I Want To Prove A Point To A Coworker Of Mine.

I want to prove a point to a coworker of mine.

Pretend this post is the coronavirus.

If you see this on your dash, just reblog it.

Let’s show them how quickly this virus can spread from just one person.

I’m worried that I’m not #actuallyautistic because no, I’ve never been diagnosed. And I worry because... I don’t show as many traits as other people do. Or maybe I just have ADHD that’s undiagnosed. Or maybe it’s the depression and anxiety that IS diagnosed that’s causing things because of a lack of coping skills. And I’m worried because... what if I’m just thinking these things and starting to voice them for attention even though I don’t like attention? What if I just can’t make it in a neurotypical world, but I don’t have anything that would “justify” it? How can my few problems in my little life that I could solve “if I just tried harder” really be a good image for autism when so many other people need more support? When I’ve seen so many other families ripped apart over their child’s needs or so many kids without friends because they’re too “different” or “weird?”

So I don’t know if I’m actually autistic. I don’t know if I have ADHD. I don’t know if I “absorb too much” when I read posts about autism. I don’t know if the more I read about these things, the more I see things that aren’t there. Some of them are so right on the mark that I almost cry that there’s a post of someone else’s experience that’s just like mine. Some are relatable but not a perfect fit. I see myself in traits here or there, but others not as much. And then I worry again. I wonder if I really experience these things or if I’m faking. I wonder if it’s the masking that they mention that’s just become so embedded in my psyche, or if that’s how neurotypical people “grow up” and act “as adults.”

And I wonder why I struggle so much in this world.

The hardest part is just accepting that I may never have a definite answer. I may never get a diagnosis, or I may be misdiagnosed or completely missed especially since I am born and raised female. And I ask myself if I can really allow myself into the autistic community because... do I really belong? I don’t have any issues being viewed as autistic, but I don’t want to steal the spotlight for people that actually need it on social media. If I don’t have autism, I don’t want to misrepresent it.

So all I can do is write about how I feel and what I do know. I know I’ve been wondering if I am autistic since I was younger, but my parents dismissed it quickly. Only in recent years when I brought it up again has my mother relented and hinted that I may. Almost all of my friends are neurodivergent (I can’t actually think of any friends I have that are neurotypical). Many times I see myself in someone else’s post about their experiences with autism. Sometimes I recognize myself in mentioned traits. Sometimes I feel like I have traits that are missing from the lists. I’ve felt a stronger connection to children and adults in the adaptive room at my parents’ volunteer ski work than most random groups I’ve been put into, and even among other neurodivergent groups, there usually seems to be disconnect between me and the other members that they don’t experience with each other. I’ve never had a problem staying around the children in school that most kids were “put off” by, and I could always adapt quickly to people that other classmates or people my age have side eyes to. I just... didn’t and still don’t understand why those people couldn’t understand the ones they ostracized. It’s always been crystal clear. I usually wonder why I said a thing, why I repeated something when I didn’t need to, why why why did I say unnecessary but so, so important to me things at the most random times, and why do I like these temperatures, these types of air, my stuffed animals that are more than just toys but individuals that may not have names but most certainly have thoughts and feelings, and why can a single noise bring me panic and almost tears, why do certain sustained noises make me so angry and sick but I love my metal and emo and rock, and why is it that when my parents get mad at me that I go into a monotone voice that I can’t change and makes me sound insincere, and why did I learn most of my expressions and inflections from cartoons and anime and crime shows, all borrowed faces, borrowed voices, and now I have none to call my own except the way my face would suddenly twist and distort when I was happy or sad or nothing at all that did not match what I was feeling that I haven’t had in a while because I keep my face so busy now, and why can I focus so much better when I don’t look at the face of the person I’m talking to except a glance here or there to gauge their feelings outside of their voice and body, and why just why do I feel these things and not know if these are neurotypical things or because the depression or the anxiety or maybe, just maybe, because of autism with a side of ADHD.

What do I do? Perhaps I’ll never know.

Compulsively made a Redbubble account. Two problems:

1.) I have no art to use.

2.) I can’t do art.

One day, my transformation into a meerkat will be complete.

things that made me stop wanting to die that require no effort whatsoever

change the color used to highlight text on your laptop

move the pictures on your wall

stack whatever clutter is in your room into piles even if you don’t have time to clean it all

slightly vary your commute, even just by one street

change where you sit and scroll aimlessly on your phone even if it’s only to the chair in your room instead of your bed

drink water or juice out of a wine glass in the morning because nothing is real

shower with the lights off, without music

buy $3 flowers at trader joe’s—they look bad next to the more expensive ones but they look so good in your room

start typing things you don’t post into your notes. your thoughts can be worth documenting even if you don’t deem them worth sharing

wake up super early just once. you don’t have to make it a habit it’s just extra satisfying to go to bed that night

listen to the entirety of your favorite album from 2015

Backyard or Something. https://www.instagram.com/p/CI9cjGNAWlX/?igshid=t8xzmck8ybpp