Hope To Despairin Minutes

Hope to Despair in Minutes

You know that scene in the animated Cinderella were Stepmother tells her she can go to the ball if she finishes all her chores and finds a dress to wear?  Then she and the stepsisters load on the chores so that it’s impossible for her to finish sewing her dress? 

That was him.  He'd tell me at 8pm that we should watch a movie that night, but he’d have to be in bed by 11pm.  I’d also have to finish cleaning the kitchen, making his lunches for the week, prepping dinner for the week, all the laundry, vacuum and scrub the floors, clean the bathroom, change the sheets, and bake something for a snack before we could sit down.

When I inevitably failed, it was my fault, once again, that we couldn’t do anything nice together.  I was never to forget that it was always my fault as I was such a lazy cunt.  It was an excuse for him to be angry and hurt me, and an excuse for me to feel bad about myself 

I still have a hard time looking forward to things.

I'm super late posting this. Pumpkin carving is a healing process for me. So I invest a bunch of time in. These turned out better thank I had anticipated this year.

Feels good to have had another year of freedom to embrace some little creative projects. I hope you all had a good Hallowe'en.

I picked a day where i was too exhausted from working around the house to care much and threw them out.

Another piece of him has been wiped from my life .

He did not understand sentimental value. I keep little things that people give me or that remind me of special times.

Some people keep pictures in this way. These things are fabrics in the tapestry of your history But not to him. Junk. Hoarding. Wasting space.

His mom gave him old pictures of him and his family. He didn't care and was really angry when I insisted we keep them. So he made me hold on to them, and here I am still holding on to them out of guilt.

These things are all sacred. I am having such a terrible time trying to throw them out.

If I was still with him during the pandemic and lockdown I am sure he would have murdered me by now.