God Do I Feel This

God do I feel this

i took it for granted… / will i ever have it again?

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

The Hypothalamus is the part of your brain that is located at the base, before the hippocampus and brain stem. Some of its functions are releasing hormones,  regulating body temperature, maintaining bodily cycles, controlling appetite, managing sexual behavior, and regulating emotional responses. It works with the pituitary gland (Located at the base of the brain, the pituitary gland interacts with other glands and is in control of all hormones, such as testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, dopamine, etc.) and the thyroid gland, located at the base of the neck, regulates hormones and body weight.

The thyroid gland has been a topic of anguish as of late. All the things that can happen to such a little, butterfly shaped gland seems overwhelming. It seems insurmountable, and the worst part is that I'm not a surgeon, or doctor, or a vet or anything useful to really help in this matter at all. All that's left to do is try to will good fortune into existence, because this is the story of a Mallmart Associate.

I tried explaining to Taylor the terms and conditions I had settled on with management. To my surprise though, she rejected our little peace treaty in favor of…truth. "Taylor, bestie- no." My voice was strained, but once she had set her mind to something, there was no talking her out of it. Taylor, had a look in her eyes that told me she onto something, something I was not yet privy to. "We don't have to tell them, you know. In fact, it would be better to work with them under the assumption we agreed to their terms. You can be a whistleblower, Ciara. You can do that for me, right?" A whistleblower, huh? Well, how could I say no when she looks at me like that?

Hyperthyroidism is when the thyroid produces too much of a hormone called triiodothyronine, and a hormone called thyroxine, which can speed up your metabolism, cause hair loss, cause sensitivity to heat, and speed up your heart rate. Hypothyroidism has the opposite problem, where your heart rate slows down, not unlike a bear during hibernation. They become sensitive to the cold, and the metabolism slows in self preservation. 

My cat, is unwell. My friend is unwell, and there's nothing I can do about it. The weight set is suddenly more heavy in my hands, as I scowl at the empty space on the shelf, where it goes. The fire alarm goes off in the store again, and on impulse I go to check my phone with dread and anxiety- 

Well crap.

It's lunch time.

I, of course got spoken to by management. I needed to smile with my eyes, was what they said. My smile was too uncanny valley. I remember trying to smile with my eyes as a kid. I'm sure we all remember looking at ourselves in the mirror, practicing faces, trying to look genuine and authentic like the people on television. The actors that made us fall in love with them through their raw, unbridled emotions that they conveyed through soulful eyes and creased brows, and those wide, sparkling smiles. I saved a photo of the first time I attempted to smile with my eyes, to remember that moment. It's an ugly photo, but it's a reminder of that day. "Aiden, does this look like a genuine smile?"

Aiden Gossman screams. Loud and harshly like his being killed. Huh, that sounds like a no… "Jeezum, don't ever-" he cuts himself off, taking a bite from his chicken sandwich. "What department are you working after break?" I ask him, curiously. "Right into business, huh? Aren't you like, interested in what happened to me this morning?" And with that, Aiden launches into a tale.

That morning, Aiden had been working in the pharmacy section, setting out stock from the backrooms- mostly vitamins. Headphones in his ears, he walks down the vitamin aisle, being serenaded by the sweet voice of Kurt Cobain, only to unexpectedly be taken out of his trance by a woman. She was stark pale, and staring straight ahead. It was as if she was staring at Aiden, and yet, she wasn't. Her eyes were impossibly wide, almost a characture of herself, the lines in her face- she was in absolutely terror. "Ma'am…?" Aiden asks, hesitant to go near her. Something about her seemed to scream, "danger!" And then, her lips parted, and the black inky ooze- impossibly black, spilled forth from her lips and down her chin, dripping onto her floral blouse before her head rolled back. Her body collapses onto the ground, and the moment her body hits the cold, hard cement grounds of our little store, the fire alarm goes off. 

"And what happened then?" I leaned in, curious. "What happened then? An ambulance had to come pick her up. Like dude, I literally thought she was going to die there or something!" He exclaimed. Well, time to test a theory. "You said the stuff was inky? By any chance did it look anything like the stuff that was dripping from the skylights, weeks ago?" He doesn't say anything, because I hit the nail right on the head. Neither of us know what to do about it.

