Bluedmonsst - SgnBlues

◞  WITH EVERY FLOWER THAT I EVER TOOK APART.

꒰ he loves you; he loves you not. or, cloud finds a poem you wrote about him. ꒱

ᴍᴅɴɪ. 5.4k. f!reader. canon-divergent au. best friends to lovers. fluff. angst. slice of life. writer!reader. cloud likes knick-knacks. reader's favorite color is pink. reader is shorter than cloud. he's a 'ships assembled in bottles' kinda guy here fr. a little nerdy loser boy who likes to kiss his best friend. sfw. footnote. this is selfship-coded; sue me n i'll settle. i dedicate this to nonie who sent me asks on main n expressed their excitement. i felt stuck on it for a bit but when i thought about scrapping, i heard your asks n reworked it as many times as i had to until it felt right <3 thank you for the encouragement!!

what do i say to you, o lover? your blind eyes gaze. and you see right through my mauling. my most unknowing witness. the behemoth of ardor eats from inside my chest where your name lives. at the base of my breath. it tastes like everything i know. all of my familiarity. a storm cloud of my fondness looms over your head. and adoration crackles. and a strike of intimacy's lightning; bad aim, narrowly misses. every time. a torrential downpour of my devotion. i love that you never shield yourself from rain. you don't know what my tongue would give to savor the flavor of your name in the form of a claim. i'm already an endless vow. to you. so what do i say? i love you. the strife between my heart and my teeth is this: one wants to cradle you while the other wants to consume. i can't hold you in my greedy cheeks and swallow you whole all the same. it's such a shame. and i have everything i want but i can never have everything i want. 

there's a devastating poem missing from the security of your archives and it's eating you alive from the inside-out. there are two immovable truths about you: you regard yourself as the poem rather than the person and you love cloud strife to a capacity that a poem cannot fully fathom. it's a dilemma that exists to taunt you. you find yourself lingering on the cusps of terror at the thought that one day, you’ll detonate an implosion: cloud will discover the depths of your feelings for him, the true reason you remain so diligently at his side. and now, such a result is at risk of running into reality. ꒰ not that it shouldn't be obvious. ꒱ for the last few days, you've been nestled inside the depths of your panic as you try to recall where you left the troublesome evidence of your hunger for cloud's affections. you finished it sitting on the rim of his bathtub, huddled in his bathroom with the door locked, journal perched on your lap, messily scrawling while your heart scrambled to climb up your throat. you remember the intensity of the shame and adoration that overcame you as you ripped the poem from the spiral spine of your journal. your silly heart and all its foolishness folded up into so many fours, shoved into the depths of your pocket in desperation before you rejoined him back in his room. back in the warmth of his bed and the strength of his arms. his room, the space that holds all the memories of soft kisses and the scent of your yearning. you love him so much; it's pathetic. embarrasing. shameful. you wait around his ribs, drooling like a starving dog praying for an offer. it's more than just your belief in his capacity. it's the hurricane that sweeps you away and drowns you in reverent waves. loving cloud is a heady feeling, something thick and all-consuming. it makes you dizzy with delight. it makes you breathless. his presence brings you peace but your heart is left in a state of untamed chaos from the charming sound of his soft laughter. on your worst days, watching him toy with his little trinkets and projects with a fixated and focused stare on his face is enough to drag you out of your misery. on your best days, his poorly executed jokes that linger in the air but never land make your heart sputter into overdrive. he's the center of all your affections, and thus, exists as your most alluring muse. yes, all the poetry that seeps into your bones and spills from your guts is a hymn in praise of him. all of it is admiration. your poetry is a garden of hyacinths that bloom under the cyan suns that peer on in fondness. unbeknownst to him, each of them blossoms in his honor. each of them whispers his name to the wind. if he ever finds out, your world will surely collapse and fall to ruin. you know his love can only stretch so far for you, but yours already goes far beyond reasonable distance and is only willing to go further. the poem exists as a vacuum to keep it all, but even stanzas are running out of will to hold the weight of your love for him. as a poet, unrequited love is such a hassle — a dangerous gamble, a landmine, and yet, a great source of inspiration. but unrequited love with your best friend is more like a black hole. "how's it coming?" you ask in a soft murmur as you enter his room quietly. the plan is to casually linger as you always do and look for the fallen poem with no shame, with nothing that warrants attention. if you act even the least bit suspicious, cloud's curiosity will be sparked and you won't be able to stop him from becoming involved. it increases the likeliness of him seeing it, if he hasn't already. cloud doesn't seem to notice your entrance. he doesn't avert his eyes from the thick concentration on the task in his carefully maneuvering hands, but he grunts and you know it serves as a pitiful greeting. your annoyed huff with his lack of acknowledgment follows. "okay, you caveman,"

