28.09.21

28.09.21

“An honest man has nothing to fear, so I’m trying my best not to be afraid.”

I’ve got a lot to do, but I’m working hard. I finished the two assignments I had due today. More are on the horizon and when they get here I’ll finish them too. Then I’ll finish the next ones. I can do this all day. Did you understand that reference? For now, I’ll rest. I can’t save the world if I don’t save myself first.

Listening to Let It Be—The Beatles

22.09.21

I’m My place is still a mess, so meet my houseplants. At the top we have Ivy and Pearl, my two old girls. Next up is Peter Planter, my spider plant. Phil—short not for Philodendron, but Philoctetes. Lastly, my snake plant Loki. Practical as Loki was a shapeshifter in mythology, hilarious because “mbleurgh it’s me!” Also, Loki currently has four children on the way: Jörmungandr, Fenrir, Sleipnir, and Hel.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” —Annie Dillard

Another productive day, but not so much as it could have been. I’ve been thinking about things.

“You will always struggle with not feeling productive until you accept that your own joy can be something you produce.” —Hank Green

I have a lot to do, but not so much so that I feel I couldn’t do more. I want to study for my French quiz and write my essay outline. I want to make flashcards for Spanish and French and rewrite all my notes then type them too. I want to do all my readings twice over and take detailed notes and stay up late and wake up early. I want to be the best I could be, given infinite time and space to learn and grow because I feel the weight of human imperfection and mortality. I want too much. And I know this. And it doesn’t make me want any less.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” —Stephen Chbosky

I feel stuck. I’m making great progress. I’m losing my mind, I’m doing so much better than before. I love studying. I want to drop out and move to the countryside. I’ve got it all figured out. I feel completely lost.

Sleep is for the week, not the weak, so rest, bitch. 

02.09.21

First day back! Packing! Moving! Painting? Chaos!

me: im giving up *still has hope*