therefore-

“I have strong feelings towards the misuse of Anaesthetics.”

So he’s just fucking weird and large all the way around, no matter how you frame it. But here’s the thing, yes, Kakyoin is big, and yes, he does shock some people when they only see him sitting down and suddenly he stands up— but he’s around Jotaro most of the time and Jotaro is built like a brick wall without the plaster. He puts the ‘cake’ in hit television show, ‘Cake Boss’. Motherfucker is so large when he walks in a house built more than ten years ago you can tell because the walls shake. He boobies breastily down the stairs and when he tittily picks up the pan to make some eggs his doubles Ds clap, alerting all newborns within a forty mile radius.

I should probably mention, I know canonically he’s flat as fuck but LET me be delusional PLEASE. You could play bongos on this man’s asscheeks PLEAZE LESIETN TO EM

Man, I love engaging in my special interest!

[three hours later] I wish I was born a boy

Hi! I made a fanfiction because the brain rot couldn’t be confined to one space.

Please be kind, this is my first fanfiction since I’ve been in middle school

Thank you for encouraging my insanity!!

any hazamada headcanons?

I really really need to crane my sights onto more characters outside of part three because part four is so good specifically because there are so many reaccuring characters. Like, I remember seeing Hazamada and thinking, ‘Oh, he’s a little funky, I like him.’ And then not expecting to ever see him again and then I remembered this was part four we’re talking about here— there’s so many little side quests and I love it. So, yes!! I do have some Hazamada headcannons!! Let me know how you like them, I’d love to hear!

He gets ideas from other people. What I mean by that is you know when you see someone buy something and you passed the thing already and didn’t even think about buying it, but now you’ve seen someone else buy it and it’s like, ‘Awe shucks, I should’ve bought that’ ?

Hazamada. Hazamada does that. Except he has no shame about it. Like Josuke and Okuyasu are talking about going to a bakery to get that limited addition cake for this upcoming festival and it wiggles into Hazamada’s mind who’s sitting a bench over. He saw the ads already; could not have given less of a shit. But now he’s already half way to this stupid bakery to buy this stupid cake.

He gained consciousness like two months ago and still hasn’t gotten used to it. He looked out the window in math class and was like, ‘I’m gonna die one day.’ And has been off kilter ever since. Koichi found him trying to transfer his working mind into his stand like some sort of freak immortality glitch by pressing his forehead really hard against it and holding his breath. His lips were turning blue. Koichi had to call Jotaro. Jotaro told him if he ever became immortal from that he would lock him in a metal box and throw him in the ocean. Hazamada believed him.

Hazamada fucking hates cheese. Can’t stand it. When he was a kid his mom wouldn’t tell him there was cheese in something but he knew. It was like a sixth sense. He also knew if she used the same knife to make him a peanut butter and jam sandwich. On that note, he was also the kid who wouldn’t eat a sandwich if you didn’t cut it right.

His favourite idol had a buzz cut so he got one as a tribute to them but found out he had a weird shaped head so he worn a hat until it grew out. Now his hair is super layered because he didn’t leave the tuft of hair at the top of his head so it would grow back even. His hair is so dark and fine nobody can tell.

He tried to make his stand look like his childhood dog but it couldn’t make the right shape so it just turned into a really fucked up realistic furry and it scared him so bad that he still has to sleep with his blankets pulled over his face.

Hazamada doesn’t actually have insomnia but he likes the look of ‘crusty no sleep’ so he obsessively researched special effects in movies (movies are his long time, recurring hyperfixation btw) and found out how to make himself look as sleep deprived as possible. When people ask him why he looks so tired he gets super proud and hides it so badly. He makes a killing on Halloween though. I headcannon he has some American cousins and him and his family visited around that time when he was a kid so he’s uber invested in Halloween and takes it way too seriously back in Japan.

I don’t know how to explain to the poor woman at the youth centre that the man I was talking about isn’t real

Time shifting

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I wanted this but the original poster is transphobic