"i see someone woke up a brat." he grumbles. you roll your eyes playfully, your arms going around his shoulders as your head sinks into the crook of his neck. it's a bad but indulgent habit of yours to pucker your lips and leave soft, welcoming pecks against his flesh. "is it so bad i want you to say hello like a normal person?" your inquiry comes on the edge of a whine. cloud scoffs. "you call this normal?" his voice is thick with annoyance and you allow yourself to pout as you hide your disappointment in the warmth of his skin, but shortly after comes the feathery feeling of his perpetually pouty lips pressed against your temple. another. a pause. one more. "better?" your heart sinks to your gut, cracks open, and releases a swarm of butterflies at the gesture. you're a keeper of the swarm these days. you're accustomed to his small bouts of affection, but they never fail to send your hurricane of ardor into a frenzy. "much," your second dilemma is this: you and cloud pirouette on the line between friends and lovers. dance on it with obvious hesitation and little communication about what it truly means. you know you both will only ever be the former despite your endless yearning for the latter, but you're unwilling to ask too many questions and risk losing these little things he seems to reserve for you. it's the cowardice shivering inside you, too afraid to be without him to set boundaries, too much in love with the way his warm lips feel against your cool skin to put an end to your torture. the dance is complicated and endless, but you understand that he's your best friend, the person you endure every hardship alongside, hand-in-hand with. "was that really so difficult?" you ask, to which he huffs. cloud grumbles, "keeping you from throwing a fit is." "oh hush," you gripe, pushing the back of his head before you stand up straight. "what've you been working on anyway?" even before the internal panic of losing your poem, it's been harder and harder to contact him unless you just show up like you've done today, harder to pull him away from this project of his long enough to get any of your usual activities done. his attention is so far away from you these days and it fills you with fright.

what if there's someone else? what if his heart is being tugged and stretched until all that exists between us is distance? what if there's no chance for me to settle down and make a home for us both there?

"it's a gift for…" his voice trails, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "it's for someone important." and then the corner of his lips quirk. you barely notice but you do, and then he grins. your heart descends into despair and plummets straight into the pit of your gut. you can feel the fear roaring to life inside your ribs, spewing its anxious venom all throughout your sternum. you almost can't take it. "someone important?" you question, a lilt in your voice that you pray cloud can't identify the terror in. and you wish you didn't notice every inch of his mannerisms, wish you didn't see the way the red of a rose bleeds on his pale skin, splatters across his plump cheeks and covers his ears. he's flustered at the mention of this important someone. bashful even. "i…let's change the subject." his awkward mumble makes the fear lurch in your belly. "d-did you need something?"

i need you to love me back.

"i…missed you…is all." it comes out soft, perhaps ashamed, as you cling to the feeling of your arms resting loosely around his shoulders now. "am i not allowed to miss my best friend?" it's not exactly a lie, but it's an omitted version or the truth. you're always here because you miss him the instant you're both apart, but today, you're also here to try and save your heart as much face as you can.   cloud hums, his hand reaching up to grasp onto one of yours. "you're being dramatic. it's only been a day or two." and although you know this is his general demeanor, a casual man far too familiar with being nonchalant for your liking, it still stings the way he insinuates he didn't miss you, too. cloud has always been comfortable with solitude and isolation, finds safety in it now. he's not like you, a creature of endless yearning and aggressive bouts of want that become awful creatures of aching, wailing his name in the silence. you pull back from him then, sighing as you move to plop down onto his bed directly beside his desk.

