Remember, Not Reminisce

Remember, not Reminisce

Today I’m feeling touch-starved, and it’s on these days that I miss him the most.

When I’m feeling emotional I try to remember rather than reminisce.  When we were together and I would reach out to him in bed in the morning or in the middle of the night, he would shrug me off angry that I woke him.

He rarely, if ever, cured my need for affection. So what is there to lament?

Last night’s text.  He goes from not messaging me for months to baiting me almost daily.  Thus far I have not responded.

Good days are bad too

I almost forgot a part.  We had to make two trips.  

The first time we had gone was closer to his birthday.  I had to book 6 weeks in advance as spaces filled up quickly.  When the weekend came, the forecast called for some rain with periods of sunshine.  Furthermore, there were other people who were in line ahead of us.  We were advised by the club to come and hope for the best as there was still a good possibility we would go.

So we went and were trained.  Ultimately, though the weather prevented us from having a turn to jump.

He was upset, once again, as I had dropped the ball on planning.  As if I could predict, six weeks in advance, that the wind would pick up with the rain just enough to make the jump unsafe for beginners.

An Experience

Referring to this 

I took us Skydiving in the summer of 2016 for his birthday complete with weekend away. It was probably the most exhilarating thing I’ll ever do.

We got videos and pictures of our jumps from the company we jumped with, but he also insisted I document his whole experience from start to finish on my phone. One of his complaints was that I never took pictures of anything, and that was a sign that I was not normal or a good partner.

The consequence of me playing paparazzi was that we discovered, a few weeks later when the official videos arrived, that I was in the first part of his.  He was furious about that, stating how he’d have to re-edit it to be able to show it to his family.

Worst of all, where previously he had been raving about the experience, he soon turned it around.  He was dissatisfied because I had participated.  He was angry that I had not just paid for him to jump, but that I had jumped myself.

He stated that I just “couldn’t let him have anything.”

Always seemed that no matter how much I spent or planned that I couldn’t do anything right.

A dodged Experience.

I found a female - a stranger - who agreed to have a threesome with us.  I was trying to check off the list and one of the sexual experiences he stipulated was a threesome.  I’d already agreed and participated in one with him 12 years earlier.  He kept saying that wasn’t a “real” one as she and I didn’t interact enough for his liking.  So it just didn’t count.  

She agreed to meet us at a hotel out of town.

On the way, I told him I was feeling very anxious about it and insinuated that this wasn’t really something I wanted to do.  He told me he was offended. I had agreed to so many sexual requests of others, how could I deny the man I said I loved?

We met her, and we went for dinner.  She was lovely, and funny. I liked her, and we were all getting along swimmingly.  We stopped at a gas station and I went in to buy some drinks to take back to the room.  When I got back into the car, the laughter was gone and there was an uncomfortable silence.

When we got back to the room, she said she really liked us and found us both attractive, but didn’t think tonight “was the night.”  I was  relieved, but I could tell he was doing his best to keep his temper at bay.  We talked more before going  to sleep.  We parted the next day and were never in contact again.

He had all sorts of theories about her and why she didn’t want to be with us, always painting her negatively.  I’m sure he would have loved to try to blame it on me had she not explicitly stated that she was most interested in experimenting with me.

He said something to her in the car when I was buying drinks that irked her. The tone change in the few minutes I was in the store was palpable.  But I have no idea what it was. 

woman making a post on tumblr dot com: due to the countless ways that men abuse, manipulate, exploit and degrade women on a daily basis and the social and personal trauma i’ve endured from them i don’t feel safe near them and would not be with one because in my experience men as a whole do not value women as people

that one chick, inevitably: what about my amazing boyfriend chad? we’ve been together seven years and he’s only called me a bitch 4 times