The Goal Is To Become Somebody My Abuser Would Never Recognize. To Gain A Glossy Sheen Of Joy Across

the goal is to become somebody my abuser would never recognize. to gain a glossy sheen of joy across my eyes they had never seen when i was with them. to laugh loud in a tone they've never heard before. to be the warm sunshine and the blooming flowers and so, so much more than what was with me inside the box they buried me alive in. every cell regenerated, every square inch of skin revitalized. you don't know me anymore. you will never know me again.

Tw: abuse

Me vibing but suddenly I remember all the times he hit and manipulated me into apologizing to him because he had to hit me.

Not fun. Not what I wanted to randomly remember. Why the fuck does my head keep reminding me of all of that shit??

And the worst part is that I still can't belive someone loves me if they don't hurt me. Like, the way I was taught love works, is always through hurting me.

I don't want that.

When he says he wants to see me again >>

Holy shit that is just awesome. Like, the kind of wanted I feel is insane.

Tw: mention of sh, drugs, overdose, sexualization

I had a dream and it was so weird.

Like, at first at was more of a nightmare, everyone left me, I was self harming in the dream and I looked like shit.

Anyway, when I got to my room in the camp where the dream was playing, there were two men and that is awesome.

Because I asked if I could have a cigarette and one of them made me one and there were drugs everywhere and the man just gave me the drugs for free when I asked.

And they were like really nice and told me I looked pretty (even tho my face was all red and swollen from crying) and explained how to take the drugs that I haven't taken before.

And they were like also really big on concent, since one of the drugs was a love drug and they were like, you both gotta consent!

And I think they also kissed once and laughed and than I think I died because of an overdoses and woke up??

It was so weird, anyway, I really want to actually meet two people like those two, I just wanna be held and comforted...

Maybe I'll just go back to sexualizing myself for attention, it's easier and I really want to feel wanted rn.

But I also know that it's a terrible choice...

What should I actually do? I don't know, I just don't know.

I wish for something. Something like a hug and the feeling of being loved.

I texted a friend that I missed him. Nothing new, but the meaning changed.

We have never met in real life, and the I miss you was meant as in I know we are supposed to be together way.

Now when I text him I miss you I mean it as in I miss you and me. I miss how we were, I miss knowing you the way I did. I miss that it felt like we were meant for each other.

I miss him. So much.