"people are allowed to ache for presence after a day." you grumble defensively. "since when are you so clingy?" he asks, turning his head to look at you curiously. "c'mon, what's really up?" you hate the amount of ease in which he's able to read you. you hate how he knows all your patterns so well that he can spot even the smallest inconsistency. he knows you with the same depth that one knows how to survive by breathing. instinctual. embodied. loving cloud is the same as clinging to culture. loving him is history to identify as. you've always been by his side, but you've never been so shamelessly clingy. you keep the severity of your need in secret pages and quiet thoughts. you try not to let your feelings show so blatantly by maintaining a general sense of independence that always falsely reassures him you'd be okay without him. deep down inside, you know it isn't the truth. if you could, you'd latch yourself onto his toned frame and it would take the strongest iron crowbar to pry you away from him. you release a deep, defeated sigh. "i think i left something here and i just wanna look around for it." his brows raise in slight surprise. "oh? what is it? i don't think i've seen anything of yours you left, but then again i…can't really see much right now." you gauge his reaction carefully, looking for any sign of his knowing, any sign that you're sitting before someone who's seen that your heart cradles his name as close to your chest as it can. "i'm surprised you can find anything in this chaos." you gripe, looking around the unsual messiness of his room as your nose crinkles in disgust. he chuckles, eyes gazing at you carefully. "i usually find what i need without looking for it." a roll of the eyes. "ooh, lucky you." "oh, shut up." he grouses, flicking your knee before he turns back to his project. "feel free to look around, but hurry. since you're here, i need your honest opinion on something." that shocks you to the point of your eyes widening. despite being his best friend and his somewhat, kind of lover, cloud doesn't regard you as a person he can trust for advice. it may be due to your history of regrettable intuition, the consequences of which cloud always suffers. these days, he usually goes to your other mutual friends. "you actually want my opinion on something?" the bitterness you can't help but taste as the jealousy that you lost one position in his life so easily to others seeps in. cloud groans, giving you a pointed look. "don't start with this." your hands fly up defensively. "i'm not starting. just saying. this is usually zack or aerith territory." "well, today it's you territory so hurry up and find your thing so we can move on to my thing." an easy retort that ends with his attention back on his ship. your lip curls. "god, okay…so bossy." you start looking around his room carefully, trying your best to put the clutter of random things lying around back where they go in hopes of spotting your poem and swiping it without cloud even noticing. he's not usually this messy, but it seems he's far too preoccupied with the ship in the bottle you've been casually watching him make for the last month or so. "it's just…important." his feathery murmur. squatting in front of his small, wooden bookshelf, you wedge the spines of discarded books in vacant slots as you answer him, "oh yeah?" "yeah," there's an unusual urgency present. you don't miss how diligently he's been working on this. it doesn't escape you that this is where all his free time goes. even when you're here, you hang around for hours waiting until he's willing to stop working on it before you can have his undivided attention. you only ever give it passing glances. it's not that you don't care; it's that you're used to this. "you sound stressed about it." you note, your voice small and your gaze curious.

sighing, he places the small precision tools in his hands down onto his desk. "i am…a little bit." "so…it's for someone important and you're stressed about it? what, are you asking someone out?" you ask it jokingly, even forcing a chuckle to mask your curiosity, but his silence and the sudden cease of his movements says your inquiry may not be in jest. your features fall. the pace of your heart quickens. "wait…" you breathe. "you're…asking someone out?" he turns to you quickly, eyes wide. "i-i don't know yet. nothing's in stone or anything." "oh," you can't fight the crestfallen tone of your voice, your evident disappointment that you can't keep tucked under your tongue.

he's been talking to someone? but he kisses me all the time. we're together all the time. when did he even meet them?

