I Can't

I can't 🖤

“My art teacher used to say “don’t add the black paint until you’re ready for a finished product” and I never listened. So I painted with my black paint a little too soon, a little too much, a little too dark, a little too passionate, a little too addicted to the night, I always enjoyed the starry sky. My art teacher used to say “kiet, i know that you love her, i see it, you two are my favorite couple” and I never listened. So I broke her heart at night as she gripped her chest while I did, as she hid her heart while I bit, as she held her tongue while I kissed, as she ran from me, while I chased. I always enjoyed the lustful parts, but I miss the gentle parts more. My art teacher used to say “black is dominance, black is overwhelming, and black is torture, but black must be controlled” but I never listened. Because it never made much sense, I didn’t make much sense of anything except for her. I tried to make sense out of a human being, my human being. A lover, my lover, and you know what the truth is all about? People don’t make sense. Love has no sense of direction. People are chaotic. Love is chaos. People are nature’s kiss. Love, the lips. People are timeless. Love is timed. She was natural. I was the fucking disaster. There is a quote out there that goes, and you’ll know why people are named after storms, why hurricanes are named after girls and you know what? She wasn’t any of those things, I was. I was the earthquake that shook her buildings down and they crashed into her heart; that explains the cracks. I was the wildfire that burnt through her magical forest and the rabbit lost more time; that explains Alice in wonderland. I was the calm eye of the storm that had one sweet angle and 20 more reasons to fuck her over; my insides said I love you, but my outsides said I hate you that explains the obsession, this hopeless romantic poetry bullshit. I was a flood, and her eyes the land, her eyes the gates, her eyes the drowned city. I was the big bang, and her soul the many universes within universes, the many stars followed by comet showers, the wishing stars that never came true, the first time the moon met the sun, love at first sight, forever separated, the moon crashing into the sun, night and day never being one until dawn came and twilight clouds rained her name and my name was shot across the eons of lightyears and no one hears me scream in space except for her and she does care, but these type of blackholes suck up everything! They destroy everything, a still painting dripping with black paint and I wanted to love her and all of this time I thought that she was the black paint, but it was me, who was the paint. And I took all of her light, a black hole in space kissing the suns of my theory one last time, into the darkness they went and back to the darkness that they came from. And my art teacher used to say “don’t add the black paint until you’re ready for a finished product” I finally listened. So I let go of her a few days ago. I told myself that I needed to stop. Stop talking to her like she was the sunset we all adored and how her eyes meant the world, and if it meant that she’d wink butterflies into the pit of my stomach, I’d die as a self-imploding star. So I stopped myself from being more black paint, I crossed out her face with my own fingers and kissed her one last time. My art teacher used to say “because this black paint is undoing, you cannot paint over it with white, the black is so dense, it’s raw, it’s real it stops all hints of color under it over and over it. because this is art and art is life, art is poetry and art is love, because art is everything and anything” So I became the nights she had to sleep alone, so I became the nights I cried to sleep, so I became free from her love and I finally understood my art teacher, I finally understood my ex. “black paint is the purest color and lightest of color if used correctly with the right amount of care and tender.” add a little black with white and you’ll have grey. add a little black with red and you’ll have my bleeding heart. add a little black with blue and you’ll have her bruised lips. add a little black with yellow and you’ll have her eye colors. add a little black to my soul, and you’ll have lust. add a little black to my heart, and you’ll have her. And I could swear I heard my art teacher say “you’ll let go of her one day when you’re ready, you’ll add red over all of your paintings because they’ll remind you of her lips, it’ll be your favorite color, you’ll add blue over your roses because red has too much passion, it’s on fire and sometimes we have to appreciate the beauty of weirdness, poetry and art is weird, the best kind, you’ll add pale yellow for her skin tone and you’ll add dark, dark brown near lonely tree trunks because it’ll remind you of her eyes that cried every night because you didn’t know how to love, young kids finding slipped pants and unhooked bras more satisfying than adding black paint to solidify a relationship that could’ve been, and you’ll add your last drop, the finishing touch, you’ll be the black paint, and she’ll be the finished product.” and I finally listened. I finally listened to my art teacher. So I let you go, baby. The world is your canvas and I was the black paint. His lips your new black paint, and you, his unfinished product.”

— My art teacher used to say don’t add the black paint until you’re ready for it to be over, she was right. // k.c.

50 Quotes About Kissing

1.

Kiss me and you will see how important I am.

—Sylvia Plath

2.

Kiss me until I forget how terrified I am of everything wrong with my life.

—Beau Taplin

3.

How she felt when he kissed her—like a tub of roses swimming in honey, cologne, nutmeg and blackberries.

—Samuel Sullivan Cox

4.

He took her into his arms again, using all his strength to be gentle, and let his lips touch hers so lightly he could hardly feel it.

—Morgan Llywelyn

5.

His kisses tapped into deep mines of memory, and the years that had separated us fell away as if they were nothing.

—Lisa Kleypas

6.

