I Took It Off Tonight.

I took it off tonight.  

Rings and seemingly insignificant things

I still wear a ring he gave me in the early years of our relationship.  I used to look at it as a testament to my commitment to him.  Now it’s a placeholder until I can find something more suitable; I’m not ready to go naked just yet.

I’ve switched hands at least.

Update

He dropped it off in my mailbox last night after he was done work ( 4am). He called me at that time but my ringer was off. He didn't leave a message. I can't say I'm disappointed by this anticlimactic end, and I'm breathing a sigh of relief.

I remained steadfast in my resolve and did not respond despite all the baiting. Despite the texts that filled me with rage. Despite the voicemails that broke my heart. I feel like I've won.

So why do I also feel like absolute garbage?

“Your next boyfriend is going to be so lucky.  You might be worth something by then.”

Bad day

I have had waves of sympathy for him today.  I don’t want it, but it’s happening.  I feel guilty and sad.  And I miss him.  I just want to make him food and make sure he’s ok.

In case you are worried, that’s not going to happen.  It’s just on my mind.

Landscaping

If you continue to read below you will hear more about my personal hygiene than you signed up for.  You’ve been warned.

I confessed this story to someone and their “WTF?!” reaction prompted me to post.

I used to shave my pubic hair.   All of it.  It was the only way he liked it. For those of you who’ve never done it before, or don’t have a vulva you’ll just have to trust that it is a seriously tedious and arduous task. 

Sometimes I wouldn’t be prompt with my upkeep.  It was such a pain, and there were so many things in my day that I had to do. There were constant complaints from him about how women find them selves good men, settle down and just let themselves go.  Then they wonder why their husbands cheat on them.

So one day I guess he just got so frustrated with me dropping the ball that he was going to take matters into his own hands.  Literally.

I was showering and he came in the room ( I curse EVERY bathroom lock we ever had for PURE INEFFECTIVENESS).  Without asking, he got in the shower with me and grabbed my razor.

He started shaving me.  I’ll admit I did not protest too much, but I was obviously uncomfortable.  That progressed shortly to physical manifestations of panic, fear and anxiety: dizziness, nausea, difficulty breathing, chills (while in a hot shower no less), but I managed to hold back tears.

He got angry with me for shaking and losing my balance and went on a rant.  I had once again ruined what could have been a sweet and sexy moment.

Apparently I don’t know how to keep my cool with a razor-blade centimetres from my clitoris when it is in the hands of someone prone to outbursts and no idea what he’s doing.

When he got out and stomped off in a rage, I let the tears flow silently.

Say g’bye to sleep this week.

He contacted one of my friends today.

I haven’t gotten back to him about the tax document yet (yeah, I procrastinated/avoided/ whatever you want to call it). He messaged one of the few friends of mine that he was fairly well acquainted with.

She doesn’t know about the abuse.  I really do adore her, but she lives out of town and talking about it never seemed like the right time.  Plus, she’s a confident, successful, strong and I really admire her; I’ll admit that I can feel intimidated by her, and I’m not sure she’d understand. 

Though I believe she understands him a little more after his escapade tonight.

Words matter to him.  She told him that I wasn’t responding because this was a busy time of year for me and because I was “moving on.” 

We all knew where this was going. 

So, being reasonable, she told him to mail it to me.  He responded that he’s going to drop it off. Can’t wait to see him at the door.  :D 

Did you know that he had the nerve to tell her that he was worried about me?