Below; The Photo

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Okaloosa County

Everyone knows that Floridian storms can be significantly destructive, especially on the coastline. Since Okaloosa is an island off the shores of Florida and Alabama, the storm that came and shook up our lovely little town on the 10th of May have left fences damaged and toppled over, trees uprooted, and our beloved lawn flamingos swept away into the seas of Emerald Bay. Repairs are being made to bring Niceville back to its former glory by the NRCS, and a lovely crew of dedicated landscapists on independent contract. The council of concerned citizens of Niceville have discussed in length how to avoid a repeat of the harrowing lawn flamingo incident, stating that this wreckage and pollution of Emerald bay will tear our town apart. The unconcerned citizens of Niceville have countered this, stating that this storm was nothing compared to the history of great storms that have hit Okaloosa, and that "Back in my day, whole houses were devoured by storms! This generation is too sensitive!" The discussion amongst the councils then devolved into name calling. 

A Report! From Inside The Walls of Mallmart

"We need to do something!" I gazed out the window. There amongst the pines, a rabbit struggles against the grasp of a fox's maw, legs kicking feverishly. There was a fire there, burning in the fox's eyes. One that I didn't understand. Axton watches, his full attention on the blood that has started to bloom from that ashy tan fur. "Then go on, Ciara. Go out there and try." He's 10, and I'm 11. We've lived in this house, unallowed to invite guests over for most of our childhood. We've always lived in this house. "But…The fox won't have anything to eat though…" The rabbit's glossy black eyes are wide with terror, bulging from the skull. "I want to help the fox too. I want both the fox and the rabbit to be okay." My voice feels far away from my own lips. "You can't have it both ways, that's not fair! That's not how it works." Axton crosses his arms. 

As I step into the entrance doors of Mallmart I think about that conversation, because this is the story of a Mallmart Associate.

"Taylor Peyton. Is she, or is she not being fired?" The room was dark as usual, a small box fan blowing in the corner. Management wanted to fire Taylor for looking into the store's anomalies? Well then I was going to sink this ship with everyone in it. "We don't like to think of it as firing per se. Think of it as us helping her along to the next phase of her life. A next phase that doesn't have Mallmart in it." 

"Oh…Well, that's pretty funny actually. I think we can all have a laugh about this together. You know, you and I, and OSHA. Actually I have some stuff to add on too! Like the time you turned off the water to the break room on a heat wave. Or the time Ashante almost got crushed between shelves in the backrooms-"

"Are you threatening us, Ms.Shoggoth?" We stared at each other from across the desk in a sort of screwed up standoff. "Oh good, so we're on the same page." I nodded. 

…

"AVOID…DENY…DEFEND!" The re education video chimed as I sat there, watching the violent behavior courses. I don't know what I had expected really. Did I really think standing up to Management would be so simple? Gritting my teeth, I waited for the video to hit that 10 minute mark so I could click confirmation that I watched. Taylor was worth getting in trouble though, because she really was a marvelous employee. The fact that she was able to fit into all the required boxes and meet core values while still being so, so likeable was almost unheard of in retail and yet there she goes, looking into the incomprehensible horrors that lived in Mallmart on top of everything. Of course I was willing to fall on my sword for her. The classes were short this time, because there was a scheme lurking in the background I was not privy to. "I need you to scan all of the home goods now that you're done with the sporting good," I am told, and I nodd, eager to show my worth after the little spat I had gotten into that morning. So, that's what I did. I scanned the shelves, looking for items that would light up in the app, and then, another supervisor walked down into my terf of the backrooms. "Ciara! What are you doing in home goods? You're supposed to be in domestics! That's going to be a point deduction!" I grit my teeth, walking towards the domestics department of the backrooms. "Glaring like that, it feels very threatening, Ciara, are we going to have to write you up?"

"No ma'am-" and just like that, she'd turned the corner just for the original supervisor to walk in. "What are you doing? Did you finish home goods?"

"I thought I was told to go to domestics, I-"

"Why would you be in domestics? That's a point deduction there."