A kiss is a secret told to the mouth instead of the ear; kisses are the messengers of love and tenderness.

—Ingrid Bergman

7.

And we were kissing like drowning people breathe—like suddenly we’d discovered something that has never been so sweet before that moment.

—Morgan Matson

8.

The kiss itself is immortal. It travels from lip to lip, century to century, from age to age. Men and women garner these kisses, offer them to others and then die in turn.

—Guy de Maupassant

9.

I kiss her. I kiss her and kiss her. I try not to bite her lip. She tastes like vodka honey.

—Lidia Yuknavitch

10.

We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.

—Eduardo Galeano

11.

It was the kiss of a man who had waited years for the moment, and feared that it would never come again.

—Jana Oliver

12.

The first kiss can be as terrifying as the last.

—Daina Chaviano

13.

It was a kiss to level mountains and shake stars from the sky. It was a kiss to make angels faint and demons weep…a passionate, demanding, soul-searing kiss that nearly knocked the earth off its axis.

—Lisa Kleypas

14.

You should be kissed and by someone who knows how.

—Margaret Mitchell

15.

If you kiss on the first date and it’s not right, then there will be no second date. Sometimes it’s better to hold out and not kiss for a long time. I am a strong believer in kissing being very intimate, and the minute you kiss, the floodgates open for everything else.

—Jennifer Lopez

16.

My first kiss. A new kind of kiss, like the new kind of music still playing, softly, in the distance—wild and arrhythmic, desperate. Passionate.

—Lauren Oliver

17.

Now a soft kiss—aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss.

—John Keats

18.

Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.

—Marilyn Monroe

19.

It was the best first kiss in the history of first kisses. It was as sweet as sugar. And it was warm, as warm as pie. The whole world opened up and I fell inside. I don’t know where I was, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care because the only person who mattered was there with me.

—Sarah Addison Allen

20.

How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss and all was said.

—Victor Hugo

21.

A first kiss is the demarcation line: the same information that a moment ago felt private, all of a sudden seems unfair to withhold. And with that exchange came more.

—Francesca Marciano

22.

Then she was kissing him as she had never kissed him before…and it was blissful oblivion, better than firewhisky; she was the only real thing in the world.

—J. K. Rowling

23.

I’m going to kiss you now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop.

—Jamie McGuire

24.

A kiss that is never tasted, is forever and ever wasted.

—Billie Holiday

25.

He kisses like he’s dying of thirst, and I’m water.

—Jennifer L. Armentrout

26.

A kiss is a rosy dot over the ‘i’ of loving.

—Cyrano de Bergerac

27.

Well, it’s either kiss me or kill me, that’s how I see it.

—Tom Waits

28.

The kiss is neither returned nor exchanged, because it’s free.

—Charles de Leusse

29.

The sunlight claps the earth, and the moonbeams kiss the sea: what are all these kissings worth, if thou kiss not me?

—Percy Bysshe Shelley

30.

My nose itched, and I knew I should drink wine or kiss a fool.

—Jonathan Swift

31.

Kissing you is terrifying, breathing your same air makes my knees weak, when I’m around you it’s a tie between wanting to chase you down—or just kiss you until you can’t breathe.

—Rachel Van Dyken

32.

Our only kiss was like an accident—a beautiful gasoline rainbow.

—Alice Sebold

33.

He tangles his hand in my hair, and the other cups my jaw. Although I have this all planned, his lips feel shockingly sweet, swollen and soft, and more like home every time.

—Alex Rosa

34.

A kiss on the beach when there is a full moon is the closest thing to heaven.

—H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

35.

I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye—that was the trouble—I wanted to kiss you good night—and there’s a lot of difference.

—Ernest Hemingway

36.

His mouth seizes mine. Consuming me. Devouring me. My body moves against his. Harder. Faster. Take me. Take all of me…

—Alexia Russell

37.

I prefer a kiss that is so much more than just a tongue in your mouth.

—Katherine Heigl

38.

The truth is, I always want to kiss you.

—Alex Rosa

39.

I was going to kiss him, and I was going to regret it. But at that moment, I couldn’t bring myself to care.

—Michelle Hodkin

40.

Your love is not really love until you waste it, a kiss is never a kiss until you taste it…

—Munia Khan

41.

The lover steals a kiss. He incurs life imprisonment.

—Charles de Leusse

42.

Kiss me out of desire, but not consolation.

—Jeff Buckley

43.

It’s the kind of kiss that inspires stars to climb into the sky and light up the world.

—Tahereh Mafi

44.

Kissing—and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing – is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down.

—Drew Barrymore

45.

Her lips touched his brain as they touched his lips, as though they were a vehicle of some vague speech and between them he felt an unknown and timid pressure, darker than the swoon of sin, softer than sound or odor.

—James Joyce

46.

And somehow, against all reason, we were kissing. I closed my eyes, and the world around me faded.

—Richelle Mead

47.

Boys always like to see girls kiss. I don’t get it; girls don’t want to see boys kiss.