you want to ask, but you don't. you can't. you want to send a barrage of clarifying rounds straight at him, but you bite your tongue. you swallow down the thickness of your hurt and return to your initial task. now you feel like you might be sick. your poem is lost somewhere in the mess of his room and your feelings are lost somewhere in the mess of his heart. there's a moment where he watches you so closely that you feel small, reduced to the size of a speck. you turn away from him, still feeling his eyes on your back. the silence holds so many questions. several minutes of your absent search pass before somewhere in your body, a feeling of deep defeat and resignation settles in. a part of you no longer cares about the poem, no longer cares about lingering around, no longer wants to feel the phantom kiss of his love's presence. "i…can't find it anywhere…maybe it's not here." you whisper to yourself as you get back to your feet. cloud's voice is soft, his apprehensiveness clear. "maybe what's not here? what is it you're looking for?" "uh…it's…nothing." you look at him and shake your head, trying to avoid both his questions and his piercing stare. his voice is layered in confusion. "gotta be something if you came all the way here for it." "i told you i missed you; two birds, one stone." despite your internal resignation, you continue looking for the poem uselessly. you would much rather keep looking than have to face him straight on. "if you tell me what it is, i can help you find it." cloud reasons, coming up behind you. you can feel his body entering your space and fright fills you just as much as desire. you feel foolish, the way you're betraying yourself for wanting him closer knowing that closer is a direct line to an endlessly broken heart. the fear is reaffirmed when cloud wraps his arms around your waist from behind. "it's just…a stupid poem thing and it's embarrassing so i don't want to talk about it. i just want to find it." you maunder, bashful as your face fills with heat. you hear his softening sigh. "well…do you…want help?" you feel his chin rest atop your head. even while the future of your relationship is suddenly tossed up in the air, you can't bring yourself to push him away, to put a healthy space between you both. no, you indulge as you always do, sinking into his hold as your weight rests back against his chest. a hard huff of air through your lips. "not particularly." "so…" his voice trails. "are you giving up on finding it for right now?"

and you can hear the alternative implication of his questioning. he told you he wanted you to hurry so he could have your eyes and opinion on his project. your whole chest quakes. you can't deny him now, even knowing the project likely spells the end of an era you struggle to feel fully satisfied by but settle for anyway. anything with him is better than nothing. anything for him is all that you care for. you feign annoyance, groaning. "ugh yes, we can move on to your thing. show me." you turn as he hurriedly moves away from you, watching him leave you while your body yearns for his closeness the moment it's gone. carefully, he presents his project to you for your formal viewing. you try to perceive it without the notion of knowing this project is attached to his own line of desire. and it doesn't lead to you. "be honest. what do you think about it so far?" he asks, a slight quiver in his voice. you swallow hard, looking over the creation with careful eyes. the bottle is a medium-sized, round, bubble-shaped bottle. the glass is thick and clear with a tint of blue. inside, cloud's assembled a small brown ship with intricate gold carvings on the side of its body. the three masts of the ship are a tickled, blushing hue of pink. your favorite. you can't help but wonder how much of them is like you, how much of them are the best parts that he likes in you without the 'you' attached. your heart cracks as you notice the details of the symbols on the masts, a ribbon on one and a locket on another. you take in his paint and callous-covered fingers, the dedication showing obviously in the tips of them, in the protectiveness of his grasp as he holds it on display for you. all of you feels like it might crumble and cave in. "it's…incredible, cloud." you murmur, dejection layering your tone. "the detail in this is…i don't even have words. whoever it's for…i'm a little jealous…" you say it playfully, swaying from side to side as you look up at him with big, sorrowful eyes and a pout you force the exaggeration of to mask how genuine it feels. "it's not too much? over the top?" he asks, a serious look on his face. your pout deepens. he doesn't even notice how this could be breaking your heart, doesn't even consider the girl he's been habitually kissing for the last couple of years might not want to see him kiss anyone else, might not want to share his heart or his affections. instead, you softly admit, "i can't imagine a person who wouldn't love such a thoughtful, handcrafted gift. it's not too much. it's perfect. it seems like you know them very well. all the personal touches." your pout is a scowl now. your jealousy is bitterness. envy. you fight the urge you have to grab the gift and thrash it to the ground, hoping his desire for them will shatter with his efforts. but you know you could never break his heart that way. you know you could never give into your envy and betray him. cloud goes and places the bottle back carefully on the mount resting on his desk. when he comes back to you, his brows furrow as he notices your facial expression. almost as if he's watching your mind sink into an abyss of itself, he pokes your sinking cheeks. "what's with this look?" you try to choose your next words carefully. "you never made me a ship."

i don't think you'll ever love me like you love them; i can't compete with someone you're already doing this for.

