Chibishortdeath - What A Horrible Night To Have A Curse…

I’ll keep this under a cut since it’s a vent, but things are going very horribly right now. I have no idea what to do. I feel like a complete fuck up.

Now I don’t know if this is what it is for sure, but something is fucking wrong with me cause I obviously just can’t interact with people correctly. I have realized recently that every single friendship I’ve ever had lines up exactly with BPD and having a ‘favorite person’. Not diagnosed obviously cause this is all very new information to me and I don’t have a therapist or anything, but holy hell is it pretty much exactly the cycle that’s happened with almost every single friend I’ve ever had my whole life. If that’s not what it is then idk what else it could be but yeah idk where I’m going with this sentence…

I have a great first impression with someone, we end up very great friends talking almost everyday or often, I care so so deeply about this person, something happens to the usual routine or someone else ends up talking to me, I suddenly either end up feeling way less close to them or just lose the spark entirely, I feel like a complete asshole and desperately try to feel the same way again to no avail, it either ends horribly and painfully or is never the same again and I am completely wracked with guilt and confused as to why I’m a terrible person who sucks at being a friend for a while, and then I end up stupidly believing it’ll be any different next time. It’s been this way as long as I can remember.

And it’s just constant. I can’t keep any more than maybe one main friend and a few secondary friends at a time. I can’t have too many social interactions with secondary friends too frequently no matter how much I love them or I’ll end up completely burnt out and overwhelmed. I can’t talk to anyone without being terrified I’ll just break them. I feel like a fucking parasite. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like I wanna get close to anyone anymore. I don’t think I should. I’m just gonna fail and hurt everyone I love. Part of me just wants to dip off the internet for good, but I’m an idiot and I need to see content of and talk about a game or I’ll start spiraling again, not that I’m not already though I guess.

To make it worse, I do have friends that I know I’m failing right now. I know I’m gonna hurt all of them. The pattern is already past the point of no return. And now I know that it’s my fault. That it’s really is just a me problem. It’s always been me that’s the problem. Every time has been because of me. I know I’m going to inevitably neglect most of them because I’m already isolating myself. I know can’t balance all of them at once without being overwhelmed. I know I can’t pick myself up again without getting overwhelmed. I know I can’t get the routine back. I know it can’t go back to how it was. I know it can’t. It’s just gonna end like it always has, awful for everyone involved. I don’t know how to fix it or if I can at this point.

It’s so fucking selfish. It’s disgustingly mean of me. I just wanna be a good person. I just wanna be a good friend. That’s all I want. I just wanna make people happy and share time with people and talk and have similar interests and laugh and be there when they need it and give gifts and hug and hang out. I just wanna be a friend. But it never works. It always ends up this way. I shouldn’t have tried. I really shouldn’t have. I’m just hurting people at this point.

Sometimes I’ll see someone get something wrong about Castlevania lore or something and I want to excitedly rant about it to them in the comments, but I generally stop myself cause I know a lot of people take that as rudely assuming someone doesn’t know what they’re talking about and trying to flex on them, but I mean it like sharing about something that I like and think is really interesting that I think they might also like or find interesting ,:’3. Idk, correcting someone is always a friendly gesture for me, but I’ve had a lot of people get upset with me for doing that before.

CHARACTER ASK GAME!!! 💫

Send a character + one or more of these question!

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

11. Would you date this character?

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

23. Favorite picture of this character?

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

26. FREEBIE QUESTION!!

*battle of the holy intensifies*

Yay rpg maker stuff :3. I should make more updates that aren’t just little concept doodles cause I have gotten a couple rooms to work, but eh. The game itself is still in like the getting the whole map figured out stage, then I’ll have to go through and plan where story specific events will happen, what characters appear where, major puzzles, whether or not there will be a battle system, etc etc. but I do have a lot of things down and have figured out how the program works for the most part! You guys get to see the map planning page early hehe, also the little girl character (who I still need to figure out the name of whoops—)

Anyway, these two are some main characters, Layne and Reid. I don’t wanna spoil too much about them, but they are also med school students and test subjects like Miran. Layne is the one with their hair to their right and spiky ends, Reid is the one with their hair over their left eye and a rounder style.

Ok yeah that’s it bye—