—Dominique Swain

48.

Make me immortal with a kiss.

—Christopher Marlowe

49.

Unfortunately, I like to feel a little stubble when I kiss. Women are too soft.

—Malin Akerman

50.

One day you will kiss a man you can’t breathe without, and find that breath is of little consequence.

—Karen Marie Moning

Autumn reads 💕

10 Books To Read This Autumn & Halloween

1. The Secret History’ by Donna Tartt

I think it’s fun to read campus novels during the fall and winter, and the twisty, murderous stylings of Donna Tartt’s The Secret History bring the perfect air of mystery to your fall reading lineup.

2. The Wicked Deep by Shea Ernshaw

i read this myself in the summer I loved it and can’t wait to read it this Halloween with it’s theme of witches, a cursed town and death the story takes place in summer but to me it felt far more like fall then anything else, like walking in a old mystery.

3.The House of the Spirits By  Isabel Allende 

This family saga centers on the descendants of Clara del Valle, a Chilean woman whose psychic powers allows her to predict the misfortunes that will befall her family. This book was lyrical, magical, and at times frightening, as the author describes the horrors that followed them.

4. Harry Potter By J.K Rowling

I put this on the list last year but let’s face it, harry potter is one of those books you have to read at laset once a year and autumn is the best time with it’s witches and wizards, magic, spells, cats, and good vs bad it’s the perfect series for this time of the year.

5.The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin

Mara Dyer doesn’t know if she is crazy or haunted–all she knows is that everyone around her is dying. i read this series a few years ago and it’s stayed with me with it’s haunteding, beautiful, but also horror and mystery.

6. Night Film’ by Marisha Pessl

Unlike many of the other books on this list, Marisha Pessl’s Night Film is actually set during the fall. This mystery novel begins with a body discovered on an October night, a body that turns out to belong to the director of grisly cult films.

7.   A Small Revolution’ by Jimin Han

A Small Revolution blends the decidedly fall feeling of college romance with the tension of a horror-thriller. After taking a tour of 1980s South Korea with other college-bound Korean-Americans, Yoona returns to her studies with a romantic interest on the horizon and a kinship with that boy’s friend. But when a car crash kills one of her new acquaintances, Yoona lands in the sights of the other, who has grown delusional with grief. i’ve just put this on my tbr list and i can’t wait to read it, it sounds amazing.

8. Another Brooklyn’ by Jacqueline Woodson

In this semi-autobiographical novel, Brown Girl Dreaming author Jacqueline Woodson transports readers back in time and space to 1970s Brooklyn, where her protagonist, 11-year-old August, bonds and grows up with three other girls: Sylvia, Angela, and Gigi. The memory of Another Brooklyn captures fall’s retrospective nature, so be sure to get it on your nightstand before winter rolls around.

9. The Uninvited by Cat Winters

a masterfully crafted story of love, loss, and second chances. Set during the fear and panic of the Great Influenza of 1918, The Uninvited is part gothic ghost-story, part psychological thriller, perfect for those who loved The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield or The Vanishing by Wendy Webb. Twenty-five year old Ivy Rowan rises from her bed after being struck by the flu, only to discover the world has been torn apart in just a few short days. This was an amazing read. I didn’t expect much, but it blew me away. There are some really amazing twists and I have rushed through it.

10.   First Frost by Sarah Addison Allen

Lose yourself in Sarah Addison Allen’s enchanting world and fall for her charmed characters in this captivating story that proves that a happily-ever-after is never the real ending to a story. It’s where the real story begins.

bonus

11. The Witch’s Daughter by Paula Brackston

My name is Elizabeth Anne Hawksmith, and my age is three hundred and eighty-four years. Each new settlement asks for a new journal, and so this Book of Shadows begins.. taking place in two time periods  one is today and other one we see through the main characters memories is 17th century.  this story is about a woman who lived in days when witches were hanged and who ended up being turned into a witch herself. Ever since the demon made her into a witch she has been sorta promised to him and he has been following her through the time. I have read a lot of Witch books and I have to say that this book is one of the best! It’s a perfect read for everyone who likes to be transported back to old magical times and away fantastic unique worlds. It really is a good piece of historical fiction! 

❤

Happy New Year! It’s gotten a little quiet around here and I’m so sorry for disappearing in the middle of the carry on countdown without a word. We got some scary family news last month and I had to head back to my hometown a little earlier than originally planned - but things have gotten a little less serious so I’ll be able to go back to my place this friday (and hopefully get back to drawing again!). I’m sorry to all of you who have sent me a message and are still waiting for a reply - I promise I’ll get back to you as soon as possible! Til then I hope you’ve had lovely holidays and a good start into the new year! Have this rusty sketch of the boys as a little thank you for sticking with me, lots of love to all of you and see you soon ❤

A thousand times over.

ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵒʳ ʳᵉᵇˡᵒᵍ ⁱᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉ/ᵘˢᵉ

Wcw.

Sophie Turner for The Edit by Net-A-Porter, May 2019