"But that's not fair!" I hiss under my breath, so quiet no one but I could hear. Because I knew what this was, they were setting up the grounds to get me out. They've done it before, and they'll do it again. Should I be surprised? No, this is just us playing a game here, a game that is absolutely rigged. I did the best I could though. Some of you may ask, why bother? Why not quit? 

Just why is Mallmart so important to work at anyways? In truth, I don't fully understand either. Maybe it's because I need the money. For my family, for myself. Maybe I'm that desperate to stay close to someone who intrigues me as much as Taylor Peyton- because she is fascinating, truly….maybe there's a fucked up part of me that likes playing martyr, that feels comfortable being submissive to a dead end job? I looked at the boxes stacked on my cart, all of them saying "team lift". Yeah, that was it, wasn't it? Everyone said I was gullible, suggestible, simple as a kid. I never believed them until now though. I guess that's just the humor in this all. 

 "Okay, now I'm depressed" I remember writing to the discord server that day. It's funny though, I can't remember when the writing happened. It must've been on my lunch break. It had to be, there's no time to chat during work otherwise. Not really. "What's wrong?" The apparition of a man writes, his message flashing onto the screen. Several of them are online, my closest companions.  I'm uncertain if I have permission to speak their names or even say too much about them- at least anything that might give away their identities. It's imperative for you to know going forward though, just how awe inspiring these individuals are, going forward. Because they are just that. "Just Mallmart, changing parts of me and how I see myself lol idk" 

"Is this your first retail job?"

'Oh gosh… you don't know the half of it.' Is what I think, letting out a groan of frustration. It was my first real job ever. It was the first job I'd had that wasn't connected to the name of a family member, the first time that I was truly independent… and here I was, sinking like the titanic. Sure, I knew how to work. I'd done construction, furniture, cleaning, transcription… but never under normal circumstances. Never outside the little community I was raised in. And somehow sharing that fact with a bunch of strangers on the internet seems far less daunting than admitting that to the man who seems lifetimes ahead of me in worldly experiences. I don't want to admit that I've barely begun to crawl. 

"Yes. I didn't know it was going to be like this!" 

"Yeah, retail sucks" Another friend barks back in agreement. The same friend who was probably one of the most ambitious and hard working people I'd ever met. I wondered for a second- maybe Mallmart, maybe this is just the retail experience? Maybe all stores have  skeletons in their closets all the same, and it's through the hard work and diligence of Mallmart's workers that it becomes liveable again, even inviting. 

I tried to keep that optimistic attitude, I really did, but by the end of the day, I was called back into management for a second time. And you know what? You know what they offered? They offered to wave away all the points I'd taken that day, so long as I forgot about calling OSHA. They sat me down real comfortable, and laid that bombshell one, that they were willing to come right out and say it rather than acting like they were in the right, or that there was even a reason. "You know, it would be just as easy to keep Taylor, instead of going to all this trouble. Final offer, Taylor Peyton stays and we stop documenting Mallmart." And like that, we struck a deal, shook hands. Of course I thought I won- at first. I texted into my phone to the discord server, explaining what had happened. "OSHA does allow anonymous reporting. Do not tell your employer that you're reporting them, no matter what. It won't get issues fixed, it will only get you outta there." The reply back read.

Well….

Shit.

When I heard Taylor was being fired, all I could hear was the tea kettles whistling and instead of keeping my mouth shut, like I should've, I'd gone and shot myself in the foot. The weight of the fact I gave away the only leverage I had hit me like a ton of bricks. 

"This whole day was humiliating. The only thing keeping me from getting on my hands and knees and groveling for my job was that I was pissed about the whole Taylor thing."

"Well I commend you for that. Anger can be useful. Kind of like a defensive weapon- Allows you to stand up for yourself or others"

And while my brain was buzzing I didn't see the truth in his words, to hung up on everything I'd done so terribly wrong. I do now though. Sometimes when things feel insurmountable, the only thing we have is to hold onto our fire. You may find yourself overwhelmed by your job, you may find yourself losing your sense of identity, your individuality- but never let them snuff out your fire.