cloud groans. "do you ever stop being a brat?" a shake of the head, catastrophizing to spare yourself the reality of the aching. "nope, but your gift is so good my heart kinda hurts about it, so it's time to cuddle and soothe my wounded ego. lay down and let me wrap." you grip his shirt and pull him closer, a slow grin appears to take the shape of his supple lips. "aw, poor baby," you'll take as much of him as you can for all the time you have left with him. you can't help but feel like exchanging intimate affection with you is merely practice for the real thing with her.  the new center of his heart. his muse. you're hurt, of course you are. you feel resentful, of course you do. you're happy for him;  you want to be. but above all, you want him; you want him more than anything that exists. seemingly noticing your dazed look, cloud lightly flicks your nose. "c'mon, little koala." and he does what he always does, consumes you in his arms, lifting you until your feet dangle just above the floor, dragged along to his bed by his strength, fueling your hopeless reverie. you do what you always do, surrender to the dizziness in your heart and let him have you.

you've been too careless. i let you have me, but will i ever be the one you want to keep?

"aren't we an odd pair? a koala and a chocobo." uttered softly with a knowing smirk. you tilt your head up then to watch the way you know he'll scrunch his face up, nose crinkling and eyes narrowing.  "kill me." he groans. you giggle, tickled by his predictability. "i always knew you wanted to die in my arms." cloud makes a noise of disgust. "ugh, shut up." he relinquishes his grip on you, allowing you to crawl into the softness of his bed. you pull back his blankets, ready to be cocooned by musk, cedar, and spice. the scent of him. he slides in next to you, laying on his back, preparing himself to be engulfed by you now. he doesn't call you little koala for no reason. you lay your head on his chest, always lulled by the steadiness of his heartbeat, always comforted by the scent of his skin. one arm tucks into yourself and the other is lazily thrown over his torso. you weave a leg between his, trapping one of his thighs in a cage of your own. his arms wrap around you securely; an embrace is an answered prayer. fingertips rub against your spine, anointing you in the fantasy of love's enlightenment. a soft relinquish of your frame to take your chin and tilt it up. you see so much fondness in his eyes before he softly pecks your lips with a smile full of reverence you think you have to be imagining to help yourself cope. he graces you with another kiss and timid lips. you don't have the heart to say no. you don't want to. you just want the strength to say he can't love someone else after. time passes in a gentle silence, but all of you screams. you're so perfectly knotted around his body; it feels like fate to know him. you thought maybe love could be a slow steep for the two of you. you knew that there was a chance all of this would amount to a mountain made of nothing, but you admittedly clung to the small part of you that extracted little tastes of hope from this behavior. now there's a question on your mind you don't think you can hold. you can't go on like this if one day you'll arrive to new girl in his life with her head on his chest, making his aquamarine irises sparkle with boundless adoration. the thought is too sickening to bite back the words. losing him is too terrifying not to know. "why didn't you tell me you were into someone?" you ask quietly. fear swallows you whole when he doesn't respond right away, but his hold on you tightens and you want to beg for him to say it means something. anything. "i…it's not…like that." stuttering out of him in surprise, it feels like a bold lie. you hum skeptically. "seems like it is," "does it…bother you?"

of course losing you to someone else bothers me. of course you ask and the implication maims me.

your lower lip trembles. you take in an audibly shaky breath. "well i mean…we're…best friends." "we are." he affirms it softly, no corrections or amendments. you think it might be easier if he skinned you alive and left you for dead. you think your budding frustration wouldn't make you suck in air between your teeth, hissing at the sting of betrayal. "but we're also…this. you know?" you say, a bit more boldly, clutching his side, digging your nails in without realizing. "i…i know….i know." quiet. uncertain.

that's all?

