I Wish For Something. Something Like A Hug And The Feeling Of Being Loved.

I wish for something. Something like a hug and the feeling of being loved.

the goal is to become somebody my abuser would never recognize. to gain a glossy sheen of joy across my eyes they had never seen when i was with them. to laugh loud in a tone they've never heard before. to be the warm sunshine and the blooming flowers and so, so much more than what was with me inside the box they buried me alive in. every cell regenerated, every square inch of skin revitalized. you don't know me anymore. you will never know me again.

When he says he wants to see me again >>

Holy shit that is just awesome. Like, the kind of wanted I feel is insane.

Tw: ed

The only good part about being sick is that noone is forcing me to eat.

I can just starve myself in peace without anyone saying anything.

Tw: mention of sh, drugs, overdose, sexualization

I had a dream and it was so weird.

Like, at first at was more of a nightmare, everyone left me, I was self harming in the dream and I looked like shit.

Anyway, when I got to my room in the camp where the dream was playing, there were two men and that is awesome.

Because I asked if I could have a cigarette and one of them made me one and there were drugs everywhere and the man just gave me the drugs for free when I asked.

And they were like really nice and told me I looked pretty (even tho my face was all red and swollen from crying) and explained how to take the drugs that I haven't taken before.

And they were like also really big on concent, since one of the drugs was a love drug and they were like, you both gotta consent!

And I think they also kissed once and laughed and than I think I died because of an overdoses and woke up??

It was so weird, anyway, I really want to actually meet two people like those two, I just wanna be held and comforted...

Maybe I'll just go back to sexualizing myself for attention, it's easier and I really want to feel wanted rn.

But I also know that it's a terrible choice...

What should I actually do? I don't know, I just don't know.

Getting reassurance before even having to ask for it >>>>