your frustration sighs out of you. "and we never talk about it, but now…you might be into someone? you just kissed me, but you're…possibly developing feelings for someone else." to your surprise, he groans. "jeeze, you worry so much about useless stuff that it's made you oblivious to the obvious." you frown, tightening your hold around his torso. "don't do that, cloud." "what? do you hear how you sound? you're laying in my bed with your legs and body wrapped around mine. i just kissed you. how do you not get it?" your heart starts fluttering in your chest, nervousness and confusion guiding the swarm around your fearful ribs. "i…" he stops you to murmur, "you have everything you want. you always have." something about the way he says makes your breathing increase. immediately, you sit up, looking at him with round eyes. the words are far too familiar to be a coincidence. "w-what do you mean? why are you saying that?" your voice betrays you, shaking as you ask. cloud sits up, his features contorting into something frightened but emboldened. he takes a deep breath and stands, going over to his desk while you watch him and your chest heaves from the anxious beating. softly, he admits, "i…didn't want to tell you, because i didn't want you to be upset." "t-tell me what?" there goes your heart freefalling into the depths of you when you see the familiar little white paper, jagged-spined and folded in fours. cloud holds it out to you, a shameful offering, his eyes avoiding your own as your lips part. you stare at the paper in his hand, slowly reaching for it as your stunned gaze moves up to his face. he still won't meet your eyes as he continues to speak. "i…i found your poem. the one you left. i think…the one you're looking for." and your world implodes before your eyes. "and you read it?" your voice wispy and shy. "i didn't mean to…at first. i didn't know what it was when i picked it up. i…only knew it was yours because of the handwriting. and i…i kind of figured out through the word choice…that it's…about me."

this whole time. you knew. you watched me look for it, witnessed how uselessly i'm in love with you up close.

"so you…know?" you murmur, to which he nods. your head tilts in confusion. "but you're still…" you don't know what to say. everything you've ever feared is unfurling into fruition in front of your widened eyes. you don't know what to say, don't know if you should defend yourself or vehemently deny it. though, it feels pointless. he knows you down to even your messy scrawling. cloud continues as your voice trails. "i'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to tell me when you were ready, but i'm not sorry that i know. you are my best friend, but you're my everything too. i…i love you, too." you blink in shock and your disbelieving inquiry follows. "you do?" cloud gives you a curious look, scrutinizing you with a gaze. he looks at your bewildered expression and meets it with one of borderline annoyance. he scoffs. "you have to be choosing not to notice. it's obvious." "it's not." you deny in a whisper. he gives you a pointed look and shakes his head. "it is. i won't let you deny that. look at us. look at my life. i've made sure to make room for you in every part of it. without question. you walk into my place like you're coming home. there's nothing i don't do without you or without you knowing. and i know it bothers you that i go to barrett and tifa and aerith and zack for their opinions, but it's always because i'll probably do anything you say and your advice is not always the best." "did you need to add that part?" you ask with a sudden pout at his choice of words. a careless nod. cloud grabs your face, your cheeks squished between warm and doting palms as he leans in closer, cyan suns blazing and staring at you quite boldly. "yes. i need you to understand very clearly that you and i are together. we've been together for as long as we've been like…this. you're my best friend and i love you." without waiting for a response, without waiting for your acceptance or approval, he leans in to press his lips against yours, the dam inside you crumbling at the action. fondness floods at the feeling of his lips moving against your own. he loves you. you're his best friend. and you're together. you've always been together. when he finally pulls away, you look at him in a loving daze. "so…nothing really changes?" "nothing changes." he promises softly, pecking your lips once more. "not a thing," you think about all the time you've spent together and you see all the moments where he laid his heart out on a platter for you and you devoured every drop of ardor he had to offer so gluttonously. still simpering at his proclamation, your gaze travels off to the side as you nervously question, "so uh…not to be a jealous girlfriend best friend, but…the ship…is for me, right?" cloud won't let you look away from him, refuses to let you chase his love shyly. he grips your chin and moves you to face him. he presses a tender kiss to your forehead. "yes," another to your nose. "it's for you…" a last peck on your lips. "dummy," after years of plucking petals, you finally land on he loves you.

"Sleep and his twin-brother Death"

after J. W. Waterhouse' painting

JAPAN?!

^ Random non-student characters + stylization test doodles I drew idk. Maleficia, Falena and Ace's brother are my fan designs as they have yet to actually appear in canon.

Here's some notes i made on Falena's design in relation to Leona + lore from other characters' designs too because i wss too lazy to make more graphics lol:

No, your oc isn't too cringe or a Mary sue. Yes, it's completely fine that it looks similar to your other ocs. Yes it's completely fine that it looks similar to a Canon character design. No it's not uncreative. No the design isn't shitty. No the backstory doesn't have to make perfect sense or be all figured out. Yes it can be self indulgent or unrealistic or overly sappy. No you don't draw your favorite character too much. Yes you can flip flop between developing whatever characters you want. No you don't have to keep the parts of your character that you don't like or that make you uncomfortable just for the sake of consistency, realism or whatever else